Anastasia

40

"People will quit on you. You gotta make sure that you don't quit on yourself."

"No. You can't meet up with her."

Zachary was slightly taken aback by Matt's sudden aggressive tone.

"What? Why not? I've been planning this for the past two weeks, and now you're telling me to ditch the plan?" Zachary found his voice rising in defense. Matt shook his head, his face crestfallen. This wasn't like Matt at all; something must have triggered him to act this way. The Matt he knew wouldn't tell him to throw away a long prepared plan like that.

"I'm sorry, Zach. You just can't do this." As much as he would love to celebrate with Zachary for finding somebody he likes, but he couldn't have her.

"Why?" Zachary snapped back at him. He's feeling frustrated and angry now. "I demand a reason."

Matt was gripping the bedsheets so tight that his knuckles were beginning to turn white. Should he tell him, after hiding the secret all this while?

"Would you date a girl who had lost her virginity?" Matt said, lifting his eyes to meet Zachary's. He watched as his friend's eyes widen to an unbelievably huge size, his mouth working, mouthing, but no sound came out. I'm sorry I lied. You just can't have her. I'm so sorry. Matt gazed at Zachary, disbelief written all over hi face. The shock was evident in his eyes. The sudden realization hit him - no wonder Ana doesn't share much about herself, because she would rather keep all those buried deep down in herself and never to dig it out.

"Matt. I don't date for sex. I date, because I want to get to understand her. Understand her light, and her dark. Even if she doesn't want to share, that's alright, because I can wait. If there is still time, I will wait for her to recover from the trauma. I'm not like that previous guy who dumped her after having what he wanted, no. I will still see her as a shattered piece of porcelain vase, with the golden lines that brought the broken pieces together. She is still Ana. No matter what had happened to her in the past, nothing will change my perception of her." his eyes shone with such will and courage, that Matt wanted to use his bare hands and rip his heart out of Zachary.

"She is mine." he growled.

"What do you mean?"

"I was the guy who dumped her." he blurted out, his breaths coming out short and shallow now. "Okay? So even if you want to have her, you can't, because she is mine."

"Matt, you don't understand. I don't want to have her. This isn't my choice to make, and neither is it yours." He snapped back harshly, his eyes glaring daggers at him. "It's who she wants to be with. You don't get to choose for her."

"Shut up! Just shut up, okay?" he yelled, his voice quivering. Matthew knew that he's being cornered, and he has nowhere to go. He can't fight back, because what he said was true. No matter how much he wanted Ana to be his, it's still ultimately her choice. If she doesn't want him, the relationship can only go downhill, turning sour, then bitter.

"I made a grave mistake for leaving her like that. I just want to have her back." he murmured, running his hand through his crazy hair. "You have no idea how long I've been searching for her." his eyes were so full of desperation and aching. After living for years in guilt and in desperate need to find her, the emotions he bottled up were spilling down his cheeks.

"I want to apologise to her." his voice trembled. "Just let me apologise to her, at least. She deserves someone much better."

"For fuck sake, Matthew! Stop saying that she deserves this and you want that! She gets to choose, not you, alright?" Zachary was starting to pull his hair in exasperation. Matt gawked at the brown haired boy, surprised. It's rare to hear Zachary curse, and when he does, it meant that he is either in huge trouble or that he is fuming.

"O-Okay."

Zachary sighed, rubbing his face. "I'll bring you with me."

Matt's face lit up.

"But only come to apologise. Then you leave." he stated firmly, his gaze unwavering. Matt nodded fervently, his eyes filled with gratitude.

"Thank you."

"I can't believe this is happening." Zachary said, getting up from the edge of the bed and grabbed his wallet and a cigarette stick from Matt's box, taking the lighter along with him as well.

"You don't smoke." he frowned as Zachary made his way towards the door.

"Time for a change." he replied emotionlessly, closing the door behind him.

Zachary doesn't know how to smoke, but he has seen how Matt does it when they were out. Lighting up the cigarette, he tried to imitate Matt, sucking the tobacco in and inhaled. The sting hit his throat and he coughed uncontrollably, the bitter taste lingering on his tongue. His throat felt like it was on fire. I guess I overdid it. He was letting out small coughs now, his throat still hurting a bit. He took a second, when he was interrupted by a feminine voice behind him.

"I didn't know you smoke." Ana came up to him, lazily standing on one leg. He must have looked pretty unprofessional at it, because Ana started chuckling when Zachary bite out a cough.

"First time, huh? I'll show you." she took the stick from him, and placed it in her mouth. And just like that, she inhaled it, blowing out a long puff of smoke into the cold night. "Ahh, warmth." she smiled, handing the stick back to Zachary, who took it back from her, dumbfounded. If he told her that this was Matt's, how would she react to that?

"I used to." she jerked her head to the burning cigarette, and flicked the ash at the tip of it. "You want to learn?"

"No thanks." his voice came out coarsely.

"What are you doing out here?" she asked him, taking a seat next to him on the metal bench. They were just at the perimeter of the campus, seated amongst the tall and uncut bushes.

"I could ask you the same."

"I was taking some sunset photographs." she held out her phone, and smiled. She shifted around until she found a comfortable position to be in and look at him at the same time. "You?"

"I uh...was...enjoying the cold. Yeah. Stuffy room, you know?" he gave a nervous laugh, and Ana raised an eyebrow. She clearly knew it was a lie, but she didn't press further. There's a reason why he didn't want to share, anyway.

"Alright, I'll be heading back now. See you." she started to get up when Zachary's hand shot out to grab her wrist.

"Ana, may I know something?" his voice was almost a whisper.

She turned around, looking back at him with a questioning look. The next sentence was like a bucket of ice cold water poured onto her, burning her skin.

"Do you know Matthew Orlin?"