Don't Go Away Mad // Nikki Sixx x Tommy Lee - Lexx

Chapter 4 - Blue Christmas

Nikki - 

I fucking hate all of these people trying to control what I do. Everybody needs to fuck off, and leave me alone, with my drugs. Why do they feel the need to torture me, like I haven’t had enough torture yet. They’re hell bent on throwing my shit out, even Tommy. I would think that he’d be trying to pocket some of my stash, but no, he’s being a dick about it; acting like he doesn’t have his own hidden stash at home.

I should tell Bob. He can go in and ruin Tommy’s and Heather’s Christmas as he yanks out all sorts of stashed drugs from Tommy’s hideaway that Heather doesn’t know about. See how he fucking likes it. Maybe go to Vince’s and Mick’s houses next. He’ll flood the damn streets dumping all of their alcohol. I hate how they act like I’m the only one with a fucking problem. 

My doorbell rings. Great, another fucking person coming here to control me and lecture me. Tommy gets up to answer the door. About 2 minutes later, my grandfather, Tom, is walking towards me. I want to fucking evaporate right about now. I feel nothing but shame inside when I see him. Tom, as I call him, comes to sit on my bed. Tom is actually my grandmother's second husband; my mom's step-dad. My mom always called him Tom, so I just always have too. But don't let that fool you. He is my only family; my mom and dad are anything but. Tom and Nona, my grandmother, loved me like their own son. Tom even calls me son sometimes. While it's just a term of endearment, I've never been a son to any other man. My own father denied me as his son. My step-father abused me, and was the prick that introduced me to drugs and alcohol at 6 years old; was never a son to him, just an annoyance and someone to slap around. My mom’s other boyfriends….I was a nothing to them.

I sat up in my bed when my grandfather reached to embrace me. I crashed into him and started sobbing, telling him I'm sorry. Tom held me, and said, "Don’t cry, son." I'm a 29 year old, grown man, but l feel like a lost, scared child in my grandfather's embrace. Tom tells me that he'll be damned if he's going to watch me die, after all that I've accomplished and overcome. But he doesn't understand. I haven't overcome shit. “Nikki, are you trying to beat me to the grave?” I shrug my shoulders. “What’s got you down, kid?’

“I don’t know, Tom. I just can’t stop. I don’t want to.” He tells me that he’s not losing another loved one, so I better figure things out. “Nona and I didn’t raise you to be a loser. I’m not sure where you got in your head that this lifestyle of rock n’ roll drugs is the way to live, but it didn’t come from us, the people who loved you and raised you.”

I know that I’m hurting him. I’ve hurt my grandparents enough already, and I keep doing it. I realize that I need to stop. I know that I do. I can’t hurt Tom anymore. He doesn’t deserve that. All I’ve been doing is hurting him lately. I begin to tell him that my friends are helping me, and that I need his help too. If I can’t do this for myself, or even for the band, I need to do it for my grandfather. I can’t bring anymore grief into his life. 

Tom tells me that he’s here to help me during his visit. I’m embarrassed more than anything, but I’m willing to let him help me. What else can I do while he’s here? I pull myself away, and tell him that I didn’t have a chance to prepare a room for him, or get food. He told me to just get rest, and he’ll make himself at home. I thanked him for coming down here for me.

I feel shitty inside, when I remember that I told myself that I couldn’t go see him for Christmas because I wasn’t in good shape, even though I knew he’d be lonesome. Some grandson I am. I feel sick. I lay down, hoping I’ll fall asleep before I need to run to the bathroom again. 

Tommy - 

Doc shows up at Nikki’s door, with Tom. I invite them both in. I told Tom that Nikki is lying down on his bed. I updated Doc a little bit about what happened in the hospital, and how Bob and I are helping him get settled at home. I was not about to tell Doc what Bob and I are finding in Nikki’s closet. If Bob tells, that’s one thing, but I’m not ratting out my friend. Doc tells me that after Christmas we need to have a band meeting. I shrug, like we didn’t see that fucking coming. I think he could sense that I wasn’t in the mood for him, so he told me that he was leaving, and told me to let him know if we needed help with Nikki over Christmas. As much as Doc has helped Nikki with detoxes in the past, I know that he truly dreads it. Why pawn Nikki off on someone who really doesn’t like him much. Tom, the guys, and I will figure out a plan, not involving that wanker.