I wish I was a dream...
Then the destruction I cause would simply be forgotten.
Would good ever come from the things that I've done?
Would I find someone who looks through my flaws, my wrongs, my fears?
Who knows I am afraid of love...of trying?
So many questions fill my head...
Not knowing the answer to a single one.
While I wish to cease to exist.
I worry, I cry, I scream, and die just a little more inside.
Not knowing my future makes me more afraid...being alone at the end of the day.
Vulnerability is the enemy I fear...being taken advantage of is all I know.
Is this the only reason to exist?
To not have control over your own situations?
Causing self harm so I feel a bit less. So that I learn to deal with it all.
A bigger smile here, a louder laugh there...all to keep me from crying.
The words hurt and they know it, but it's my job not to show it. To be emotionless and cold as they all say.
Because that's me, right?
Unbreakable and made of steel?
I. Am. SHATTERED inside. Every piece a foreign fragment to a simple puzzle.
Every smile... practiced.
Every word... the truth.
But still.
No one understands. No one asks...No one sees.
I show signs here and there, that I'm not okay.
That I'm screaming for help in a stranger place.
And just when I think you've caught on...I've lost you.
In the blink of an eye...you're gone.
I want you to see I'm sad
I want you to see I'm broken
I want you to see that I need someone
But at the same time...I don't.
I don't want you to see.
I don't want you to catch on
I don't want you to know... Because you won't believe.
You'll ask questions, you'll make statements, you'll JUDGE.
And I can't take it.
I can't take the questions.
I can't take the statements.
and I can't take your judgment.
I just want you to believe.
To believe that this is me being open and free, going against my will.
To show you who I am...
And hoping you'll keep me.
I know I'm stubborn and I know I'm weak, even with my walls of wanting, wanting to be someone, wanting to be something, ANYTHING other than me.
To exist as something more than what I am.
I wish I was a dream.
