Don't Go Away Mad // Nikki Sixx x Tommy Lee - Lexx

Chapter 11 - Oh Fuck

Nikki - 

“Hi Nikki. This is your mother. Tom called me to tell me what you did. Why do I have to hear this from him? Why haven’t you called your own mother to tell me that you almost died? How do you think that makes me feel; that you don’t even care enough about me to call me? You’re a very selfish person, Nikki. Selfish to nearly kill yourself with your drugs, and then to not even tell your own mother. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve to be pushed aside like this. Don’t you think that I should know when my own son is in the hospital? I would have been there to help you and take care of you, but apparently I’m not important enough to you, although somehow Tom is. I don’t know what else to say, Nikki. I’m always here for you, but you don’t seem to care or want to see me. I know it’s probably your drugs and that you prefer your rock and roll friends over your mother. But they’re the ones who are helping you die. I guess that’s your choice though. Tom tells me that you’re feeling better, and that you’re home. I’m glad that you’re OK. Please call me, Nikki. I think that I should hear this from you. OK? Bye now.”

Her voice, her words. They cut me like a knife. Every word is another painful stab. Why can’t she just tell me that she loves me? It’s always about her. She just uses me and my situations to make herself look like a martyr. I will never understand why she just can’t tell me that she loves me, and that she’s sorry for not being in my life much. It only further pushes my theory that she never loved me nor wanted me. I know my dad didn’t. 

I try to give my mom a pass. I know that life hasn’t always been easy for her. I make excuses for her lack of devotion towards me, but nothing ever changes. All she had to say is, I love you. She never says it. It’s only this passive-aggressive bullshit. I’m a complete reject. "JUST TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME, BITCH!!" I scream out loud in my empty house.

I yank my answering machine off the cord, and throw it with force towards the foyer. I hear something smash. I don’t care. I just lay down on my living room floor and cry. Why do I let her do this to me? Why do I do this to myself? I didn’t need to play those messages. I think if I was still using, I would have erased the messages. But with a clear head, I’m looking for things to fill it with because I get bored. 

I knew this would be a bad one. I should have just gone back to my music. I pull myself up after 20 minutes or so, and slide over to my guitar. I can’t pick it up right now, but I take the pencil and paper, and write a song that I call “Reject”. It doesn’t make me feel better. It only validates how I currently feel about myself. I continue my self-deprecating behavior by dragging myself over to the foyer to see what an asshole I am, by checking out what I smashed with the answering machine. It was the glass on one of my framed gold record awards. Seems fitting because I suck right now. I just sit on the floor, feeling unable to cry anymore. I look at the shards of broken glass that fell on the floor, and the upside-down answering machine that came to rest on top of the shards. I think that I just need to lay down. I pick myself up, go to my bedroom, flop on my bed, and shut my eyes.

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I come to. My room is dark. I realize that the rest of the afternoon slipped away, as I wallowed in self-pity, then put myself to bed, still naked. The clock reads 6:40pm. Shit, I’m supposed to be at Tommy’s in 20 minutes. I jump up from bed, and decide quickly that I need a shower. I feel a blanket of misery enrobing me. I need a figurative washing of it down the drain. I’m out in 5 minutes. I just needed to feel the water on me to bring me to life. I dry my hair, and only tease it slightly. I don’t have time or energy to go all out. Clothes, accessories. I streak some eyeliner on to hide my sad eyes. Fuck anything else. I’m ready. I just need to get out of this fucking tomb. I grab my keys, step over the broken glass near my front door, towards the garage door, and leave.