That's The Way Love Goes

Chapter 15

I woke up with a bad head ache. I opened my eyes and tried to figure out where I was. I tried to remember what had happened the day before. At least I thought it was the next day already. I had a feeling it was.

I stood up slowly, trying to not to hit my head although there was nothing I could have hit my head. If I tried to stand up, I almost fell down but luckily I refound my balance and managed to stay up.

"Good morning," said a familiar voice. Too familiar. The last voice I wanted to hear. The only voice I wanted to hear. The only voice I didn't want to hear. Actually, I didn't want to hear any voices. Counting Austin's but he was there and he wanted to talk and he talked. "Tell me, what happened yesterday. You would never skip school like that. You would never even drink like that."

"How would you know? You know nothing about me. You don't know who I really am, or who I was before my sister's death. And you don't know that I'm still the same person."

"Yes, I don't know you. But I know that you definitely are not the same person. You might believe that, but you're not. No human being could stay the same after experiencing something like you did. Like I did, too. You know, it sometimes seems to me like you forget what I've experienced. You're not the only one. I know how hard it can be. Especially if you don't talk about it with someone. Trust me, I know. If someone knows, it's me. And you, too. I haven't really talked about it with anyone either and I would really like to talk about it with you. Cause I know you would understand. I know we pretty much just met, but I feel like you can trust me. Don't you?"

"Please stop talking. My head is killing me and I can't think. Plus, I really do have to get home. My mom would get so mad if she didn't hear from me soon. So, bye," I said. I grabbed my jacket and headed home. He didn't stop me from leaving. He didn't say anything. He didn't even say good bye. It was a bit weird to leave like that but I decided it would be the best. If I had stayed, we would have chatted about our pasts and my mom would have gone crazy and that was the last thing I needed right then. My mom just got over my sister's death and she was happy after so long time. After my sister had died and my dad had left us. She finally was okay and I didn't want to ruin it. I din't want her to worry about me.

I walked in the cold streets of Bristol. I tried to ignore my head ache. I just wanted to get home.

I didn't understand what had happened last night. I remembered it all, but I just didn't understand. I had nothing to be angry about. I never would have gotten angry if I told someone about something like that. Like what I had told Em. It wasn't me. I didn't even had anger issues. Last night, it was almost as if I wasn't being myself. Like I was someone else. Which was weird although I was always someone, but this time it was different. Usually I could control it. Usually it was an act. But last night it wasn't. It was all me. But wasn't.

Finally I got to my house. I was glad my mom wasn't at home. Maybe she hadn't even noticed I hadn't been home... If she were, I probably would have been in so much trouble although I knew I could have talked to her and made her believe I was at Sandra's or Emily's place. After all, she was happy that I finally had some friends other than Sandra. She actually really didn't like Sandra. And of course Sandra knew that but she didn't care. She had never cared about other people's opinions. But my mom was okay with me being friends with her. She wasn't the kind of mom who would forbid her daughter to be friends with someone. After all she knew who I really was and she was proud I somehow had pulled myself together and I wasn't myself anymore. She was the kind of mom who didn't care if her daughter was unhappy. She just wanted her daughter to look good. Smart. So I wouldn't ruin our name. She actually once, years back, told me that she really couldn't take me anymore and that she would give me away to some strangers. No mom should ever even think anything like that. Luckily back then I had my dad who would support me. He used to care if I was happy. He used to want me to be happy. He used to do anything for me to be happy. But then, I only saw him maybe three times a month, through Skype.

I hated him for leaving us. For leaving mom. I understand that his daughter's death wasn't easy. It wasn't easy for us either. But he still had one daughter. A younger daughter. Who needed a father. Who was still alive and in a good health. I really hated him for leaving. More than anything else. Even more than Sasha.

The next day I went to school. It was like any other day. I saw Austin on my left. He was standing alone. When he saw me, he rushed over to me. I started walking faster.

"Hey, look at me," Austin said, pulling me back and hurting me a little bit.

I was standing so close to him. He was standing so close to me. I felt his breath on my face. My eyes fell on his lips (that were so damn perfect. I wanted to ask how did he have that perfect lips.) and my heart skipped a beat, or two. With all of my strength, I looked away. I wanted to kiss those lips more than anything in the world, but I knew I couldn't. If I even could, it would ruin our friendship and that would break my heart. It would break my heart if I couldn't be friends with him anymore. If he wouldn't talk to me. If I couldn't talk to him. If he looked me like I was a stranger to him. It would wreck me. "Hey," he said again. "Look at me!" he insisted. So I did, trying not to be hypnotized by his... him. "Are you okay?"

No, I wasn't okay. I was the opposite. I was everything, but not okay. I wished I was okay, but I wasn't. I hadn't been okay since my sister died. Oh, who am I kidding? Since my sister committed suicide. "Yes," I said.

"No, you're not." I was surprised. I thought he would believe me. "I can see it. I can feel it. You're not okay. You don't have to pretend with me, Ashley. Look, I'm not exactly okay either. We both have been through hell. Why don't we just... Ugh, I don't even know anymore."

I cold see it in his eyes that I could trust him. I knew I could. It was just hard for me to do. I hadn't trusted anyone in years. Only one I had trusted, was my sister. Who was dead. I didn't know if I could do it just yet. And if he was the one, who I could trust. I mean, I could but if I could. It's hard to explain. But it didn't hurt when I finally said, "No, I'm not okay." I sighed.

"Le' me tell you something. You'll probably never get over it. But I'm pretty sure she would have wanted you to. So, you can sit back and cry over her. Or, you can start living."

"When did you get this smart?" I was surprised. I had always thought he was stupid and would never say anything like that.

"That's something my psychologist said. And it helped me start living again."

"You went to a psychologist?"

He nodded. ''Although I didn't talk to her. Look, I'm not saying I'm okay. Definitely not. I'm far from being okay. But at least I can turn it off and forget it. Even if it's for a second."

"You know, I can sometimes forget it, too."