30 Day Letter Challenge 2012 - Emily

Day 12 - The Person You Hate/Caused You The Most Pain

Day 12 - The Person You Hate/Caused You The Most Pain

Dear ---,

You are a horrible person, but I’m sure you know that. If you don’t, you need to wake up and look in a mirror to see who you truly are.

I’m finding this letter hard to write because there is so much I want to say, but so much I’m holding back as well. It’s hard… you caused my family and me so much pain that will never go away.

You’re the reason my parents broke up. Yes, I know it takes two for a relationship, but you didn’t have to be such a bitch about it. Honestly, I have never known someone as horrible as you and I wish you had just stayed out of my life.

It was April last year when my dad announced that we were going to meet you for the first time. So we jumped on an aeroplane, stayed at my grandparents house one night and then the next day got on a train. The 2-hour trip was excruciating. I hated the wait and wondering what you’d be like. Dad tried to comfort me, saying you were wonderful and I would love you and all that crap. I could tell how much Dad was willing it to be true, so I decided that whether or not I did like you, I would act like I did. For my dad’s sake. That was the hardest thing. I instantly didn’t like you. You were fake and paid no attention to my brother or me. You ignored us, which Dad told us was because you were nervous. That so wasn’t the reason.

I’m going to start off by saying all the things that made me dislike you so much. Then I’m going to say what made me HATE you.

Whenever we went on holidays to Hong Kong, where you and Dad live, I had the worst time ever. I used to dread going to HK, which is saying something because I love that place so much. Every time we went, you would spin everything and make it about you. It was always you, you, you. You would complain when our plans didn’t fit in with yours and so we would have to change them all, then you would pull out saying you were ‘too tired’ and our plans would be stuffed up. It was really frustrating, but that didn’t make me hate you, it just made me annoyed and showed me you were used to getting your way.

Another thing that made me dislike you was the effect you had on my dad. He would come home less and less. I would be lucky if we saw him once a month for a couple of days. He blamed his busy work schedule but I could see all the photos on Facebook. Of you two out on the boat. In Bali. In Paris. In London. And he couldn’t manage to fit in a small visit between all of that? Or instead of all of that? I know that doesn’t sound like it was your fault, but it was. You would complain that he wasn’t in Hong Kong enough so that he would stay. What about us though? Didn’t we deserve to see our dad?

No, even then I didn’t hate you. It was only until around Christmastime last year did that complete hate for you really kick in. Why? Because of what you did to my mum.

You sent my mum some horrible emails, which had a domino effect on everything. I know it doesn’t sound so bad on writing, but let me tell you it was the most terrible thing that happened to us.

Mum, my brother and I were staying at my aunty’s house for the holidays. It was a really hot day and we were all getting ready to hop in the pool. Mum was checking her emails and I was standing next to her, kind of staring at the screen in that way that you do when you don’t really focus on anything. But I instantly knew something was wrong when Mum started trying to shut the computer frantically. She managed to, but not before I saw in her inbox an email with your name on it. I didn’t want to approach her about it, because I could see how worried she was that I might have seen, so I excused myself from the pool, saying I was tired, and went to look at the email. I know it was the wrong thing to do, I never should have read her emails. But I had to.

The first thing I read made me feel sick. You were so awful in the things you were saying. I thought to myself after the first paragraph ‘surely there can’t be anything worse in there’, so I read on. And boy was I wrong! It just got even more terrible and soon I couldn’t help the tears. I cried and cried and cried, until my family got out of the pool. Mum could tell why I was upset, seeing me standing by her laptop. She ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. I could feel her pain in that hug and that was the exact moment that I started hating you so much.

I remember telling Mum that I hate Dad. Because of the things you said in the email. Because all the things you said painted everything like it was Mum against you and Dad. And that you had the upper hand. I never did hate him, I could never hate my dad, but that was the closest I ever got to that feeling.

You might not think the email was such a big deal, but it was to me. It made me feel things I never wanted to feel against my dad. The animosity stayed right up until I talked to him. As soon as I heard his voice I knew he wasn’t at fault, it was all you. He promised me that the things you wrote were lies. Mum had forwarded him the email, you told me, and he ended it right away, but I don’t think he truly realised the effect it actually had until he talked to me. And I think that was the moment he started hating you too. He told me that ever since he ended it with you just hours before, you sent abusive text messages. He said he had to escape Hong Kong for a week or so because it was getting to much. He couldn’t come home to Australia because he knew you would follow him there. So he went to the Philippines for a week and then returned back to Hong Kong.

You were still sending the messages to him last time we visited Hong Kong. When will you get it in your head that he HATES YOU?! All of my family will forever because of what you did.

Dad’s relationship and mine was shaky after that. I didn’t fully trust him and I think he felt guilty that I was so hurt, so he turned a bit defensive. We would fight so often and so much that I lost my voice from screaming on numerous occasions and lots of other things. I am so glad that Dad and I have fixed up our relationship now, but it was your entire fault to begin with.

Did you know that there are certain songs that Dad and I have that remind us of you? One of them is ‘Jar of Hearts’. “You’re going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul, so don’t come back for me, who do you think you are?’” Another one is ‘Are You F***ing Kidding Me’ by Kate Miller-Heidke. That one’s a bit more comical, but still the lyrics are true.

I hope that someday I will be able to forgive you for what you did, but I don’t see that day anytime soon.

Emily