Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Twenty Four - Desolation V

Between the cinder block walls, she is safe. The scent of betadine in the air might say otherwise. She knows its cement behind the drywall that's been painted a calming sage green. She knows that if her world were to combust at that very moment, she was in her own little bunker. This had been her bunker from the start, the pause she'd put on a never ending whirlwind that had become her life.

She is safe.

She had savored the last injection that would be coming at her own volition. Though, she had forced herself to do it alone. Thirteen days of Elliot pushing the plunger of medication into her body was just enough. She wanted the last day to herself. She needed it.

Instead of relying on him, she had done what she had planned to do alone since day one, the thing she had been scared of doing from the moment she'd picked up the supplies at the pharmacy. She'd squeezed the least bruised and tender spot on her stomach and forced herself to feel the pain of the injection. Like the lighting of the last sacramental torch before barreling into the unknown.

If she couldn't give herself one tiny needle, she was afraid she couldn't do any of it.

The flesh colored band-aid blended with her skin, hiding her last self-inflicted wound that was given in the name of hope. In the name of a new life that was to come after her this chapter was closed... if the chapter closed.

The clock had started and all that was left between the barrier of now and then was 36 hours.

The last voluntary stab into her skin. This was hope, she told herself. Her eyes remained glued to the blank wall in front of her. This is hope. This had to be hope...

How the hell is this hope?

Staring at a blank office wall while waiting for a fertility specialist to come in and inject her with the last step, how was that hope? Cotton balls and bandaids turning into IVs and bags of chemotherapy drugs. If this was hope, why did it feel like venturing into a dark and unfamiliar hallway?

She needed to be alone for this one. If not to prove it to herself, then to prove it to the universe. No hand to hold, no shoulder to cry on. If she were to have hope, it would need to be solely reliant on herself. To bear the uncomfortable alone meant to brave it alone, and some part of her wondered if she was leaning too heavily on Elliot's shoulder. She had to stand by herself in the rain of her own hurricane at least once.