Anastasia

49

"In life, there were many things I didn't regret doing, but I regretted the things I didn't do."

"If I knew...If someone had told me the plan...you know I would have done things differently right?" his deep voice rumbled, the words slightly muffled from his hands covering his face. Much to Ana's relief, Matthew did reply back, with an enormous hangover the next morning. It was a sluggish reply, though, and it didn't matter to Ana that much, because the fact that he did text her back was enough to have her racing down to meet him at their discussed venue.

They were sitting at a cafeteria, not far from the university. It was the first cafeteria that she went with Zachary, and even though choosing this place to meet Matthew did jog her memories back to the first time she met him, it was purely due to convenience sake; she didn't want to settle for a meeting place too far, in case something happens so she could be the first to take off sprinting back to the university.

"Are you going to continue to stay quiet and communicate with that cup of coffee silently?" he lifted his hands off his face, frowning at her.

Silence.

"Look, you arranged this meeting, and I agreed to give up some of my time to see you, so we might as well make the best of it."

Silence.

"Or you could just not talk to me...that would work." he sighed in frustration and leaned back on his seat, folding his arms and stared at Ana.

"Do you have any idea what you did yesterday?" she asked, still not looking at him.

"I can't recall."

She leaned in, placing one hand over the other on the table in a controlled manner. She was trying not to reach out to give him a tight slap on the face.

"Well, congratulations to you, you've just declared to the entire pub that I am a coward, a liar, and I'm not sure what to think of that. Perhaps I should thank you, for allowing me to prove my assumption to be true. Maybe because I should deserve this punishment for lying to you, and to Zachary. But I just can't bring myself to trust him, or anyone, even you." her voice shook, and when she finally looked up to meet his eyes, her eyes were glassy.

"But I'm also angry for what you did yesterday. Thanks to you, I'm now the limelight of the university. Well, I can only hope that it will fade away with time. There's nothing I can do now, except hide my face." she could see the rising regret and realization becoming evident on his face as her words dawned on him.

"What exactly did I say?" he pressed.

"Nothing that could get me killed. That's good enough." she joked.

He gave her a bleak stare.

"I'm here to listen to what you have to say, because I didn't give you a chance to explain yourself the last time." she said to the point. Maybe you should carve out some time to actually listen to my explanation that day. His voice echoed in her head. She shoved the thought away. "So please proceed with your explanation."

Matthew's mouth opened and closed like a goldfish, his eyes blinking owlishly. Then, he chuckled. "I don't really have much to say. Yes, I'm sorry for giving you that traumatic experience you shouldn't deserve. I was acting too recklessly and impulsively to think through what I was doing. You didn't totally disagree to it, though. On top of that, we were both drunk from that party that night."

But I didn't agree with you either, you son of a bitch.

"Why didn't you turn up the next day?"

"Because I was scared."

"Of?"

"That you didn't want me the moment we did it. That you'd just be done with me after you've had what you wanted, so I had to protect myself. On top of that, you have good relations with lots of girls in the school, and they are much more capable of anything, or everything I could possibly do for you. They have everything I have, except that they are on level 3000, while I'm on level 10. I thought that if I had just kept that V-card safe and untouched, I'd get to be with you until one day I lost it, then perhaps I could try to win your heart with something else. What the hell am I talking about." she pulled at her hair, clenching fistfuls of hair in her hands. He should be the one explaining himself, why is it me who's doing the explaining?

Because you're running away from your problems, so this is your time to face your fears. You've been running away for too long. The problem will keep catching you until you defeat it. The small voice nagged at the back of her head.

"Alright, we both made mistakes on that day. My recklessness killed me, and it had hurt you. Your wild assumptions had killed your mind, and it had gotten you into this state. But that doesn't stop me from loving you any less." she let out a small gasp of surprise. What did she just hear?

"No. You shouldn't. Stop." she held out a hand to stop him from elaborating any further. "Matthew, I understand that you're sorry, but I think this is the time when we should live our lives. To start a new chapter. I don't want to let the past get the better of us. I don't think this is the right time to get involved in any relationship or whatsoever, because I'm not ready for any of that yet. I wasn't even sure of our relationship. I don't know why I obliged to having it with you. I guess that's what alcohol could do to my mind. It fuzzes everything up - reality from fantasy. Ah, well. At least I got to do it with someone I loved." Past tense.

"What does that mean?" he asked, sounding edgy.

"What I mean is, I think we should take this time to reflect on ourselves. I dove headfirst into this relationship, unsupervised and inexperienced, thinking that I've got everything prepared for this. I was wrong. Dead wrong. There are so many things that I still need to learn.

"I've gotten over my past that has been burdening me every day, every night. I've spent so many nights thinking about you, about what I should have done that was right. Yes, I shouldn't have ran away from my problems, I shouldn't have assumed. This relationship has taught me many things, and I'm grateful that you're a part of my life. But I'm still trying to understand myself, and that requires time. I don't regret the relationship we have, don't get me wrong. I treasured everything I had with you, even if it was for a brief amount of time. I think, if we had given ourselves more time, perhaps things wouldn't have turned out the way it is now." She was fighting back tears that threatened to spill out from her eyes, because the face she was looking at was full of hurt; a hurt so, so deeply carved on his face that she wanted to go over and hug him, to be in the familiarity of his arms again.

"We both deserve to be loved, but I don't think the love we shared was real. We will be ready to have real love - one that would be ready for us too, one day. The type of love that, for once, we could be proud of and sure about, instead of embarrassed confused about. A love that we could trust in. A love that we could bask in."

"But I love you. Is that not enough for you?"

She shook her head, giving him a sad smile. "It takes more than just love to love someone. Don't do this to yourself."

"I-I don't understand. We both love each other, why won't you agree to get back together?"

I didn't say I love you. I said I loved you. "Don't you want to explore the world for a better flower? Or to at least give yourself some time to understand yourself?"

"You're the only flower my garden."

She shook her head again. Bullshit.

"Remember our rule, when we were together?" she asked.

"Respect each other." he said, lowering his eyes to the table in realization.

She nodded.

"Can we...can we still be friends?"

She just smiled.

He let out a long breath. Then, he stretched out his hand, waiting for hers.

"All the best. For whatever happens."

"For whatever happens." she agreed, taking his hand in hers and shaking it.