Don't Go Away Mad // Nikki Sixx x Tommy Lee - Lexx

Chapter 13 - Regrets

Nikki- 

This was one of the worst fucking days I had in a long time. Shit with my mom, and now this. I was pretty much told tonight that everyone would be better off if I was dead. I'm beginning to think that's true, as I'm racing through the streets towards home. I'm not even paying much attention to the road. I think that I just fucking blew a red light. Whatever, I'm home in a minute. 

I pull into my garage, park, and head inside to my lonely, fucking house. As soon as I walk in, I'm met with the broken glass and answering machine on the floor. I stomp on it with the heel of my boot to make sure that it's thoroughly destroyed. I lock the door and head straight to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me, as if to make a statement to someone, yet no one is here to hear the slam. Why would anyone want to be here with me?

I throw most of my clothes off, except my shirt. I rarely wear underwear, so when my pants come off, I'm naked. That's the way I usually am when I decide it's time to go in my closet. I'm 7 days clean today, but I'm about to fuck that shit up. I need my hidden stash. The knobs on the posts of my brass bed screw apart. I keep shit in there. The first knob I unscrew, I find a rock, a rig, and needle; like it was just for me. Great, but I need a fucking spoon, a lighter, and something to tie off with. Tommy and Bob threw all that shit away. I don't want to leave my bedroom to get a spoon. I know I'm going to see evidence out in my living room and kitchen of Tommy being here earlier. I know I'm going to lose it, and break stuff, sensing that I'll target my guitar. I can't go out there. My sanity is out the door, gone. 

I rummage through my nightstand drawer for a lighter and something to cook the rock down in. Found a lighter. I also find an empty Zippo lighter. I twist a quarter around inside the lid of the zippo to widen the narrow shape of it to fit the rock in and I can hold it by the body of the lighter so I don’t get burned. Genius! I put water in the lid from the bathroom sink, and go back in my closet. I put the rock in and heat it up with the other lighter. I'm shaking. I'm not sure if it’s because I'm upset by today's events or because I'm fucking around with heroin again; it's probably both. It's cooked down. I draw the liquid up in the syringe, and pull a scarf down from a hanger to use as a tie off for my arm. I pull it tight, and hold the scarf in my teeth. My hand is shaking. I feel tears welling up. I have a brief moment of clarity, a voice telling me to stop, but I don't listen. The needle goes in, and I hit the plunger to push the sweet serum into my veins. I drop the scarf from my teeth, remove the needle, and lay back. A smile creeps onto my face. I close my eyes. Everything is OK now. How I've missed my "sweet girl."

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I wake up on the floor of my closet. I'm not sure how long I've been out. I'm feeling uneasy. I know that I just used again, after a week of complete sobriety. I feel really shitty about this. I get up from the floor to go out to my bed. It's about 3am. I surmise that I was out for a few hours on the closet floor. I climb into bed, and get under the covers. I feel lonely and pained. 

I can't just lay here like this. I need sleeping pills. I rummage through my night stand drawer again. Can't find any. Then I remember that I have some in my touring knapsack, that I haven't touched since we got home from tour. I find the bottle. Not a lot left. Well, at least not a lot for me, as I usually take way more than the recommended dosage. 

I pour several into my hand and gulp them down with water. My mind wanders, as I lay in bed, waiting for the pills to take effect. Why am I such a fuck up? I think about Motley Crue, and how I almost seamlessly put us together and got us to the top. I think about my determination, my visions, my business sense, and my tenacity. All of that, along with our music, got us to the top. But really, what good am I?  Everyone is living a fucked up life because I put us here. Yup, everyone would have been better off without me. None of these guys would be fucking up the way they are if I wasnt determined to make us the sleaziest, rudest, loudest fucking band out there. 

I'm not a suicidal person, even though I've turned my guns around on myself in the past and have had the barrels in my mouth, it's always been the drugs talking. I'm not thinking about that, but I think that I just want to disappear. Just me and my drugs could be happy together. I don't need the band, fame, my house, my friends whose lives I ruin. I just need my "sweet lady." I feel my eyelids getting heavy. My rattled mind fades out.

Tommy-

I hang up with Mick, and go back out to my friends in the club. Everyone kind of dropped the ordeal with Heather. I guess it's only a big deal to me, which is just fine. Another friend of mine, who just arrived while I was on the phone, approaches me and asks how Nikki is. I fill him in with the fake news, that it wasn't a big deal, and that he's fine. But, I'm suddenly struck how, not one of these guys that I'm standing here bullshitting with, even knew that Nikki was at the club tonight, yet things just got royally fucked up between us while he was here. 

About 15 minutes have passed since I called Mick, so I go outside to wait. He pulls up within a few minutes, "So you fucked up, dipshit??" 

I tell him, yeah, I fucked up big time. Heather caught me. He asked me how Nikki was involved. I left a bunch of details out, and just sheepishly said that we were double-teaming. I hate telling Mick shit like that. He doesn't typically participate in "group" activities. He has in the early days, but not anytime recently. I told him that Heather freaked out on both of us, and Nikki got a little bent up over that and left me at the club. 

Mick said that he's not even going to lecture me because he's sensing that I'm suffering enough between getting kicked out of my house and abandoned by my best friend. I thank him for that, as well as for coming out to come get me. He told me that I can sleep in one of the spare bedrooms, then asks me how Nikki is, and if anything needs to be done for him? I say to Mick, “If you’re asking about his mood, he's fucking pissed, and drove away angry. If you’re asking regarding how he’s been since the overdose, he started feeling better today and hasn’t touched any shit. Mick asks if I think that he’ll be OK tonight. I shrug. I really have no idea. As much as I love him, I’m not in a mindset to be concerned about him. I’m upset with myself for fucking my marriage up. I want to be home with Heather. I hate seeing her cry.

We arrive at Mick's place. I don't see Emi. I assume that she's holed up in his bedroom. Mick shows me my room, and points out the bathroom right next door, then tells me to fuck off. Thanks buddy, I love you too.

I feel really shitty. Physically, because I drank way too much. But emotionally too. I stare at the phone, wanting to call Heather. I decide it's probably best not to. Well, maybe just to tell her I love her. I call. She answers. I tell her that I just wanted to let her know that I love her. I'm met with the sound of a dial tone. Fuck. 

I think about calling Nikki too, but I don't bother. I know he hasn't been answering his phone lately. Now that Mick brought it up, I'm feeling a little worried about him. He doesn't always use good judgement when he's upset. I can't do anything about it right now. I'll stop by there tomorrow. I feel really queasy when I think about how Heather said that I need to pretty much dissolve my friendship with Nikki. I know that I can't do that. I'm going to have to work some compromise out. It makes my head hurt. I hate this shit so much. I need resolution on these issues. Things have to be worked out by tomorrow. 

I feel dizzy and spent. I know it's best to lay down. I kick off my shoes and shirt, and get in the bed, under the covers. I like the TV on. It puts my mind in a blank place, so that it's easier to drift off to sleep. From what I remember, it takes about 15 minutes before I'm out for the night.

**I hope you and your loved ones are all doing well. I'm on the east coast in the tri-state area (NY, NJ, CT), a hotspot in the country, but thankfully not so much in my immediate region. So, I do my best to just stay in. Thank you to all those on the front lines who can't just stay in.

Trying to use the extra time to write, but the household always has crazy antics going on. It's nice and peaceful right now. I just finished 2 chapters within the past few days that I love. I also got great idea for a new book. I dont even know when I can get to it. I have months of writing left to do on the one I'm working on now. Anyway, I wish you all to stay safe and stay well.**