COMPLETED (UNDER REVISION)
They say everybody needs a second chance. No matter how mean you are.
Though for some people, they find that second chance a little late.
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The black sheep of the Montez family. That's what they called Ale...
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Pagmulat ng mata ko ay puting kisame ang una kong nakita.
I know where am I kahit hindi ko na tangkain na lumingon. Well I didn't expect myself to die in my situation earlier, but I didn't also expect that someone would bring me to the hospital.
Pinilit kong bumangon at muntik na kong atakihin nang tumambad sa'kin ang mukha ng doktor ko. I rolled my eyes nang makalma ko ang sarili ko.
Now that I look at it, nasa ER pala ko. There's a lot of people around me experiencing something more serious and I start to feel bad taking up this one bed na pwede pa sanang gamitin ng ibang pasyente na wala nang mahigaan.
"Well, you look like you have enough energy to stand." Panimula niya. "Let's have a talk in my office." Hindi na niya inantay ang sagot ko at nauna sa'kin na naglakad.
Tch, hindi man lang tulungan 'yung pasyente niya na tumayo. Gusto ko siyang sigawan na walang manners pero hindi ko na ginawa sa dami ng tao kaya tumayo na lang ako at sumunod sa kaniya.
Pagkapasok sa office niya ay isinara ko ang pinto at umupo.
"Okay, so tell me exactly what happened?" He asks, probably pertaining to the reason why I'm brought here. "Sinasabi ng isang nakakita sa'yo, you fainted when he started knocking at your window. What symptoms did you felt that time?" Dagdag niya.
I searched at the back of my mind to remember what I felt that time. "Stabbing..." I mouthed. "I started breathing heavily but it felt like something is stabbing me." Panimula ko and he started typing my statement. "Since when did you started feeling that?" Tanong niya.
"This is the first time." Sagot ko.
"The fact that your tumor has spread to the lungs, this is something that we can expect, though we need a proper diagnosis. I'll have you undergo a few test after this." Paliwanag niya pagkatapos ng ilang minutong pagkalikot sa computer niya.
Hindi ako kumibo at nilaro lang ang mga daliri ko. My mind is blank. I can't think or even feel anything. Or maybe I'm too tired to think and feel?
"I'm supposed to tell you this tomorrow, but might as well discuss it now." He said, probably pertaining to the text I received this morning. "We have to start your treatment." Hearing the word treatment made me lift my blank eyes and stared at him.
Treatment.
Treatment, he says.
"Gagaling ba ko kapag ginawa ko 'yung mga treatment na sinasabi mo?" I ask him in a dead tone.
He stayed silent. I expected that.
"I won't do it." Sabi ko.
"Ms. Montez," tawag niya sa'kin. It looked like he wants to say something but hesistated.
"Whether I do it or not, I'd still die anyway, so why waste my time?" I ask again. Besides, the sooner I disappear, the better. It'll be one less problem for everyone.
I heard him sigh from my statement. "Alam mo bang masyado kang depressing ngayon?" He asks. "I clearly remember you saying you'll be willing to give me all your money to save you. But what's this?" He says sarcastically.
I cleared my throat. "Well, the situation has changed. I just accepted the fact na wala na akong magagawa." Sagot ko. "Kaya hindi ko gagawin ang treatment. Be it Chemo or Radiation or whatever, I won't do it. So just prescribe me some meds." Tumayo ako at isinukbit ang bag ko. "Make it strong. 'Yung tipong makakalimutan ko pati ang sakit ko."
He stared at me like he was looking at some mad woman. I also think that I'm losing my mind. Most people would take any treatment that are possible even though they know that it won't cure them, para lang humaba ang buhay nila, but I'm throwing it all away.
"Fine." He finally says at nagsimula siyang kumuha ng ballpen at papel. "But this doesn't mean I'm giving up on the treatment." He says while writing. "I don't know your situation and I'm not planning to. But I know you're just saying that because of whatever your situation is. So go back here kapag nag-iisip na ng maayos ang utak mo." He reaches out his hand, holding the prescription. I'm pretty sure he just told me I'm not in the right mind but I just brushed it off. I'm too tired to get annoyed, and he's just telling the truth, so I reached out for the prescription without making a fuss and left his office.
Naalala kong sinabi niya na may test pang gagawin sa'kin, pero dumeretso pa rin akong umuwi pagkabili ng mga gamot ko.
Pagkauwi ay dumeretso ako sa kwarto at nahiga habang nakatitig sa kisame.
I started imagining staring at the night sky. My ceiling gets transparent and now all I can see are the stars.
"Nakahiga ka na naman d'yan sa semento? Magkakapulmonya ka sa ginagawa mo." Naalala ko ang madalas sabihin sa'kin ni kuya Amzi kapag nahuhuli niya ko sa rooftop ng bahay pag gabi, nakapatay lahat ng garden lights, nakahiga sa semento para tumingin sa langit, hanapin ang mga bituin ng alas-onse ng gabi. I would often ignore him and just continue stargazing until he drags me to sit up, then I'll start getting annoyed and we'll end up fighting, but he never hurts me physically kahit na bugbog na siya sa'kin.
"I swear, Aleeza, kapag may nangyaring masama kay papa." That was the first time I saw fury in his eyes, directed at me. Kahit ga'no ako kapasaway, even though I annoy him too much, he never got too angry, and forgives me before the day ends, until that day. He was too angry, I wasn't forgiven at least, by him. Hindi niya pinigilan si mama nang palayasin niya ko, he didn't even stopped me, or at least just see me off. I looked around the house bago ako tuluyang makaalis but none of them were around the window.
That's when it really hit me that I crossed the line. But there were no more room for apology. Kahit ga'no pa katindi ang pagsisisi ko.
