Snowflakes & Fireweeds

13. Reflecting Lights

After Jungkook and Yeontan had left, Taehyung sat down and started an outline of the picture.
Usually, he just started the picture without a proper idea beforehand. But this time he felt that it was important that this picture would be perfect. It was supposed to be a picture of healing, of showing the people at the orphanage that even the worst catastrophe could be overcome and that beautiful things could come out of it.
And finally, it would be a picture that was based on Jungkook's idea, so it had to be perfect!
He had made about ten sketches before he decided on one. He put on some classical music that helped him calm down and concentrate, and started his work.
He hummed along to the melodies of Mozart while the pencil strokes came together to a nice picture.
When he was happy with the outlines, he started to mix the colors.
First he put on the light colors, a light blue for the sky and creamy whites for the walls of the building.
Then it was time to mix the colors for the gras and the flowers themselves. He had looked up some pictures to put together the perfect shade of magenta.
As he was mixing the color for the Fireweeds, he suddenly saw a flash of a fabric in this color. And then another one.
Jinah's prom dress. It had been this color. Her favorite summer dress had petals of this color on its top part. Her phone case was a deep magenta. It had been her favorite color.
How could he not have realized it before? He had even made fun of her once when she had painted her nails in this color. Jinah. His sweet sister. Who was dead. Because of this accident. Because... Of him.
Taehyung felt the familiar constricting of his heart. As if a hand was holding it, squeezing with all its force. Breathing became hard and he saw black spots appear in his sight. He felt the strengh leaving him and heard a distant thud as something fell to the floor.
He quickly slid from his stool before he could fall down and hurt himself. He crouched down, slinging his arms around his knees and ducking his head. He shut his eyes and let out a whimper.
It was his fault that his sister couldn't wear her favorite dress anymore, wasn't it? He was the reason that she couldn't enjoy her favorite color anymore, right? He heard a small voice, telling him that it wasn't his fault, sounding like Jungkook. But that couldn't be true, the younger was out with the dog. He couldn't help him. He had to pull himself out on his own. But then, where was the sense in it? It WAS his fault after all. He felt pain surge through his arms where he tightly squeezed them - either an attempt to pull himself out of the panic attack or to hurt himself, he wasn't sure. He tried to hold onto Jungkook's words, tried to stay calm and take deep breaths, but it was hard. So, so hard.

Jungkook had walked for some time now, he wasn't sure for how long as he didn't check the time. He just wanted to enjoy the scenery. The brunette had taken some nice pictures already, the snow-coated woods giving him the best themes.
After he walked some more, he realized that Yeontan wasn't next to him anymore. Jungkook looked around and spotted the Pomeranian several meters behind him, his tongue hanging out, exhausted from when he was jumping around the photographer's legs earlier.
He decided to check the time after all, maybe he had been out long enough.
Jungkook's eyes became big when he realized he had already been walking for an hour. So Yeontan was not only exhausted from jumping around, but also from being out here for so long. Jungkook quickly put the camera in his bag and walked over to the pup.
He didn't want him to freeze to death, so he picked him up and put him under his coat, just his head peaking out.
They made their way back to the house, this time much quicker than the way away from it, as the photographer didn't stop to take pictures anymore.
So about 20 minutes later they reached the house, Yeontan wiggling around under Jungkook's coat.
Jungkook unlocked the door and put him down onto the wooden floor. The dog made a beeline for the stairs, barking as he ran to the second floor.
The photographer didn't think much about it, the pup probably just being happy to see his owner again. He took his time taking of his coat and boots and put his camera in his room. Taehyung was probably still working, as he was nowhere in sight.
He heard Yeontan's paws clicking on the wooden floor upstairs, accompanied by some more barks. Jungkook thought about to make some hot chocolate for Taehyung, but the dog's constant noises made him pause.
Why hadn't Tae opened the door yet? Why didn't he let the dog in?
A sudden jolt of fear ran through Jungkook's body and he sprinted upstairs.
Yeontan was indeed still outside his owner's studio, now scratching at the door.
The photographer didn't even bother to knock and barreled straight into the room.
His heart stopped.
Taehyung was crouching on the floor, his arms pressed around his knees, his eyes closed and his face buried in the crook of his arms. He was taking deep breaths, indicated by the raising of his upper body.
Jungkook realized that Taehyung was fighting, trying to pull himself out before the panic attack really hit.
But the relief was short-lived as Taehyung let out a cry of pain.
Jungkook immediately crouched down next to him and put his arms around the blonde's body.
He heard Taehyung exhale a breath of relief and the older immediately turned to him and slung his arms around his waist.
Jungkook, being in a strange and uncomfortable crouching position, sat down on the floor and pulled Taehyung closer to his chest, so he was now half laying on the younger. He buried his face in the crook of Jungkook's neck and the younger heard him inhale deeply.
"I'm here, Tae. I'm with you. Everything will be alright."
He continued whispering soothing words until he felt him relax.
After some minutes of complete silence, Taehyung started speaking. His voice so weak and so faint that Jungkook almost missed it.
"I tried. I tried to pull myself out. I thought of you. I tried to remember what you said. That it wasn't my fault. That I couldn't do anything. I thought of your words. But it was hard. So, so hard. Kookie... It was so hard."
Jungkook felt him shake and a  wetness spread on his neck. Taehyung was crying.
The photographer held him tighter and started stroking his hair.
"Yes, it was hard. But you did so well, Tae. You fought against it, you held onto the truth. You did well, Tae. It was hard and it will continue to be hard, but I am here now. I will be with you. I will stay with you. If you want me to, I won't leave your side for even a second. We will get through this together."
He didn't get an answer, he just felt Taehyung scooting even closer, although this was impossible already, their bodies pressed against each other as if they were the only way they felt complete.