Time And I

Fourteen

After the batting range, it seemed like mine and Buddy's relationship took a step back. Instead of driving to school with him, I walked. I ditched him at lunch to practice my drumming (at least he had his friends). I never told him I loved him back. I was avoiding all confrontation.

Buddy could tell there was something wrong with me. I just refused to answer any of his questions. I ignored him for the most part, because I was too much of a coward to actually tell him what I was thinking. I needed to tell him the truth. Let him know I knew he had feelings for me and that I couldn't reciprocate them so we could move forward with a new friendship between us. One where we weren't as touchy feely as before.

I was going to miss it. I enjoyed being able to cuddle with him because I liked to be held. He never made me feel uncomfortable when he did; it was just the way our friendship worked. And he was my best friend. I didn't want to lose him and what he had, but things had to change in order to prevent him from liking me even more so we could remain friends.

It was difficult just because of how close we were. It was why his followers hated me. I was close to him, his best friend, but we acted like more, despite how nothing would ever happen between us. The only reason I didn't want to tell him I knew was because I knew we would have to stop doing those sorts of things, and I didn't want to. But then that would mean I was leading him on, and that wasn't right. I didn't want to lead him on, so I was going to have to tell him.

Hugging was allowed between friends. It was normal, so long as both parties were cool with it. And we were. Cuddling was going to stop. Same with kissing on the cheek. Both were affectionate in their own ways, and even though we were cool with it, it would continue to lead him on, so it needed to end. And I would tell him I loved him again, but not until I knew he was over me. I didn't want to trigger his feelings.

If I was going to do any of those things again, I was going to have to find a boyfriend to do them with. Buddy was a good sort of substitute in its own way, but only because I assumed it was platonic. There was always a difference between platonic and romantic. So, I'd have to find a boyfriend, but I wasn't looking for one. I could have tried to find a friend with benefits, but the only person who would do that was Darcy, and we didn't have that sort of relationship. Plus, I didn't want that with her.

I didn't have the time to worry about relationships, though, because I wanted to be part of a band first. With all the rehearsals, band meetings, business lunches and dinners, and the concerts itself, I would have a full schedule. Add school in for the rest of the year (only if I found one this year), and I wouldn't have the time. If there was someone I wanted to be with, it would be better to wait until I was in a band. That way, I could figure out whether it'd work. There was no use in being in a relationship when I didn't have time. And I intended to be in a band, so I would not be with someone while I waited for my chance. Getting rid of the boyfriend all together ensured that more of my time would be spent focusing on my drumming and looking for a band.

But each time I pictured the said boyfriend I didn't plan to have, Devon's face came to mind. Was that what it meant to be in the starting stages of a crush? If it was a crush, it was no big deal. Crushes were called crushes became you could easily destroy them and whatever feelings you thought you had. It's when you like someone that you have to be worried, because that's when actual feelings get involved.

That's what I reminded myself as I stepped up Devon's front porch and shouted, "Ding-dong!" We were nothing more than friends. Whatever this crush was would go away.

Devon opened the door and smiled as I stepped inside.

"Thanks again for this. I just know I'm going to fail this test."