flowers at sea -lukadrien

-21- forever and ever

Tw: suicide, intrusive thoughts
[please skip this chapter if you're not comfortable with it. Thanks]
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How long do I have to endure this? Tell me how long. 

Give me a break.

It's already 11, I need to think of the third song. I can't think straight, nothing seems to work correctly, Juleka and the others are waiting for me, I need to get this figured out before the 4pm rehearsals plus we need to work on the duet and this new song before that.

Not enough time. It's too rushed. Makes me think whether accepting the offer is the right decision, I want to go home. I don't want to be in this empty corridor racking my brain, alone, the usual.

2pm. That's all time I could have. 3 more hours. Why can't I have a deadline for my problems? Can't everything just go away at once? Sometimes I just feel like dying, but I can't do it myself. There's still a beam of life telling me things will get better, I just need to wait. How long? It doesn't have an answer. It could be tomorrow, could be a year, could be in 3 decades. I rather just put an end to this rather than feel the faith in me falling apart slowly.

But I can't do that either, can I? There's people waiting for me now, counting on me. Maybe even feel some despair and empathy if I leave so suddenly, so I'll leave after all this. After I move out, after they forget about me, after I'm not essential to them any longer.

I just wish they wouldn't care about me anymore. I wish the world would end right now, so my death would just be a casualty, everyone gone at once, no more memories, no more suffering, no more pain, no regrets.

That's just selfish, isn't it? There's people who likes living, afraid of death, despise the thought that one day things will end. Then why me? Can't I be one of them too?

My hand trembled as I opened my notebook, my head shuddered, shivers were sent up my arm, a sharp beep ringed through my ears. My fingers flipped through the pages until I reached the very last page to the song, my eyes hurt, my heart tightened, with hatred and pain, I ripped off the page, crumbling it, tearing it to pieces.

I let out a sigh of relief. I felt at peace at once, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, the tightness loosened, my head cleared, for once, I felt that this could be put to an end, no more of this constant worry and thoughts.

Those restless nights, where all I could do this grit my teeth and bury my head in the ground. This relaxation, my head was finally cleared, no more voices, silence. I felt tired, not tired of myself, not tired of my life, but tired as in everything had ended, and I could finally put this to an end.

I glanced out of the window, what if I jumped? What would happen? Would I end up in hell? Would I enter an endless void of darkness? Or would I just lose consciousness, forget everything? I'm curious, really. I'm fine with anything, I feel so free and pure, like I can do everything I ever wanted. Where's the lost in it? I hated living anyways. It's just a split decision. 

I closed my eyes as I sat back down. Soon, but not today. This feeling is like never before, I want to feel more of it, I don't feel angry, scared or upset, nor happy or excited. Let me sleep peacefully, will you? I don't mind if I don't wake up, just let me fall into deep sleep.

This serenity, this calmness, this composure. I could stay like this forever.