Running with Rogues

CHAPTER 44 - NOW YOU SEE ME

Hey my doods. Tis me again. With a fresh batch of suffering for y'all. This chapter does have a trigger warning for references to sexual assault. If you want a chapter summary or just to talk to someone, you can PM me any time of the day or night.

"That's easy," I told him. "Eira."

The look in his eyes was so gentle and pitying that I felt like crying there and then. "It has to be intentional, Eva, and that wasn't your fault."

Now I didn't know. I'd tried asking myself that question a few times over the years. And Eira ... she was the easy answer. The obvious choice. Without that option, I had to consider all the other horrible things I'd done, and that was ... more difficult than I'd have liked it to be.

"I don't know, then," I said. I'd done a lot of petty, selfish things over the years, but none of them stood out. There'd been arguments with friends and family. Things I'd said in the heat of the moment that had probably hurt people. But nothing deliberately cruel. "Nia and I abducted some poor flockie woman from Ember last month. She was terrified of us. But that's probably not the worst thing."

Liam just stood there, patient as anything, because he knew he didn't have to answer unless I did.

"I do feel bad about Hayden and Hannah sometimes," I said in a small voice. "Their parents are probably worried sick, and they're not exactly happy in camp. Hannah especially ... she's always miserable, and she's getting ill, and it just doesn't feel right, you know?"

"We're treating them a lot better than they'd treat us if the situation was reversed," Liam reminded me quietly. "Don't beat yourself up too much."

I nodded and took a moment to swallow the lump in my throat before I continued, "Everyone gangs up on El. I've joined in, I guess, but I know it's not his fault he's so ... you know. After Eira got ill, our parents got very protective. They sheltered him. I try not to tease him, but he just gets on my nerves sometimes. And it's only afterwards I realise that we've gone too far."

This time, Liam had nothing to say. He'd always been good with my little brother. He was the only one who didn't participate in the teasing, and he would listen patiently when Ellis started rambling about scientific concepts the rest of us didn't stand a chance in hell of understanding.

"But the worst thing?" I sighed. "Rhodri and I were raiding Shadowless. I don't know where you were — running circles, maybe. We went into this house, looking for cash, because we thought it was empty. Soon as Rhodri and I split, this guy jumped out at me with a cricket bat. And I was so spooked that I shanked him, right in front of his kid. It was an accident, and I doubt I killed him, but I always felt awful about that."

"I remember," he said softly. "You were crying afterwards."

I nodded, moving my eyes onto the ground between us. These days, it didn't take much to put me in tears, but I still remembered the hardass little girl who'd needed an earthquake to shake her. An earthquake or learning what it felt like to screw up that badly. "Your turn..."

He let out a long breath. "Are you sure you want to know?"

Another nod. I thought it would be the dead man. That I'd get some closure on what had happened without having to poke and prod. Of course, it could never be that easy.

Liam didn't have to think about it. He just fixed his eyes on the ground and said, much too quietly, "After I shifted, Mason wanted me to start pulling my weight. It started out as taking messages and spying. It ended with me beating up some kid in the year below because his dad had been mouthing off."

"Oh," I said quietly.

"I'm not proud of it. He was a scrawny little kid, and he hardly even fought back. So yeah — that's the worst thing I've ever done, Eva. By a long way. Is that what you wanted to hear?"