Anastasia

47

"Stop pouring an ocean for someone who only wants a sip."

Astrid tossed in a bunch of spinach, the water making sizzling sounds on the hot frying pan. Clouds of steam blew into her face, and she waved them away, focusing on cooking her dish. Tonight would just be a simple meal - egg fried rice with spinach on the side. Living with her grandparents have given her many advantages useful to her future. Not only she can cook a variety of cultural dishes, but she also learned martial arts from her grandpa, and sewing from her grandma. She found her talent was in linguistics, so she could move to any country she liked and easily blend in with the people.

Thinking back to her childhood days, she felt a sudden surge of nostalgia bubbling forth, and only when she felt drops of water dripping onto her arm did she realize she was crying. She missed her grandparents too much. For a second she wanted to just drop everything and fly back to her hometown, but she knew they'd either be dead already or they'd resent her for running away from home. She could still remember the last conversation she had with her grandpa before she stormed up to her bedroom and packed her things to get as far as possible from the small town she lived in.

It was an ugly ending.

Astrid dished out the vegetables onto a ceramic plate, carrying it to the counter. Initially, she didn't want to have dinner, but she also didn't want to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night starving. It happens sometimes, and being a huge lackadaisical, she just downed a large cup of water before going back to bed.

Fatigue was catching up quickly as she hoisted herself onto a tall stool, staring dully at the food she prepared. Her face could just collapse on the food any moment. Yawning, she forced herself to eat, chewing slowly to let the flavours in the food to spread over her mouth. Hopefully the sweetness and saltiness of the food would perk her up.

She dialled Ana whilst eating, her energy level recharged from the food.

"Hello?"

"Astrid here."

"Oh, hey! Thanks for remembering."

"Ha ha." she let out a tired laugh.

"So...have you found a place to stay?"

"Yeah, pretty fast huh? I've just finished sorting the furniture out in the apartment, and I'm going for job searching tomorrow."

"Good luck finding some."

"Thanks."

As the silence came, she took the opportunity to stuff in as much food as possible. Calls like this would last long, and she hated cold food.

"Don't mind me eating." she chewed the words out.

"It's all good."

"So, how's things for you?"

"About that...I'd like to ask something, about Zach."

"Mhm." It was a light reply, but at the mention of his name, memories came flooding back - bad ones. She shoved them aside. This isn't the right time to think about it.

"Could you tell me more about him?" Ana asked curiously. Did something happen between them that made Ana want to ask her this question? It must have. She wouldn't ask this at such a weird timing.

"What do you want to know about him?"

"Everything."

Astrid sucked in a breath. That was a sharp comment. Something did happen then.

"Alright. Let's start with the basics. He has a major obsession with cleanliness, he can be funny sometimes, but when he is not in the right mood, he can flip tables like it's normal. Things can get chaotic once that happens. Maybe it just happens to me, I don't know. But I'd be careful not to anger him. He likes coffee, spaghetti, pastries, cycling to far and weird places. He hates silence, but he doesn't mind being alone, only if there is noise. What else...he can be secretive. Quite secretive."

"How so?"

"He doesn't tell you what he is thinking, well, to be specific, he doesn't tell you the whole picture of the thoughts his mind is processing. Zachary also doesn't like being asked too much; I guess none of us does. He enjoys his freedom a lot, so he frequently heads out into the world exploring without telling you beforehand. He is good at keeping secrets, that's for sure. However he doesn't like revealing his. Yeah. That's all that I've observed during my time with him."

"Is he manipulative?"

"That is a subjective question. Sometimes we can manipulate someone without even realising what we are actually doing."

She kept quiet, waiting for her answer.

Astrid sighed. "Sometimes. I didn't realise it myself until at some point of time I just 'woke up'." She paused. The question burned in her throat.

"Does he lie?"

"People always lie, darling. May I ask why are you asking all these?" There. She spat the fireball out from her throat.

She could tell that Ana was hesitating, because she could hear the hitch in her breath on the other side of the line.

"Do you know Matthew Orlin?"

"Yes."

"Well, he's my ex."

"So?"

"His roommate is Zachary."

"So?"

"I don't know what kind of information Zachary might have fed Matthew, because Matthew just texted me and said that I'm a huge liar and shit."

"I assume he got your number from his phone secretly." she said, more to herself. "What exactly happened?"

Ana then proceeded to fill her in with the details, from the day she met him on her birthday, to the recent message she received from him.

"I see."

"Do you think I should ask him if he told Matthew something?"

"No. You find out for yourself. Matthew can't be trusted now, and neither is Zachary. I'm sure there is some other way for you to find out. You're smart enough."

"Uh, advice?"

"You have a pair of eyes and a mouth for a reason, my dear Anastasia." She could imagine Ana rolling her eyes at her, and smiled.

"Sigh...I'm sorry to drag you into this."

"Why? I'd be glad to kick some ass for you. Just call me."

"Thank you, really. I'll update you if there's anything. I didn't want to tell Danielle, although we're pretty close, because I have a feeling that she's hiding something from me, and she's also in the same course as they are."

"TMI, but alright. I understand."

"Bye."

"Bye." she hung up the phone, dreading the phone bill she has to pay at the end of the month. Shaking her head, she cleared away the dishes in the sink, then went to her room to set up her computer. She made a note of the things she should do tomorrow, and then went on into Netflix to enjoy her usual catch up on her shows.

Leaning back against her chair, she wondered if things would ever get better. Since middle school, she's been bullied, for her height, her abnormally normal looks - she could fit into any country and people wouldn't even realise she wasn't a local. She was used to being called a 'plain paper'. She didn't mind that label, as she knew one day it would fade with time. What's more traumatizing was the fights she got herself into - standing up for people, doing the right thing, the wrong thing, speaking up for herself, all these ended up in fights and fights only. It was mentally exhausting. She didn't how to feel loved, because her grandparents only trained her to be a skillful asset, a survivor out in the wild; a lone wolf. They didn't teach her how to appreciate the things she had. She wasn't taught how to love. Which is sad, because she has now become someone almost void of emotions. Just a bag of skin, bones, muscle, and an empty, hollow heart. Yet, if these things have made her alive till today, why not keep up with it? It's better to prioritise matter before emotions; to think with the mind, not the heart.

Perhaps that was why she had gotten herself into so many fights with Zachary, merely because she wasn't thinking for others; she didn't have enough empathy.

She shut down her laptop, not in the mood to watch any further. She crawled into bed, allowing the exhaustion to blanket over her. There's still so much to learn. She thought, before sinking into deep slumber.