Normal//fillie

Chapter 4

"This is-"

"Finn" Millie says softly making Ayla furrow her eyebrows. It was like the air had been knocked out of her.

His name, her saying his name hurt her. She just couldn't be near him, without wanting to break down, without wanting to some what yell at him and ask him why he did what he did. Did he mean to hurt her? Was he just playing with her? Did those moments even mean anything at all? 

She hadn't seen him for a year and she was still struck with the same feelings as before. He grew a couple of more inches, his cheekbones being more prominent, his jaw being so sharp, his freckles illuminating more on his pale skin and his hair, his curly hair being more curlier and longer than before, her only thought was wanting to run her hand through his soft curls.

"Millie" he said, his angelic voice saying her name once again, rolling off his tongue so effortlessly making her feel some type of way.

"Have you two met before?" asked Ayla

"You guys know each other?" said Jack the same time Ayla spoke

"Yeah" she said breaking eye contact with him.

"Oh well then we'll leave you to catch up then" Ayla grabbed Jack's arm pushing him out of the room, she then closed the door leaving Finn and Millie alone together.

He clears his throat "Uh how have you been?" he asked breaking the silence

"Good" she says but in reality she wasn't, she hasn't been for a while now.

"What about you? You must be busy with the band, college"

"Yeah, homework takes up most of my time and practice." he cleared his throat, you can just feel the awkwardness, knowing that things were left unsaid. "You look good. I mean as in from the recovery. You know you look healthier not that you didn't before-"

if only he knew, if only her friends knew what was actually going on.

"I understand what you mean Finnie" she stopped after that word, it slipped out but that word was more than a nickname for Finn.

As she was about to apologize, for calling him like that a blonde strutted her way in the room walking to Finn.

"There you are finnie" she says wrapping her arms around his neck

Finnie that's how she calls him, only Millie

"I told you not to call me like that" he says unwrapping her arms around his neck, he only likes it when Millie calls him like that. It's her thing.

"Who's this?" the blonde asked as she stood next to Finn.

"This is Millie, we were neighbors" Millie waved and smiled at her, trying her best to hide her pain.

"Oh well i'm Grace Vanderwaal, Finn's girlfriend" she said emphasizing on the girlfriend part.

"Well I should go, it was nice meeting you Grace and seeing you Finn bye"

It hurt her, her heart was actually hurting, he was with someone else and it wasn't with her.

--

After seeing Finn and seeing how he has clearly moved on she left the venue she practically ran to her therapists office. It was late, she knew that Winona, Dr.Ryder, was packing up to leave but Millie needed to spill her emotions and thoughts to her. She felt a part of her gone, it was missing Finn and now that he's somewhat back she doesn't know how to feel.

"Millie? What are you doing here?" the older woman asked, it was past 8 pm, she was closing up.

She breathed heavily, trying to catch her breath."I saw him" she said making her therapists furrow her eyebrows as to who she saw. "I saw Finn" she walked towards the brunette making her take a seat. She hasn't been able to say his name or hear his name without crying.  

"Okay, so you saw him and how did that make you feel?"

"I don't know." she exhaled looking around the room "I guess i'm happy that I saw him but a part of me hates him. I don't know why but I just do. He has a girlfriend now. The Finn Wolfhard has a girlfriend didn't think he would settle down"

"Why's that?"

She shrugs her shoulder "He's only ever been in a long term relationship with one girl. I just- i thought I would have been the one, you know" in the end she thought that they would both get a happy ending, that they would live happily ever after like in the movies but that didn't happen.

"Did you love him?"

"Yes" she still loves him even though she shouldn't, she shouldn't love him. 

"Did he?"

"I like to think that he did" she says softly. He never had actually told her face to face that he loves her. She knew that his gestures like taking care of her, being there for her were out of love.

She was silent until she asked "H-how come he chose her?" her voice cracked, tears already forming in her eyes "Why not me?" she asked the therapist as if she had the answer. She looked broken, vulnerable.

No matter what Finn did or does she will always love him and it hurts that she won't be the one to make him laugh, to make that smile appear on his face, she no longer has him. She probably never had him in the first place.

"Its okay to feel sad" she said comforting her

"I'm tired of feeling sad all the fucking time" she said. She didn't mean for it to come off rude but she's tired of crying herself to sleep, she's tired of always feeling like that, feeling empty, numb.

"Maybe I deserved all of this" Millie said, looking at Winona. In that moment she didn't feel like she was talking with her therapists it was like she was being comforted by a mother, something that her own mother lacked of.

"All of what?" she asked even though she knew exactly what she meant.

Tears have already started falling, her voice becoming shaky "The bullying, the name calls, my eating disorder, my dad leaving," she exhaled "Finn leaving" 

She always thinks that she deserved everything that has happened how it is better for everyone to leave, leave her since they are better off without her. In the end she always felt empty, she felt nothing.

--

wtf is this, ew

i'm working on the next chapter. I'm trying my best

k bye