The Cub in the Water

THE MIRAGE

I couldn't keep track of the time that went by until I was able to see my dad again. I just know it wasn't soon.

After he left, mom went into nasty mode.

"I hope you understand that the decision your father made affects us terribly. He destroyed our family. He left me, but most importantly, he left you. I could never do that to you. What kind of man does that? I guess having to take care of you became quite an inconvenience for him. That, or he has more important things to worry about."

I didn't understand all those big words at the time. However, I sure did feel them.

With every chance she had, she assured the wound went even deeper. If I asked about him, the answer was something along the same lines.

Every time I wanted to see him there was always some very elaborate excuse that came up to deny my petition. Like if the planets would have to align for it to happen.

She did everything in her power to keep us apart, even though she couldn't always do it. We lived between on and off going situations regarding the visitation privileges for about six months. What was the key factor? Her mood. It would have been easier if the situation relayed in a complicated equation, but it didn't. We depended solely and exclusively on her mood. And boy she was mood swinging!

When she was in a good mood she would even encourage the visits. If it was flat she didn't give a rat's ass. If she was in a crappy mood, well, the doors of hell would open. I'm not kidding. To exemplify this dark side of the moon, I'll tell you about this one very melodramatic scene I have tattooed in my brain, the kind you normally just see in movies, where there's sad music added to the background of all the yelling.

With us not being able to be together after a while, my dad decided to take some action. He went to the apartment and stood outside for about an hour. He tapped on the windows, asking my mom to open the door. I remember him calling out, "Helga, please! I just want to see my daughter. I just want to hold her for a minute. Please open the door. Please let me see Mia," followed by him calling my name several times over and over, "Mia, Mia, Mia... Mia."

I reached out to my mom, "I want to see him".

She scolded, "Go back to your room!" I did.

Minutes later I heard my dad's voice in the apartment, my heart started to beat fast. After what it seemed a lifetime of yelling, I decided to go out and head to the living room where they were arguing. I stayed hidden behind the corridor's wall. Something I apparently didn't do very well because five seconds after I got there my dad looked at me and smiled.

I started to walk towards him. Before I could reach him, my mom turned to me with this heavy and terrifying look, "I told you to go to your room. Now go and stay there."

She immediately turned to my dad and walking towards him started to yell, "Get out of my house! Get out right now!" She yelled again, and again, so loudly I thought her lungs would explode.

I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I started crying inevitably. Through my tears, I could see my dad's eyes reaching for mine, and at that moment, I knew, that all he wanted was to get my mom out of the way and reach out to me. His eyes started to fill with tears too. They reflected a combination of pain and anger. He faced my mom, "This is not over Helga. I'll keep coming back. You can't keep me from her forever. I'll find a way." Then he looked at me and with an, "I love you, Mia," turned around and walked out.

A very loud sound came after the door closed. My dad had kicked the door so hard that a crack appeared on it.

I guess it was the combination of frustration, anger, and pain that led him to that act. Emotions that I would later relate to very well. Emotions that would lead me to understand his doing, eventually.