Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Four - Partner

Day five was no different than day one or two. It would be no different than day six or seven. The blinds in her apartment had stayed closed. She had laid in bed from ten at night till six in the morning, lazily staring at the ceiling with little hope of sleep in the future. Her eyes had closed a few times, fleeting moments of sleep that came and went. Each time, she woke up more exhausted than how she had started. 

Her badge had laid sitting on the television console table. The small sliver of light that peeked through the closed curtains managed to reflect off of the tin. Each time the clouds cleared and the light peered through again, the reflection glimmered in the corner of her eye, nearly blinding. She refused to look at it. Instead, as she sat on her couch in silence, she ignored the presence of the badge and gun altogether.

She didn't want to be a cop today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. For now, she wanted to be a human being. She wanted to finally have the ability to stop the world from spinning like any other human being did. Most people, well, most people could crawl into bed when they really needed to. She had never been afforded that privilege, not until the last week. 

Five days since her diagnosis. Three days since her break officially started. Fourteen days didn't seem nearly as long as she had hoped it would. It seemed too long for the people who cared. More or less, the people who were confused by her absence. 

Namely, Elliot, who had made it his mission in life to get ahold of his partner. Five days and not once had he chosen to honor her obvious request of solitude. Each day, like clockwork, he called. He texted. He emailed. He knocked. By now, his knuckles must've been bruised from continuing to knock on the door and call for her.

Her neighbors must hate her. 

She didn't bother turning her phone off. Instead, she let it buzz against the coffee table each time he called her, hoping he could hear it from outside her door and get the message. She didn't want company. It didn't deter him though. Each time he heard his call coming through from the closed door, he proceeded to announce that he knew she was inside.

Each time, he was never met with anything other than the closed door that didn't open.

She didn't want to think about dealing with that turmoil when her leave of absence was finished. He'd be upset, reasonably. His best friend ignoring him, clearly not feeling as if she could trust him in her time of need. The logical half of her brain told her that he was just worried, rightfully so. But she also knew that explaining to him that he didn't have to be worried wouldn't stop him. 

Sometimes, she ignored problems until they went away. It happened to be a bad habit she couldn't seem to break. 

The knocking died down and for a moment, she thought maybe he had left. That was until she heard the sound of his body thump against the door. The light from the hallway that beamed under the threshold was covered.

He was sitting at her doorstep, waiting. 

Knowing Elliot, he'd probably wait forever.

"Liv," he called out for the millionth time. Except, his voice came softer this time around. "I don't know what's wrong, but you don't have to tell me. I'm sorry for pestering you... I'm just worried."

Before she knew what she was doing, she felt herself lift off from the sofa. Her light and quiet footsteps made their way over to the door. She was only inches away from him, from being able to drown in the arms of someone who could comfort her. She was denying herself of that small mercy.

Instead of opening the door, she sat down from the opposite of where he had parked himself. Only less than two inches of wood separated them, but she could feel his familiar warmth from between the barrier.

If she listened close enough, she could hear his steady breathing. 

She looked down at the gap between the floor and the door, seeing his calloused fingers sliding underneath towards her. It was odd, really. Somehow when the world had flipped to grayscale, it forgot to include the peach-toned skin that was him. 

"Liv," he whispered, knowing she could hear him. He could feel her against the door, closer than she had been all week. "Just tell me that you're okay... even if you aren't."

Her eyes squeezed shut, fighting off the impending tears. She couldn't answer him and trust that her voice wouldn't fail her. Instead of words, her own fingers reached down and brushed against his that were visible from under the doorway. 

The energy from the intimate moment coursed from his skin to hers. Such a small yet invaluable moment, a reassurance to either both of them or none of them, but not just one of them. Never just one of them. Never unrequited. 

As soon as the pressure was released off of her eyelids, the tears she had been holding in carefully fell down her cheeks. She felt his finger hold tighter onto hers. Something as simple as an index finger intertwined with another. An unspoken message of trust. A message that he knew she would understand, even if she didn't understand anything else. 

'I'm your partner, for better or for worse.'

Her head rested gently against the frame of the door. She was allowing herself beyond more than what she had originally intended. She didn't want to allow herself any comfort, any sort of shelter from the storm over her head. Yet, somehow just his presence had become her kryptonite. 

She found herself freefalling. Any further and she wouldn't have any willpower to stop herself. "I'm fine, El." she whispered almost silently. Just enough that he could hear her through the door. She hated lying to him, it rotted away at her insides. Maybe more necrotic than the cancer that lived along the walls of her chest. "I just need a few days to myself," 

The raspiness in her voice was louder than her words. Even louder than the lies that she was telling him. There was no plan in store, no way she knew how to tell him or what to tell him. If it were up to her, she'd never tell him. But, just as everything else, the truth would eventually come out; probably even quicker if she tried to run from it.

She would tell him, eventually. Not today, not tomorrow. 'Eventually' was the best she could do. Out of everyone, he was the one she wanted to spare from all of this. She felt guilty enough subjecting her friends and colleagues to this, despite knowing that deep down, they truly cared about her. It wouldn't be a burden to them like it would be to her, but somehow she couldn't convince herself of that. 

But to her, it was a lesser of two evils. Leave them in the dark, worried, or tell them and destroy them.

They were her family. They'd care no matter what, even if she didn't want them to. But she knew what it was like to be alone, truly alone. Her whole life had been spent virtually alone. Dragging people into her mess made her insides twist and turn with guilt. 

She could already hear them all telling her that it wasn't a burden at all; that they'd be there for her. They wouldn't see it as anything other than what a found-family was all about.

But her freefalling was reaching dangerous levels and she knew that the only way she could ever regain the control she was desperate for would be by walking away. Just for now, just until she could finally conjure the strength to tell Elliot what was truly happening to her. 

Without another word, she released her grip on his fingers and pushed herself up from the floor, wordlessly leaving him to himself. 

Eventually would have to wait.