Every time.

What we could've been

Kara's pov

"Hey...I called J'onn to tell him that you'd be taking the day off today" Alex says while entering my room with a plate of pasta.

"You didn't have to do that, I'm perfectly capable of going to work today!" I stay while getting up to leave the room, ignoring her and the plate of food she was trying to hand me.

"Kara-"

"Alex, I'm fine!..I-I'm fine!" I say a bit too harshly, all though Alex doesn't seemed to phased by my sudden outburst.

"You of all people should know that I'm not falling for that!" Alex says while taking a step closer to me. "I know your hurt beyond understanding, but just let me be here for you...please" Alex says while dropping her voice into whisper so low that it would have been nearly impossible to hear if you didn't have super-hearing.

"...ok" I say sighing sadly, in defeat.

"Thank you, now come here" she says while opening her arms for an inviting embrace, which I gladly accept. "How-how are holding up?..."

"I've been better...I-I don't think I'm ever gonna get over this....I never expected to fall in love with anyone, let alone him...but it turns out that falling in love with him was the most extraordinary thing I've ever done...I've never felt more happier, more loved...or more me...than when I was with him. I-I could even hug him without having to worry about breaking him..." I say before my voice quickly trails offs with a sad sigh.

"I-I remember coming home from work one day, and I was so distressed and exhausted from dealing with Snapper all day, and I guess Mon-el could've sensed my frustration, because before I even manage to set my bag down, I was already wrapped in his arms, and I instantly remember breaking down into a sob, not because of the shitty day I was having but, because, I-I could feel it, I could actually feel his arms wrapped around me in a way that made me feel loved, protected and-and normal, I haven't felt like that since before Krypton exploded, I-I don't think I've ever felt more at home than the times the I was in his arms..." I smile sadly recalling the moment that seemed to have happened years ago.

"I'm-..." Alex try's to say something while wiping away the now present tears falling down her face.

"You don't have to say anything...I'm just glad you were willing to listen" I say while giving her a small smile and wiping away my own tears.

"I'm always gonna be willing to listen, you just have to be willing to talk....you might be feeling lonely right now, but you Kara Danvers are not alone"

"I know" I say while wrapping my hands around her to give her another hug, I might not be able to feel it that well, but I'll always take what I can get.

  *****

"So....what are you on planning with the ring?" Alex asks me nervously as she instantly regrets the asking.

"I'm gonna put it back in the drawer " I say while putting my plate of pasta in the sink. 

"What?!...Why?" Alex ask questioning me rapid decision.

"Do you just expect me to wear it around all day?!...because I can't do that without remembering that he never actually got the chance to ask me to marry him, and he probably never will!, because he's gone, Alex...he's gone!, and we can't do anything to bring him back!" I say releasing some pent up anger that I didn't even know I was holding on to.

"I'm-I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to push you" Alex says looking down at the floor.

"No...I'm the one that should be saying sorry" I say, as I bring my tone down to a whisper "I shouldn't have reacted like that, it was wrong of me, I'm sorry" I say realizing that I made a mistake yelling at her like that, she's been so helpful and understanding, and she deserves the same compassion she showed me. "I just-I just miss him" I say before moving to sit down on the couch.

"Yeah, you're not the only one, Winn's become a lot less chatty, and...I walked in on J'onn standing in Mon-el's old dorm room the other day, he was-he was just standing there crying...sobbing...and out of all the years that I've spent working at the DEO I've only seen him cry once, and seeing him that vulnerable again it just-...it was just hard to watch" Alex says before sitting down on the couch next to me. "Now I might not been as close to Mon-el as you were, but I cared about him...a lot, he wasn't just a friend he-he was family, and ever since he left, this "house" feels a lot less like home" she says while fidgeting with her fingers.

"...I've been so wrapped up in my own feelings that I didn't even began to comprehend that you guys were hurting too...I'm-I'm sorry " I say right before I reach for Alex's her hand.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, this entire situation impacted you the most...so we all understood why reacted the way you did" Alex says, making me feel a bit better.

"But that doesn't mean I couldn't have been a little more open minded" I say, still feeling bad for being so self centered.

"You're not selfless for doing so" Alex say as though she was reading my mind. "In fact, in a way it just makes you a bit more human" she says softly, before giving me a reassuring smile.

*****

"I have to head back to the DEO, you should get some sleep" Alex implies before moving to get off the couch. "I'll swing by tomorrow morning, okay?" She says while grabbing her keys off the counter.

"Okay" I mumble softly, I wasn't ready for Alex to leave yet, because if she left...I'd be left alone in this quiet, lifeless apartment again.

"Kara"

"Hmm?"

"I love you"

"You too" I can't help but let out a small smile as the words leave my mouth. Although that smile quickly fades when I realize that I'll be spending the night alone...as I usually do these days.

*****

The first thing I notice while walking into my room is engagement ring box sitting on top of my bed. I still can't process the fact that he was actually gonna propose!, we've only ever talked about possibly getting a dog together someday, getting married was never really a topic of discussion, I guess that was because we've only ever dated for five months (although I have to admit those were the best months of my life) , but a part of me (a rather large part actually) always knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him...I just hope he knew that...and I also hope he knows...I would've said yes.

  As I open up Mon-els drawer to put the box back in, I can't help but feel... like I'm locking away a piece of him...a piece of us, or more yet...what we could've been.