Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Six - Pearls

Alone in the bleak, white exam room, Olivia's clothes were carefully folded on the chair across the room. Once again, she found herself in a scratchy white gown with familiar blue patterns. Were they supposed to be flowers or polka-dots? 

The doctor had walked out after the exam, leaving her a moment to re-dress herself and talk in his office. He was nice, Doctor Keller. That had to count for something given that she'd probably be seeing more of the man than she'd ever want to. 

She briefly wondered who it was that designed the exam rooms and waiting rooms. Were the colorful and abstract paintings on the wall supposed to distract her from the crushing reality of why she was there in the first place? Were they meant to add cheer to a place that most reasonably sane people would consider a living Hell? At least it was a nice contrast to the sterility of the room. 

Her thoughts began to wander again. Suddenly, she was reacquainted with the feeling of being dirty despite sitting in a room that stunk of bleach and betadine. 

Cancer made her feel dirty. Disgusting, filthy, tarnished and polluted. She felt so polluted.

She finally conjured enough energy to push herself off of the exam table and rid herself of the harsh cotton gown. Throwing on the knitted grey sweater, she thought about how different of a person she was the last time she had worn those clothes. It wasn't about the clothes, but she had never looked at that stupid sweater and thought 'I'm not gonna be the same person next time I wear that.'

That was dumb. Who would think like that?

"Miss Benson?" came the sound of her name being called followed by a knock on the door. "I can take you back to Doctor Keller now." the nurse smiled sweetly. 

Miss Benson. 

Here, she wasn't a detective. Just like the last test. Alone in a hospital waiting room feeling naked without her badge and gun. It wouldn't change. Each test, each exam, each meeting, it would never change the fact that she was sitting there not as a detective, but as a fellow human being. Just as vulnerable and endangered as the next. She'd never get used to that. Her badge had a way of making her forget that she was just another person.

She followed the nurse down the center of the hallway, the walls passing her in perfect symmetry. Each step she took was more dizzying than the last. She wasn't new to the scene of a hospital, but she was new to the scenes of these kinds of hospitals. Balding heads, sickly patients of all ages, loved ones holding loved ones. 

At that moment, it occurred to her again that she was alone. Truly, utterly alone. This time, thinking about it burned worse. The pain radiated from her stomach to her spine. When she had first realized she was alone, she was supported by the novocaine of shock, but it was wearing thin and reality was becoming louder. She didn't have to be alone, but at the same time, she did. It was the moral thing to do in her mind. She knew the offers would come, just as it had come from Casey. Shoulders to cry on had been offered, but she wouldn't accept them, thus absolving herself of any self-pity for now.