Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Twenty One - Desolation II

'Patiently awaiting' was not how she would word it.

Struggling to breathe while the crushing reality of a life or death situation was sitting on her chest was a much, much better explanation.

She'd done what she could for the time being — her own definitions of waiting patiently. She'd stared at the blank screen of her phone for hours, waiting for the call. She'd gone to work, managing to make a dent in her pile of paperwork, and everyone else's for that matter. Desk duty left her antsy, but not nearly as much as the wait did. She'd paced back and forth through the hallway of her building, sometimes managing to go for a walk around the corner when her body would allow for it.

The exhaustion, she could feel it becoming stronger. She didn't want to admit it, but she knew that it was her body's way of growing tired of fighting; the fight hadn't even started yet.

It was only a matter of time before she took the situation into her own hands. Doctor Keller had been the one who had said that having a family history would make life, and her diagnosis, much easier.

The light is shining through her apartment, and once again, it feels inappropriate.

Her world was becoming dark again. Every day that she inched closer to the end of her IVF round, she felt the reality seeping further. Though, she'd had a good run, a solid few weeks of something less than misery.

She suspected that it would be the last good run she'd have for a long time.

Even in the light, she feels the darkness.

As much as she wanted to avoid the reality of her future, the feeling of anticipation outweighed the fear. Waiting another minute before receiving the test results of her genetic screening felt like wasting valuable time. Taking control was something she had the ability to do, so why not?

There was one more person she'd need to tell. She'd made the plans, she'd carefully mapped out every word, despite already knowing she would veer off the tracks. She always did. These conversations didn't come with an instruction booklet. She'd get emotional and so would he and it would feel like the end of the world even though the Earth kept turning.

But answers were more important than secrets, and her life depended on those answers.

She checked the clock and checked again, almost certain that time was simply not moving forward. Every few minutes when the anxiety would rise again, she'd glance at the glass bottles on her counter and feel just the slightest bit of relief.

Elliot had offered to stay with her for this and she had declined. She couldn't bring herself to tell him that she didn't trust him to not escalate this further than it needed to be. He didn't mind, he had expected her to say no. Benson, always the one who could do it on her own.

That didn't cease his worries though.

He knew she was pacing, he knew she was shivering with worry. You don't have to be alone, Liv. He'd meant it. He'd meant it with his entire soul when he'd said it. He'd wasted time being angry, valuable time that they were clinging to, wasted by being angry and petty and selfish.