The Goblin's Heir

Chapter Twenty Five: Burden

The hut was still pitch black dark when I stirred from a restless sleep. I sat up, pulling at the soft fabric of my midnight cloak, more for comfort than warmth. All around me, my children were snoring, completely dead to the world. If only I could find such peace. Even when the dreams of Knut were pleasant, I awoke with a nearly unbearable ache in my chest. I rubbed at my breastbone, trying to ease it, but it only seemed to throb all the more. 

I looked around at my children's sleeping faces. Floki slept propped up by the doorway, one hand resting on a sword lying across his lap, ready to grab it and gut whoever dared to sneak into the hut to do us wrong. Odd was sprawled out on his back, his arms and legs bent at weird angles. Even at twenty-one years of age, he still slept as restlessly as a young child, kicking and flailing through the night. Frit and Neasa slept at my side, Neasa between us. Her chain was still wrapped firmly around his arm. Her back was to him, her knees drawn up to her stomach. They both frowned in their sleep, their brows twitching together, while in polar contrast, Cat slept peacefully in Bran's arms, her cheek resting against his chest and his against her head. 

The sight of them made my eyes sting with tears of jealousy and longing, yet I was reminded of my many nights spent in the brooding chamber, surrounded by much smaller versions of the men around me now. Nights spent holding them and Knut, reading bedtime stories and laughing together and for a moment I was back there, warm in my massive bed made smaller by all the little bodies squishing me between them, Knut smiling at me over the top of Floki's golden head. The warmth of that thought eased away the ache in my chest, if for just a short time. 

I sat in silence, listening to my loved ones' breathing. Tova's request rattled around in my skull. I'd curled my lip at her, biting back a rampage that would leave her ugly face skinless. "Sod off," had been my only response. I'd ignored her the whole rest of the dinner and excused myself as soon as I'd eaten my fill. The last time I'd been alone with Tova, hadn't worked out well for me and trusting anything she said felt wrong and stupid. Still, my curiosity was peaked. The promise to have the chance to fully take my revenge, to help her along in her death, was a hard thing to pass up. 

She'd hurt me very deeply. In ways, I don't think she ever truly understood. It was her betrayal, not Jasper's that had caused me the most the harm, for the wound hadn't just been inflicted on me or Magni. That pain touched every member of my family and still, we all dealt with its aftermath, like a permanent limp. Knut, feeling helpless to comfort me, buried himself in his work and my sons distanced themselves from me. The rift created during our year apart had never really healed and had only widened as they aged and their coronation grew nearer. Meanwhile, I had completely shut down, so overcome with the fear of more loss to function. I couldn't have friends, couldn't mend my relationship with my living sons, or be there for Knut when he needed me most. All this was her doing. The fallout from one, stupid, selfish decision. 

And then I realized that Cerise wasn't there.

She'd been sleeping by the door on the opposite side of Floki. There was a bare spot where she'd been, but she was nowhere in sight. I was about to panic and scream for everyone to wake up, when she peeked into the doorway, silently crooking her finger at me to beckon me over.

 I got up quietly and carefully stepped over sleeping bodies. Frit murmured in his slip and rolled closer to Neasa. Her brow pinched unhappily, but she didn't wake. It took some fancy maneuvering, but at last, I made it outside. We walked a ways away from the hut. "What were you doing awake?" I asked.

"Probably the same reason you are. Bad dreams." Cerise frowned at her feet as she pulled her thick brown curls over her shoulder. "Sorry for eavesdropping, but I overheard Tova's request earlier. Are you going to do it?" Cerise asked, untangling her hair with her fingers.