Don't Go Away Mad // Nikki Sixx x Tommy Lee - Lexx

Chapter 5 - Bruised

Nikki -

It's Day 6 of my drug and alcohol detox. I still feel like shit, but the worst of it is over. I can't believe that I made it through. Everything on my body hurt so badly. Yesterday I was able to eat a little food. Today, maybe I can make it a meal, maybe. I feel so weak. I know that I can use some food in my system, and by now it should stay inside me, rather than spilling out really quickly from either end.

I feel like I just emerged from a crypt. The last 6 days seems like some bad nightmare that I'm just waking up in a fog from. So much has happened, and I've still not had a chance to process any of it. I was dead for several minutes 6 days ago, and I haven't even had the where-with-all to comprehend what happened yet.

My grandpa is flying home today. I know that I couldn't have done this without him. He inspires me to do better. I love him so much for dropping everything, giving up Christmas with his extended family to come be with me.

It couldn't have been fun for him. Listening to me moan and complain about pain, cleaning up vomit, force-feeding me, cleaning my dirty house, and trying to calm me down or talk sense into me; not to mention lots of comfort, love, and support, even when I feel like I don't deserve it.

A limo is going to pick him up from my house in about an hour to bring him to the airport. And Tommy will be coming over in less than an hour. I'm a little uneasy about this. He and I have a lot to sort out. The clearer my mind becomes, the more I know that this is inevitable. Today will probably be the day that we have to talk about what's going on between us. I don't really want to. Partially because I don't even really have any answers to what's happening. I'm going to be really tempted to reach for a bottle of whiskey. It's going to be uncomfortable for me.

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The limo came by for my grandpa. He told me to behave, that he trusts my judgement (kind of), and that he loves me. I hugged him tightly, wishing he didn't need to leave me yet. I'll be lonely without him.

His departure also means that Tommy and I have complete privacy in my house. I feel unsettled about that. I'm nervous for some unexplained reason; like we're both back to being virgins.

I shut the front door as Tom heads out to the waiting limo. I feel empty already. My buddy, Tommy, who arrived about 20 minutes ago, hugs me. I want to cry, but I stop myself before any tears surface.

I break away from Tommy, and look out the window to see the limo pull away. It hurts, more and more, every foot the vehicle rolls forward, carrying my grandfather away from my house, until it's out of sight.

I take a deep breath, then walk back to my front door to lock it. I don't know if Tommy and I are just going to talk or do something more. The door needed to be locked just in case. Tommy asks how I'm feeling. I tell him that emotionally, I'm feeling down because my grandpa just left, but physically, much better than I have been the past few days. I'm still sore, foggy, and kind of feel like I have a bug, an overall cruddy feeling, but I wasn't going to complain because the cramping stopped. He nodded his head, and said that he's been feeling better too, but wanted to tell me that he drank pretty heavily on Christmas and the day after, and had a few beers yesterday. He said he was sorry. I shrugged. I guess I expected all my buddies to fuck up. I'm sure Vince and Mick have confessions too.

If I'm reading Tommy right, he doesn't want to talk right now. I think that we've both been waiting for me to feel better, and to be completely alone so that we can be physical with each other again. I know we both miss it. I feel a little gross still, wondering if Tommy even wants to touch me. Not unclean, as I've been in the tub a lot, and the sickly sweating stopped about a day ago. I just feel like I need to be aired out and decontaminated, envisioning myself hanging out on a clothing line on a sunny, breezy spring day. If only....