A step beyond the line

10. peace resides deep in here bubbles..

Lying on her back.. Imani stared at the ceiling as if in a trance.. the pain in her heart was suddenly excruciatingly heavy that it almost suffocated her.. her eyes stung.. and when she tried to put a name on the worry weighing her down.. she found none.. it was as if.. the every single thing she endured in the 23 years of her life was back for tormenting her once more..

"Tried praying?"

she almost jumped hearing azzu s voice in her head..she couldn't believe the fact that she had opened up.. that too to a complete stranger.. but that wasn't the reason for her bewilderment.. it was the feeling of awakening lingering in her senses, awakening to a call she didn't want to answer..

"Pray Imani.. It will all make sense" Azzu's words kept ringing on her ears incessantly.. It felt as if every single cells in her body has partitioned themselves into two.. one side sticking onto the burden pulling her down while the other pondered over the words of wisdom by the stranger..

With her head threatening to burst with the pressure of the tug of war.. Imani sat up.. there was this something deep down urging her to try..to try something she loathed.. she despised..

she glanced at Muradh.. sound asleep with his back to her, her eyes raked over the silhouette of the black and gold prayer mat hanging on the clothes rack.. The one Muradh often used.. the more she tried shifting her eyes from it.. the more it wanted to explore..

She shook her head.. all this is utter drama.. crap.. all she wanted was some real peace and these dramatics was never gonna help her in her quest..she was about to go back to sleep.. when she heard Eshaals  baby voice.. "Pwaaay.. ichll may sens.."

"Imani.. there is nothing to lose in trying.." a voice within argued meekly..

biting her lips she got up.. within minutes she was back from the washroom having made wudhu.. it deeply astonished her that she still remembered how to.. the last time she did was years ago.. when everything was well..

she fished out a long shawl out of her wardrobe and wrapped one side over her head and used the other side to cover the parts left uncovered by her baggy tee..

Standing in prostration.. Imani found herself uttering words from the depth of her heatrt.. words she thought to be long forgotten yet in prayers they rolled out easily as if they were there all along imprisoned.. waiting for their independence.. and sensimg freedom they came out soft as feathers.. her heart hardened by years of worry, she sensed it gradually shifting.. opening her to gates of vulnerability..

lying down in sujood.. the moment she closed her eyes in surrender, a sob, first to many others.. broke free and she found herself uttering supplications foreign to her on her own accord without even knowing.. her mind reeled of the troubles suffusing herself but it strained mainly on one.. "allah im leaving everything on to you please don't let me down.."

and with every sob that left her mouth.. with every drop cascading down her cheeks..no she didn't find a miracle descending from up above, but she realized it was only a matter of time before it does

with every other sob, she found herself letting go of the heavy weight which has settled in her throat and her chest.. raising her head towards the sky just like she witnessed granny does.. all she wanted was ease.. ease from the guilt rising in her chest.. the guilt of rejecting the truth she knew all along yet was blinded by hurt and hate to wait for it..

she sat on the prayer mat, crying her eyes out when Muraadh tapped her on the shoulders..

"bubbles.. you good?" he questioned his voice drowsy.. he got down from the bed and slapped on the lights.. flooding the dark rooms with flashing white light..

Getting up, Imani wiped her eyes and kept the prayer mat back in place and walked back to bed, all the while aware of Muradh's piercing gaze following her around..

"bubbles.. have you been crying? you were praying too.. is everything all right?" he questioned panic rising in his voice..

unable to voice her affirmation with the vulnerability clawing at her insides.. she burst into sobs once again..

Muradh scooted closer and wrapped his arms around her..

" I want peace Muradh.. I feel like I cannot go on.. ive been carrying everything ive supposed to have left long ago and now when I try, I find them a part of me unable to discard.. I'm scared that ive lived in sin all the while knowing the truth now when the very truth ive been rejecting a hoax is what helps me at my lowest.. I feel a traitor who doesn't deserve all these.. I don't want the darkness and the melancholy to define me.. I want to be my own person.. an average one at that without all these scars clinging on to me.. I want hope.. most of all I want deafening peace which silences every other evil echoes.. she cried out..

For a count of ten, he kept staring at Imani, refusing to take his eyes off her.

"honey you just found out where all you want lies.." Muradh smiled..

chuckling slightly at her bewildered reaction he elaborated.. " in the prayer mat.. you just found where peace lies..

" you know that beautiful feeling which exists in you when youre confused, troubled yet the feeling lingers.. putting you at ease,, whispering that nothing can go wrong.. and even in the troubled state you find guidance on where to bend and where to stand straight .. the vibe which calls out to either give up or give in? ever experienced that sweetie?" he questioned for which Imani nodded silently..

"that's the result of Tawaqqul.. the freedom, the liberty which result in giving up all your worries and troubles to your creator and accepting that nothing will ever equal his grandeur and everything is in his control..and even after straying back lost in the torments the world has to offer.. he brought you back to him.. you matter.. and you sure deserve it because he only guides whom he wills.. you have nothing to worry bubbles.. because you are back.. back to your lord where neither nothing nor no one can ever harm you" he explained

" peace and tranquility resides in you bubbles.. embedded in tawaqqul and total submissiveness.. peace resides deep in here bubbles.." he took her hand in his and clasped it at her chest beneath which her heart thudded, now at abnormal paces..

" all the while it is in here and all you need is to dig deep and find it yourself.." he smiled.. laying down..for which Imani nodded unable to find words because all she wanted to confirm was voiced in his opinions..

"Muradh..?" Imani called out lying down..

"yes bubbles?" he answered turning on to her..

" and tomorrow when you wake up for fajr.. wake me up too.." she said closing her eyes..

"kayy sure.. he prolonged..

"what? wake you up for fajr? me and you praying together?" he shrieked making Imani snap open her eyes.. and stare at him flabbergasted..

"yeah okay.. go on I will.." he replied looking at her reaction.. she nodded closing her ears but not before missing the excied squeal from her hyperactive husband murmuring.. " manh this is so gonna be epic"..

and with her eyes closed.. in the middle of the night she found out that the peace she was searching was lying there all time.. she only had to spread open her prayer mat onto the floor and spread open her heart towards her lord..

Huloooo people.. hows u?
I micccheddd u all...

And with the world on this disaster all of u are safe and sound..

So hows the chapter?
I would love to hear ur views on it..

And I've got a question for u..

When you find yourself drowning in sea of worry what is that thing which you cling on to.. with the hope that its bring you back to shore..

And with that..
Allah hafiz lovelies..

Stay happy stay safe and include all of us in ur prayers..  we need it badly at the moment..

Love:Marwa..