Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Five - Kettering

Normally, she'd be proud of how spotless the apartment was. The sink was empty, randomly tossed clothes weren't scattered, files weren't covering every surface. The dishwasher was empty because over the course of six days, she had finished a single glass of water and half a plate of Chinese take-out. Laundry wasn't left to be done because she had been wearing the same pair of clothes for four days. The only signs of human life in her home were the layers of dust that started to gather on every shelf and tabletop. 

Her phone was still on the receiving end of countless messages; all unread. Elliot had left 22 voicemails — which slowed down after she finally spoke to him. Casey texted her at least twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. Fin had sent a few emails, carefully hinting that he was worried about her; not that she had the strength to read it. Munch was too busy to even notice her absence, though he felt the sudden emptiness in the squad room. 

For the first time in six days, she was actually waiting for the phone to ring. It wasn't a call she had ever hoped of receiving. Rather than hoping for a friend to call, she was waiting for an appointment confirmation. Soon, she'd be waiting for a lot of those. 

It was funny, oddly enough. When she had first been sat down at the wrong end of a desk, a concerned doctor speaking to her, she decided at that moment that she would keep her diagnosis to herself for as long as possible. She hadn't even made it two days before she had blurted it out to Casey and hinted to Cragen. 

It was easier to outrun her secrets with different people. With Elliot, despite the gnawing feeling of wanting to tell him, she had found more strength in keeping it a secret from him. She didn't feel the need to protect her secret as strongly with Casey or Cragen. But with other people, people she wasn't as close with, there was no overpowering will to protect them that would end up guarding her secrets. 

With him, the need to protect him from herself came stronger than the need to tell him the truth. 

Despite popular belief, he had done the same for her. Way back, nearly lifetimes ago, he had kept his separation a secret. Most people thought that maybe it was because he didn't want to drag his personal life into the workplace. Although that might have been true, she knew in her heart of hearts that he hadn't told her because he didn't want to do any damage to her. He wanted to protect her from his own demons. His own angst. He despised bringing his work home, but he didn't like to bring his home to his work any bit more. 

It was all for naught though. Not because he and Kathy got back together, but because they ended up following through with the divorce not long after Eli was born. He was alone. Truly, bonafide alone now. He could no longer protect Olivia from his damage, it was an integrated part of himself now. He went home to an empty apartment, and everybody knew it.

Looking back, she wished he had told her sooner. If Lorna Scarry hadn't spilled the beans, she wondered how much longer he would've waited. It seemed stupid to keep it in the dark from her, which should've been the turning point on her perspective of her own situation. It wasn't. But she understood now.