Braving the Past

Chapter 42: Make Them See

Tom watched from the window of Hermione's old bedroom in the Head dormitory as five figures made their way across the grass. Two had stopped short for a moment before he had to look away as their bodies morphed. After witnessing how painful a transformation it was in the past, Tom hated seeing Hermione go through it again.

He wondered if she would ever let him help her again. Not that she had always been a willing recipient in the past, but something told him she would be even less likely now. He had never really felt guilt for his actions before, but thinking about his mistake of leaving to find his future self left a sour taste in his mouth that he longed to be rid of.

Life had been so much easier when he hadn't cared. When he took what he wanted and felt the satisfaction of winning, of being the best - the greatest. Though he wished he could go back to that life, Tom knew he couldn't. Hermione's influence had seeped too close to his heart. There would be no going back to his old ways now. Not after everything.

The five figures, now their own respective animals, ran together across the grounds and disappeared behind the trees, two resounding howls left in their wake. He tried to gulp down the lump in his throat. It stayed where it was, succeeding to agitate him further.

Lily walked in behind him, already dressed in loose night clothes. Her long red hair was pulled up in a messy bun that Tom worried was doomed to come undone any moment.

"Did you see them?" she wondered.

Tom looked back out the window, even though he couldn't see them anymore, and nodded.

"Count yourself lucky," she said. "I think you're the first person, aside from Hermione, to have seen them in their animagus forms." Tom could almost detect a hint of envy in her voice, but it was so slight he couldn't be sure.

"I'd much rather be out there with them, than watching from up here," Tom muttered.

"Yeah, well get over it. They wouldn't let you even if they did trust you."

Tom looked back at Lily. "You mean, you haven't seen that James fellow as...whatever he is?"

It was Lily's turn to shake her head. "I honestly wasn't even sure Remus was a...you know...until yesterday. Then it all clicked."

"I thought you and him were a couple. Do relationships in the future often consist of secrets?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "We're not dating, or courting, or however you refer to it where you're from. I'm actually not sure what we are..." She eyed him for a moment, then turned away to look out the window. "And now I'm confiding in an evil wizard." She laughed at herself.

"I'm not - "

"Save it." Lily waved her hand at him. "I'm sure Hermione has explained to you how trust works, yes?"

Tom frowned. "She has mentioned it once or twice."

"Well, you're leaving soon, so it doesn't really matter."

Lily turned around and walked out of the bedroom. After one last glance out the window, Tom followed her. She was now sprawled across the sofa, a book in hand.

"I'm sorry, you know," Tom said from the doorway.

Lily slowly lowered her book and looked at Tom skeptically.

"For what?" she inquired.

Tom rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. "For what I've done...or what I will do, I suppose."

She sat up and draped an arm over her raised knee. "Why are you apologizing to me?"

He thought for a moment. He wasn't even sure himself. Perhaps he just wanted people to look at him the way Hermione looked at him sometimes. Without malice or hatred or distrust. Like he was a normal human being who was allowed to make mistakes and still come back from them.