Back Here Again

I Remember

I remember laying awake
Waiting for the air conditioning
For when it flicked on
The sound was loud and soft
I could then drift to sleep
I've never cared for silence

I remember coming back
Sitting outside for lunch
And no one came to join me
I had lost my shine
But I knew where they all were
I thought they were better off without me

I remember the office room
Then the game room
They housed me for a while
But they were never mine
They were never home
I still wonder if they cared

I remember finding books
My first escape
Brought me to other, faraway worlds
I didn't have to be where I was
I read a lot then
I still love reading now

I remember favorites
I could never have one
It felt so harmful inside
But I knew you had one
That hurt just as much
I wasn't the favorite

I remember hiding my thoughts
They couldn't know
What I was thinking
They didn't need more stress
I could bare it on my own
I did just that

I remember my radio
A gateway to music
True music that filled my veins
It became my heartbeat, my life
I'm so grateful for that radio
I still have it

I remember the cat
She was soft
She liked to sit with me
I love cats
She's gone now
I knew not for two weeks after

I remember accidentally saying
That I sometimes wished
I had never been born
They told my parents
I was told not to think that
I was playing with marbles

I remember a dog
A little one that ran up and bit me
My dad said I need to stand firm
I couldn't do it then
I don't know if I could do it now
I love dogs as well

I remember the therapists
Both of them, not their names
I remember games and playing
And talking
I don't entirely know why I went
I mean some not all

I remember fighting
Not the physical kind
But the shouting
The wounding
I tried to ignore it
I still can't handle it

I remember the almost divorce
I remember they fought
It was something I had done
They packed and left
What to do with his room
I know we called them back

I remember the real divorce
The new house of just us
The it's just a break
I cried and begged
It still happened
I came back to another split home

I remember the library
A true home in a place
That never seemed to care
For anyone
It was safe and it loved me
I loved it too

I remember finding out
There was a term for how I felt inside
Genderqueer
I did a lot of research
I wanted to be sure
I was

I remember coming out
The plan, the anxiety build up
Came close to not
Mom's words, it's okay and I love you
Dad's words, you've been watching too much youtube
I am both thankful and hurt

I remember poetry
I could express what I thought
It wasn't pretty, yet I still liked it
I invited people to see
They never came
I thought a lot about friends then

I remember snapping
I'm not proud of it
I'm still so angry
At myself now
For acting so irrationally
I wish I could take it back

I remember feeling outcast
I didn't belong anywhere
There was no one to associate with
No one to relate to
Everyone else seemed to fit
I felt very alone

I remember writing
I always started
Some passion project
That was fun at first but went nowhere
It's always nice to read over them
I wish I could finish them

I remember red lights
They curled around my bed
I could read by their shine
I drifted into their warm glow
Never on in the morning though
I never made friends with darkness

I remember all these things
They all add up
They pass through my mind
Now and again
None of its particularly bad
I don't think so anyways