Time And I

Forty-One

Devon slept with his leg crossing my waist all night and his face in my neck. I rested my forehead against his, enjoying the comfort. But as I woke up, the same shame from last night returned. Why was I ashamed of myself? Of what I did? I liked it. I wanted to do that with him. It wasn't like I had sex with him before I was ready. I was just getting pleasure from another person in another way. There was nothing to be ashamed of, yet that was all I felt.

When Devon woke up, he cupped my cheek and kissed my neck softly. "Good morning, Angel."

"Angel?" I whispered. "That's new."

"Don't like it?"

"Didn't say that."

He lifted his head, smiling down at me before kissing me softly. "Good morning, Mel."

"Good morning, Devon."

"I'm glad I got to see you last night."

I looked away from him, staring at the wall instead. What was I supposed to say? 'Yeah, about last night, I feel ashamed that I let myself do that and let my arousal speak for me?' Yeah, no. I wasn't going to say that.

"You should probably leave," I stated.

He frowned, quirking an eyebrow. "Did I-"

"Jeanie will knock on my door any minute to wake me up," I stated. "She can't see you."

Devon jumped out of bed and quickly pulled on his jeans and hoodie. He knelt on the bed, kissing me again before winking and jumping out the window. He ran straight through the neighbor's lawn before causally walking back to his house.

Once I slipped the window screen back in place, I groaned and dropped my head onto the windowsill. I knew I was supposed to be open about my feelings and what I was experiencing, but what sort of reaction would I need to prepare myself for? Was he going to upset that I didn't tell him right away? Was he going to think he was bad at sex? Wait, who cared about that? It wasn't about him; it was about me and the aftermath. I happened to really enjoy it, yet all I felt was shame. Shame of myself.

All I wanted was to see my boyfriend after an important night. I just wanted to see him and hold him and talk. Were these sorts of things supposed to be planned in advance, and that's why I felt ashamed? Because I just let it happen? I definitely figured that when I wound up having sex, it would be something my partner and I would talk about and work up to. I did not work up to that.

"Mel," Jeanie sang as she knocked on the door. I watched her open the door and step inside. She tsked. "I thought Devon was still here."

"You knew he was here?"

"You two weren't exactly quiet last night," she shrugged. "I don't care if you had sex, so long as you used a condom. Was it fun?"

"We didn't have sex," I mumbled.

"Oh, did you go down on each other?"

I shook my head.

"The old dry hump?"

"Jeanie!"

She laughed. "If you think you're ready to have sex, I have no issue with it. You don't have to hide it from me, you know. It's your life, and you know your body. Just do what feels right for you."

"What if you don't know if what you did was right or not?" I asked.

She tilted her head.

"What if you feel... bad after?"

"Did he do something to you?" she asked, her voice razor sharp. "Do I need to get Rick to help kick his ass?"

"No, no! Nothing like that. I just- God, how do I put it?"