Anastasia

43

"if only i could do something."

Ana hugged the books close to her chest, a big smile plastered on her face, showing two white rows of teeth. She skipped out of the bookstore behind Zachary, who pushed the door open for her to exit first. She placed the books into the basket, then went to the backseat, sitting down to rest her legs. She had been standing all day in the bookstore, looking at this book, looking at that book, walking from aisle to aisle, browsing, flipping, reading, till her legs nearly gave themselves away.

"Are you sure those are the only ones you want to get?" Zachary rolled up the chain and wedge it between the books and her bag. Ana shook her head, a tired smile tracing her lips.

"I'll come back here again someday to get more. Thank you for paying for the books." she tucked a stray hair behind her ear, gratefulness evident in her gray eyes.

"Take them as your birthday gift." he shrugged casually. He pressed his foot on the peddle, putting his weight onto the peddle to push the bicycle wheels into motion.

"Where to next?" she asked over the wind.

"We're going to buy you a birthday cake." he turned back to face her, grinning.

"I'll pay this time." she quickly added. Zachary lifted a finger, wagging it side to side, signalling a no no to her. She was about to say something to convince him to let her pay but he cut her off by making a slicing gesture with his hand, signalling to her that she can pay half. She smiled. Since just now, she has been clutching the sides of the backseat, because she was nervous to hold onto him. She took a deep breath. Think about hugging a bolster. She gingerly circled her arms around his narrow waist, intertwining her fingers to lock herself to him. Zachary jumped at her touch, then slowly relaxed. She could feel the toned and defined abs under the thin fabric, which made her cheeks burn. She pressed her right cheek onto his back, unable to hide her smile now. She stared at the sun set below the skyscrapers in the far distance, looking out into the sea, whose surface danced with reflected stars.

She could hear his heartbeat, slow and loud; then faster. She wonder what he was thinking.

"Hey Zach?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I try riding the bicycle?"

"You don't have as much strength as I do."

"Watch me." she spoke in rebellion, as Zachary slowed to a stop. They swapped places and she put her foot on the pedal, gritting her teeth and pressed all her weight onto the pedal. It inched forward, and Zachary snickered. "This should be a warning to start losing weight."

Ana whirled to stare at Zachary. "No, you will not. You are already as skinny as a lamp post. Any thinner and I won't be able to see you any longer."

"I'm just joking, Anastasia." he chuckled and got off the bicycle, allowing Ana to cycle on her own. She pedalled at a slow pace, wobbling occasionally as she kept in pace with Zachary. He looked straight ahead, sometimes looking out into the sea, sometimes on the floor.

"What are you thinking about?" she probed.

"Nothing major."

"Is it about Matthew?"

She knew she has hit jackpot when he didn't reply her. Sighing internally, she looked out for a bench to stop and it wasn't long before she spotted one. Eagerly speeding up to the bench, she braked and got off the bicycle, pushing out the leg stand. Zachary made his way to her, sitting down with a grunt. He let out a loud sight through his nose, closing his eyes tiredly. She looked at him, a mix of emotions written on her face. What was he so tired about? The cycling? Or was it about the whole situation just now? Perhaps it was his emotions? Maybe I should tell him about my past with Matthew.

Zachary seemed to read her mind. "You want to share?"

It was her turn to become silent. After a long moment, she finally nodded.

"What do you want to know about?"

"Did you and him really had...uh..." he cleared his throat and waved his hands about in an awkward motion.

"Yes." she said lowly, her voice filled with regret, disgust and a sadness so profound that Zachary had the urge to pull her into a hug, to hug away all the deepest regrets she has been bottling up for so long.

"What happened then?"

She shrugged. "He said that his family was going to move to another state. I found him three days later, with another girl, making out so passionately at the end of a alley. I don't know why he did such a thing, but ever since we - I had my first with him, he started to act strangely; he started to delay replying to my messages, not picking my calls, as if he forgot I was there in the first place. Perhaps something had happened in his family at that time, which made him so distracted, but I can't be sure." she suddenly gasped. "What if someone paid him to do this to me? To ruin my reputation in school?"

"Whoever did that deserves to go to hell. No, hell would be too lenient. I'd torture him slowly to his death, then he can go to hell."

"Come on, seriously? I was just guessing. You don't have to be so violent."

"I will become violent if it means to protect you. I will not let anything happen to you."

Heard that before. She thought warily. He saw the dubious look on her face and his face hardened like stone. "I am not like him. I promise." he assured. She could only shrug her shoulders at his reply; there is no knowing it unless he could prove it to her that he isn't like Matthew.

"I just don't understand. We were together for three years, what - why would he do that? Was I not enough for him?"

"People change. That's the hard and ugly truth."

"Does that mean you will change too?" she asked innocently. "If you do, what you said just now will not be valid."

"That part of me will not change for you." he replied firmly.

Don't let down your walls yet. Don't. You do not know if he is a wolf under sheep's clothing. Tread carefully. She warned herself. She nodded again - she went with the flow, but she is not agreeing.

"So he is with another girl now, correct?"

"Sort of. They're like friends for benefits." he grimaced at the label.

"Just so you know, he was devastated when he lost contact with you. He told me he was trying to get to you, but your family wouldn't even let him," he added. Thanks mom. She smiled inwardly with gratefulness, but her face took on a blank look.

"Why would he try to contact me when all those times when I've tried to talk to him, he isn't replying?" she raised the question, silencing Zachary's further attempts to defend his roommate. The unanswered question floated above them like a cloud, none of them knowing the answer to it.

"He's weird. So weird." she spoke, shaking her head. "Is that all you want to know?"

Zachary nodded his head, and answered, "I won't tell him. It's just between us. Don't worry, I won't ask him about it either." She gave him a challenging look. "I promise." he added.

"Why did you ask me instead of him?"

"Simple; I don't trust him as much as I trust you, even if my time spent with Matt has been longer than with you. I don't know why."

Ana looked at him in surprise, then she smiled. "Thanks."

"Let's go get your cake. Then we can get dinner."

"You're cooking?"

His lips tugged upwards.

"We're cooking."

At that moment, the shine in her eyes brightened, but the feeling of regret in Zachary's heart just became much stronger.

That was his second lie to her.