Time And I

Sixteen

There. I said it. I told him what needed to be said, and it felt like a weight was instantly taken off my shoulders. I felt so much better. I wanted to smile, but I hid it. This wasn't supposed to be a "happy" moment. I was breaking my best friend's heart. That didn't give me the right to smile.

Facing him, he stared back at me in shock. His jaw dropped, moving softly with nothing coming out. Was he going to deny it? Was he going to agree and say that he was in love with me? Was he hoping I would say it back? Expecting me to? I didn't know what I was supposed to expect.

Buddy turned his head to stare out the windshield, still silent. Since I sprang it on him, I gave him a moment to collect his thoughts, figure out what angle he was going to use to either defend himself or leave himself vulnerable. I was hoping he would be honest and tell me the truth. Knowing Buddy, he'd always been that type of person. But for once, I was afraid he wouldn't. That little confession was the start of a new friendship between us. It could start with a lie.

With a firm nod, he faced me again. "Yes. I do like you."

I expected him to say something else, but I was glad he wasn't denying it.

"How long?"

"Since eighth grade, honestly. It was a small crush back then, and I thought I would get over it. And for a while I did. But sophomore year... I don't know," he chuckled, leaning his cheek in his hand against the steering wheel. "We were goofing off in the library, and I looked at you. All I could think about was how beautiful you are. I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful you are. It was like I pulled a lever, and I can never pull it back up. It's not like I wanted to, though."

His eyes locked on mine. "I thought about how I wanted to date you. How each time I kissed your cheek, I wanted it to be your lips instead. How each time we hugged, I never wanted to let go. How each time I told you I loved you I wanted to repeat it and confess." His eyes fell to the counsel between us. He asked, "How long have you known?"

"Around the Golden Crows concert. I assumed you figured it was a date."

"It wasn't," he stated, shutting that thought down. "I never thought of it like a date. I've never thought of any of the times we've gone out as dates. I know where I stand, Mel. I know you don't like me back. It's why I never told you."

"Is that why your fans hate me so much?" I asked. "Because they know you like me, but I don't like you back? How they'd kill to be in my shoes?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it. Guess not."

Things were silent for a few minutes. I didn't know what I was supposed to say next that wouldn't potentially be overstepping it. But I was curious about what he was thinking and what he was going to say about me knowing it. The longer the silence lasted, the more anxious I was. I needed him to say something, and while I could have said something, I knew the first words out of my mouth would be 'I don't like you back.' He already knew it. I didn't need to repeat it unless he asked.

"Are you wanting me to apologize for liking you?"

"No," I softly stated. "Am I supposed to apologize for not liking you back?"

"No," he assured. He reached out as though he wanted to take my hand, but he restrained himself, holding back before he did. "Do we act like this never happened?"

"We can't. I'm sorry, Buddy, but if we continue to act like we do, it'll just be like adding wood to the fire. We need to stop the hugging and the kissing and the cuddling. At least the way we have been."

He nodded, staring out the windshield again. "I agree."

Was I supposed to tell him I would always love him like a friend and that he would always mean the world to me? Because while it was true, I didn't think it was the right thing to say at that moment.