Creepypasta Magic ☽☉☾

How To Commit The Perfect Murder

First things first: Murder is wrong, OK? But let's say, hypothetically, that you're considering committing one anyway: how would you do it? Practically everyone wants to murder someone. That jerk that got the job you want. That guy who gets all his books reviewed while your books don't even get published. That handsome, horrible dude everyone loves when only you know he is a complete fraud who must be exposed. Jonathan Franzen. Maybe you want to murder novelist Jonathan Franzen. Let's say you do. You want to stand over Jonathan Franzen's wrecked body as it bubbles over with his own blood. You're laughing and he's just kind of lying there, gurgling. You beat him to death with an iPad and now there won't be any more sprawling family angst novels from Mr. Handsome Fake Genius Man. Maybe that is who you want to murder. Maybe you would really enjoy wringing his skinny Brooklyn neck. His skinny, pretentious, overrated, Brooks Brothers neck. Hypothetically. Here are some things to think about while you're totally planning the fake murder you have no intention of actually doing and by reading this sentence you hereby absolve the writer of any complicity in the crimes you will in no way go out and commit here comes the period and Jim is absolved.

The first step is to give up on the idea of committing the "perfect murder." That's the terrain of Agatha Christie novels, and no Agatha Christie novel ever ends with the murderer eating cheese as they sit in their Tuscan countryside villa, laughing to themselves about the murder they got away with. That's more like Patricia Highsmith territory. The end of 100% of the mystery novels in world literature — go check them all, I'll wait — is that the murderer gets caught. The case is complicated, there are many twists and turns, but then the detective solves it, the local constabulary drags the murderer away, the end. Mysteries on TV, too. I want just one to end with like Andy Sipowicz saying to a murderer, "I want you to know that I know that you did it. And I will figure out some way to prove it eventually. So keep looking over your shoulder. Because I'll be there." So don't think about the perfect murder, the one that goes exactly as planned and without a hitch. This is murder — there are always hitches. Think about the perfect outcome: Cheese, villa, laughing.

Have a really good reason. 99% of murders are for money, love, revenge or to cover up another crime. The 1% ones are about using people's skins to sew together a ladysuit. Let's focus on the majority.

If your reason is money, make it for a lot of money. If it's revenge, make it revenge for something great. You probably will only get one chance at getting away with murder. The NYPD clears, like, 60% of murders. Each murder, you keep rolling the dice. You can murder an anonymous stranger, just to see what it's like to kill someone. But what fun is that? Especially if you only get to kill one? That's like only eating one delicious slider at White Castle. Do they even sell single sliders at White Castle? I don't think so. Because you wouldn't be satisfied. Anyway, killing randomly and for no reason might increase your chances of getting away with it, but it won't soothe your unbearable bloodlust. People generally kill people they know, it's just way more satisfying.

Perhaps you want to kill the person who has the job you want. Say Anna Wintour — or Carmelo Anthony. You're just not getting the ball at the top of the key anymore because Mr. Ball Hog takes, like, 40 shots a night for the Knicks. Or you want to be the one occupying that office atop the Manhattan skyline, deciding who gets to be cool and who has to move to Hartford Forever. Sure, go ahead — if you're sure the Knicks will say "Now that 'Melo has vanished from the face of the earth, please be our Small Forward." Or that Si will turn to you and not some other horrible ambition monster. Otherwise, it's not worth it.

It's a bad idea to try to eliminate all evidence from a crime scene. A tempting strategy, but completely the wrong way to go. Instead of going for zero evidence, what you want to do is make sure there's plenty of evidence all over the crime scene. Like a huge puddle of semen or a big pile of pubes. As long as it's someone else's semen and pubes. Or pour some buckets of other people's blood all over the dead body. Sort that out, coppers!