DRASTIC (Book 4 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 44: Smart Girls Give TMI

Marley

When I knock on Darius' door, a grumbly "what?" greets me.

I poke my head and the plate of brownies in. "Gwen made these for you."

He's lying with one hand behind his head, his other holding his phone in front of his face, but at that, he tosses the phone down.

"She did?"

"Yep. She sent you a note, too. It's nice."

Now he sits up and gives me the full glare. "You read it?"

"Yes. Because you know, world's worst mom," I tap my chest and enter.

He huffs. "Ya think?"

"Darius, how could I not be? I wasn't there for you the first whole year of your life. That was not my choice, but it was still a consequence of my choices. After that I kept making choices that let the distance remain between us. I know I haven't been a great mother to you. Not when I was younger. I couldn't put you first. I didn't know how. And I'm sorry.

"In hindsight, if I had to do over again, I would never have gone to UGA. I would have gone to school in Atlanta, done some different kind of program. Maybe nursing, like Shay. Something that would have given me more time with you. I would have never left you with Pat and TJ and moved in with Marc. But I can't go back. All I can do is to try to be a better mother now."

I stand there, with the plate of brownies in my hands and my heart on my sleeve.

Darius stares at me. He rolls his eyes. He beckons me forward. We eat brownies. He reads Gwen's note and, after a long moment of what looks like indecision, he tucks it under his pillow without any comment.

Eating my brownie is hard to do when my lips are wanting to curl upward in a smile at that.

"What?" he challenges.

"Nothing," I say, taking another large bite to prevent my smile.

We totally kill the brownies. Like a thousand calories each of wordless chocolate wonder.

When they are gone, Darius lays back down on the bed.I fight the urge to run a hand over his shorn hair, that looks so much like Bodie's new do. I don't pet Darius, though. Darius finds the babying gestures irritating now.

"You're not a bad mom. All that stuff...it's not your fault. You did the best you could."

"I shouldn't have moved in with Marc. I think I really messed us up there. Especially because—"

"Because you didn't even love him." Darius says quickly. "Because you were escaping the whole TJ-Shay thing. Yeah, that did kind of make me mad. Would been different if—"

He stops abruptly.

After a long moment, I probe. "If what, Darius?"

"If you and me and Marc were ever going to be a family," he says. "We weren't and it's weird how I kind of knew it. Even at ten  years old, I knew it. You two were weird. Not...easy together. Not like TJ and Shay."

"That's why you like living with TJ and Shay. Because they feel like a real family."

He shrugs. "Shoulda been you and TJ. Not her."

"That was never going to happen, Darius."

"Because of Daemon."

"Because of Bodie," I say quickly, surprised at my own truth. "TJ and Bodie were best friends. They were always together. Maybe that's why I never got over Bodie. Every day, he was always surrounding me in that house. I saw him in memories, because of TJ. I...I saw him in you, but I thought I was imagining it. Seeing what I want to see."