Snowflakes & Fireweeds

8. Story Of My Life Pt. 2

Taehyung nodded and sat down. He stared at the table in front of him. He should probably eat the late breakfast and let Jungkook talk. Somehow he was expecting something very serious. Why would Jungkook want to tell him his story if it wasn't crucial?
Taehyung took the time to put the top plate aside and get to the pancakes underneath. Immediately, his mouth watered. The pancakes looked fluffy and delicious, filled and topped with blueberries and bananas.
He gulped and took the knife and fork to start eating.

Jungkook had waited for him to take the first bite. Now, that he saw the older closing his eyes and enjoying the taste, he was a little afraid to start talking. He didn't want this pleasant look to disappear anytime soon. After what Taehyung had told him, he was reluctant to talk about any more sad things. And his story wasn't a happy one either.
He took in a deep breath. A promise was a promise, no matter how small. Taehyung deserved to know why he was here, just as Jungkook had learned the same thing about Taehyung.
"So," Jungkook started, looking straight at him, only the fumbling with his cup giving away that he was nervous.

Taehyung looked straight at the younger and gave a small nod as an encouragement.
"The reason I came into the mountains and to this place is that I lost someone here."
Taehyung put down the cutlery, all appetite gone. He didn't say a word, just looked at Jungkook. His heart was already starting to ache.
"My father died one year ago on this road." Jungkook's hand moved in the direction where the main road was going up the hill to the intersection.
Taehyung remembered the accident. His normally peaceful life had been disturbed one day by an ambulance and police cars rushing uphill. However, he had stayed in his house, locked the doors and shut the blinds, as he didn't know anything anyway. The buzz continued for two days, and then the peaceful days returned for Taehyung.
He snapped out of his memories when Jungkook continued.
"He was always a cheerful and caring person. He was the best father I could've asked for. He was the best husband my mother could have had. He took my brother and me on camping trips during the summers, we tried out every ball game that exists, and he never got tired of us and our never-ending bickering."
Taehyung's heart ached even more now. He knew how this story would end, and so the sparkles he saw in the younger's eyes while he was talking about his father were a  painful reminder of how happy the younger must have been.
"Then one day, some years ago, he suddenly changed. His laugh changed, he got so quiet... He slowly lost his smile, didn't talk too loud in the beginning and then almost not at all in the end. Not only he himself changed, but also the way he acted towards us. He wasn't harsh or anything, at least not at first. It was rather indifference. He didn't seem to care what happened to us, if we were happy or sad, if we needed him or not. He shut down."
Jungkook paused, looking down to his hands that held the cup. They weren't fumbling anymore, instead he was squeezing the cup, his knuckles were slowly becoming white. He saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Jungkook looked up and realized that Taehyung had put his hands in the middle of the table. One couldn't say clearly that he was reaching for Jungkook, but that was probably the intention. After Taehyung had told him to stay away, this small gesture held so much meaning, even though he wasn't anywhere close to touching Jungkook's hands. This was already enough. The younger took a deep breath and relaxed.
"After some time the indifference disappeared as well and was replaced by pain. His face held a constant look of pain. You... One can't imagine what that looks like. We all knew he was feeling pain and hurt, and we didn't know why. He wouldn't tell. He didn't answer any questions regarding this matter. At first he didn't answer, then he just snapped at you when you asked. Finally, he started drinking. And this was the worst... "
Jungkook closed his eyes, gulped down saliva he didn't have because his mouth was already dry from talking.
He heard shuffling and opened his eyes again. Taehyung's hands were a little closer now, his eyes still calm and caring on the younger.
"Dad was never a bad drinker. He could hold his alcohol just fine, and if he really had a drink too much, he was funny. He made the worst jokes and laughed his ass off. He would hug everyone and tell them how great it was that they met. Mom would act annoyed, but she actually found his drunk self cute. She would giggle and slap his shoulder playfully which earned her smooches and hugs from dad. They were disgustingly sappy sometimes."
A small smile appeared on Jungkook's lips while he remembered the happy times. He was looking down into his cup as if he was seeing every scene he described in the dark liquid that was the now cold coffee.
Tae's heart was about to burst, he felt tears prickle at the back of his eyes.
"However, he never drank on weekdays. The drinking was reserved for get-togethers with friends and colleagues on the weekends.
That changed during this time. He started with occasional drinks during the week, to daily shots in the evening, to having a bottle of some sort of alcohol next to him most of the time. We tried to take the stuff away, every drop of alcohol disappeared from our house.
But he always got his hands on more. Mom tried to get him into a therapy, we knew this wasn't just a mood, it was something more serious. But he didn't want to. He stated he was fine, that we should leave him alone. After some time, as neither of us would back down, he got violent. Not much, but it was enough for all of us to realize that something was extremely wrong.
When I came back one day from university, I found my mother sitting in the living room, bawling her eyes out. My dad was nowhere to be seen. I sat down next to her and bombarded her with questions about what was wrong and what had happened. When she looked up, I saw that the right side of her face was red. The skin around her eye had already started to change color. She told me that dad had slapped her. That she had once again asked him to put the bottle down and talk to her about what was wrong. As always he hadn't wanted to, so she had grabbed the bottle while he was about to drink from it. He had pulled the bottle away from her hands, thrown it across the room and gotten up. He was so angry he had slapped her right then and there."
Taehyung's fingers brushed Jungkook's knuckles lightly, and the younger couldn't recall a moment where he had been happier about another person's presence. He hadn't talked about this in a long time, everyone around him had already known everything, so this was new. And he hadn't thought that it would be this hard. This was really only about him and his feelings.
"Mom said he had looked terrified right after slapping her. He had seemed to wake up out of a state of trance. He had quickly turned around and left the house. As he had grabbed his car keys, mom immediately called the police. They said they would make sure to look for him, but they didn't find him. He was gone. We thought he would return at night. He didn't, though. He never returned."
Taehyung's fingers halted from stroking Jungkook's softly. This was it. This was the hardest part, Taehyung knew that. Talking about the end of the story. Talking about what happened to his father. Because talking about it  gave it another depth of reality. And Jungkook had to make this step himself.
"Two days later the police came to our door. Dad had been in an accident. At least that's what they said. He had crashed his car into a tree. They said it might have been slippery and he had lost control over his car. But he wasn't drunk. And although he had become a mess, I'm sure he could still handle a little snow. We used to go skiing when I was a kid, dad knew how to drive in such weather."
Jungkook gestured towards the window. The snow was falling steadily once again, the snowflakes clearly visible because they where so big.
"What do you imply?" Tae asked quietly, after Jungkook seemed to drift away into his memories.
The younger put down his hand again and looked down at their now intertwined fingers.
"I don't think it was an accident, Tae. I think... No, I'm sure my father wanted to die. He didn't want to go on. He caused the crash. He commited suicide. And I... "
Jungkook took a deep breath.
"I need to know why. What had caused him to kill himself? And why here? We have and never had any connection to this part of the country. Why would he want to die here?"
Jungkook sobbed. He didn't know where this came from, he hadn't felt tears dwelling up. It was just as surprising for him as for Taehyung, who immediately squeezed Jungkook's hands.
Taehyung was devastated. If someone decides to die and commit suicide, something really bad must have broken them. He himself had thought about this several times. Especially shortly after the accident his will to live had been gone. But he was a coward and too afraid. Enduring the pain seemed somehow more convenient than having a lot of pain in one moment and then no pain at all anymore in the next. And ultimately, he had to atone for his guilt. So enduring the life with guilt was just that.
Taehyung returned to the man sitting in front of him, who right now looked more like a lost boy with tears rolling down his kissable checks than a grown up man who was brave enough to look for the reasons his father left, no matter how much that might hurt. Taehyung shook his head. He should really snap out of it. Distance. That's what he should do. So he leaned back and took away his hands from Jungkook's.
The younger looked up, a little confused and lost. Taehyung's heart ached to reach out again, but he restrained himself and continued the conversation.
"What was your father's job?"
"He had a dealership, sold cars and caravans there."
A thought in Taehyung's head had  popped up that Jungkook's father might have something to do with his accident six years ago, but that just didn't fit.
"And he never went to this area before?"
"Not that I know of. He didn't know anyone around here, had never been there. My family and I spent weeks trying to find out where the connection was to this area. My mom even thought he had an affair somewhere around here or someone used to live here that he loved dearly. But nothing. Up until this day we don't know why. Why he killed himself, why in this place, why he didn't say anything, why he changed... "
Jungkook breathed in and let go of his cup. The worst part was over. The past had been told, now he needed to focus on the present.
"That's why I also came up here. I want to find out why he died here. I took the route he must have taken, only the country roads, as he wasn't on any of the CCTVs of the highways. I went slowly, not rushing, looking at everything. I know a year has gone by, everything changes, but I thought maybe I will find something. But, of course, there's nothing... "
He gulped. It was so frustrating.
Taehyung was quiet, processing everything that he heard.
"I... I really don't know what to say to this," he started.
"I know how it feels to lose someone so important. But I also know that there's nothing that can help you cope with it. Also, I'm probably the last person who could give you encouraging words."
He grunted. He was a failure. He couldn't even encourage someone who was in despair.
Suddenly Jungkook's hands were on his.
"It's okay, Tae. You don't have to. I have probably heard all the encouraging words that this world has to offer. Just as you probably did, too. Right now it's enough and everything I need that you are you! Someone who didn't know the story before, who is a blank canvas that I can share my thoughts with, who doesn't judge and just listens."
Once again Taehyung felt warmth spread through his body. He already knew that, even after the short amount of time that they knew each other, he would forever connect any warm feeling to Jungkook. And then he realized that Jungkook was right. That he was a blank canvas to the younger. And just then he also realized that it was indeed the same for him. Jungkook was his blank canvas, his safe place to share thoughts and fears, without being judged. Maybe he was even his new beginning?
Right then and there, while looking at brown orbs that seemed to hold a whole galaxy, while feeling the warmth spreading through his body from where their hands touched, Taehyung felt something he hadn't felt in six years: hope.