It hurts...you know?
I mean to cry, that is.
It hurts my head, my eyes, my stomach, my stupid feelings.
It brings pain to my head because I think.
And when I think, I think hard.
I think with intense emotion. I feel every thought as if it's the only thought to ever exist inside my head. I feel and think up the emotions that would go with that thought if I were to lose control and set it free.
Throwing a tantrum, crying endless cold tears, or raging till I go bloody mad.
The emotions of the thought ring free, causing a headache. The endless waves of whispers and screams, soft slithers and nails on a chalkboard. Never ceasing and increasing more when my heavy blanket of depression settles on top of me. The repetitive, screechy but soothing voices telling me what I really am.
WORTHLESS
NOTHING
ALONE
EMOTIONLESS
TERRIFIED
HUNTED
I think of the thought that I am easy prey. I'm too scared to look behind me or to both sides. I'm horrified of looking up and seeing what stands before me.
But what is it?
A monster?
A person?
No...
A mirror.
A mirror that shows me who I NEED to be. Shows me my responsibilities as a person.
Shows me who I once was.
I would be afraid of that girl of back then...And that girl of back then would be afraid of the girl of now.
My eyes ache from tears because they just pour.
I cry cold tears. Tears that are never of happiness. Tears of pain and suffering. Tears of lost memories. Tears FOR a lost smile.
My tears pour for the lost cause.
That lost cause being the little girl who adored the world. She couldn't wait to understand it. For it to be her teacher, and her it's student. For it to embrace her and show her it's ways. Teach her so that she knew the secret ways of the world and everything would be okay...
That girl was naive. She was stupid. How dare she open her arms to the world, waiting for it to pick her up, when it was the one that knocked her down? When it was the one that caused her tears to fall off her chin and the smile to turn into a frown, or an eternal sneer. Her eyes hurt from seeing too much, from crying on the inside and outside. The world just laughing in her face. Taunting and teasing her just to see more tears fall from beneath her eye lids.
My stomach clenches at the thought of actually being that type of person. Being stupid and hopeful and ready to do it all.
My stomach does a roll when I think of what's ahead of me. This girl's future will not be the brightest. Her roads may not be the smartest. But she'll take the days as they go, expecting absolutely nothing. So that it cuts down the percentage of disappointment throughout her life.
Knowing what's yet to come, keeps her tense. Aching to just relax but knowing that's her way of vulnerability. She stays ready for anything. To be on edge is all she knows. She stares off into space, thinking of ever counter attack she could possibly use.
She cringes at the thought of more tears coming. Knowing she's showing weakness and once that happens, all will know. Will take advantage of it and use it against her. It's expected and she's prepared.
Her feelings get in the way of everything. Makes her heart just a bit softer, makes her love just a bit harder. She wishes they would go away, to never return again. She would rather use her thinking than her feeling because, logic. Feeling is not logic, feeling is not normally a trusted source in battle. In battle you go by thought and instinct. Instinct and feeling are two different things..
Beware to never mix the two...
Here's why
Instinct is a thought. A remembrance of maybe this situation has happened before and you go with what you think is right.
You act and go. No stopping, no mercy. You don't allow the enemy to have the first attack. You take care of it quickly and easily. Effortless.
Feeling is thinking with your heart which keeps you always open and always vulnerable. Allows those who are the enemy to find your weak spots and use it against you. Feeling is not the trusted source, and it never will be. Most people can't help it because it's who they are... Because hesitation brings pain in one way or another. Bearing and feeling the pain, fully and wholley, letting it take advantage.
It hurts, as I said before.
And now you know what I mean...
