Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Fifteen - Prayer

Casey had fallen asleep in the sadistically uncomfortable waiting room chairs. Four hours. He'd watched the clock for four grueling hours with no updates. He'd watched the third hand on the clock, ticking every second that passed. Each time, his heart sank lower. By now, he was certain that it didn't even exist inside of him anymore.

"Case... I'm gonna go get some coffee," he whispered as she stirred. He couldn't watch the clock anymore, if he did, he'd go insane. He was going insane, there was no point in pretending he still had a shred of control.

Instead of going to the cafeteria, he decided to wander the halls. He'd called Cragen, let him know that he was taking the rest of the day off. He almost insisted on coming down himself, but Elliot had convinced him otherwise. He didn't want anyone else to have to sit around and watch the clock.

Lost in one of the hallways, he stumbled upon the chapel. Every hospital had one. It was a place he had never dreamed of walking into, but he made his way inside of the empty room without realizing.

It dawned on him... he felt so far away from God. He had for a while.

When had he strayed? He couldn't pinpoint it. He never could. It was always so gradual, and just like that, he was too far gone before he even realized. There was never just one moment that caused the downfall, but instead, too many moments.

He took a deep breath, sitting down in one of the pews. Unsure of what exactly he was doing, he did the one thing that came natural. He bowed his head, clasped his hands, and quietly whispered under his breath.

"Dear God... I don't usually pray this way. Actually, I haven't prayed at all in a while. I guess I've been too afraid of being reamed out by Father Denis for avoiding confessional. I'm used to the big cathedral ceilings, not the small hospital chapels. Maybe a change of scenery will help, I'm not sure. I haven't been looking to you with help for my problems, maybe that's my biggest sin. But this isn't about my sins, so please forgive me for cutting to the chase."

"Betadine." Doctor Keller's voice filled the O.R.

"I'm not praying for myself, per se. Or maybe I am, that's up for you to decide. My partner is up there. I don't know what they're doing to her, nobody will tell me anything. Sorry, maybe that seemed passive aggressive, I don't know. But in a literal sense, I have no clue what is going on. I didn't even know until earlier."

"Scalpel."

His tears fall down the wooden pew in front of him.

This isn't working. It doesn't feel right.

"Making an incision in the left axilla."

"I'm angry at you, God."

He hates himself for the bluntness but it's the first time something felt right in oh so long.

"Maybe I'll burn for admitting that, maybe not. But my faith is weakening and I'm angry. I'm angry that this has happened to her, and I'm angry that you let it happen. Hasn't she been through enough? I mean, why her? From the very start, she's never had a break. She's never had it easy. Not for a minute. Now this? I'm supposed to trust you and yet I can't, for a single moment, figure out why the hell this is happening. What greater purpose is there? What greater reasoning that surpasses all pain is there for her to be exactly where she is? Can you please just answer that for me? Please? I have seen so many soulless, broken people come across my path who have suffered much less and somehow she still has a light in her eyes. Why? Why can't she ever catch a freaking break? I'm angry. I'm livid. I'm infuriated. I've done a lot of things in my life that have probably earned me a one-way ticket to Hell, so I sure as shit am not afraid to burn here first for admitting that I am so fucking angry."