what is meant

19

I couldn't tell you what happened during the remainder of the appointment with the doctor. A few words stuck in my mind.

About 6 to 8 weeks...

Next appointment...

Stop travelling...

The father?

I don't think I answered half the questions that the doctor asked me. One thing I did remember was telling him that Ivy would be in contact about appointments and what to do moving forward.

Without much else to say I stood up and left. My arms wrapped protectively around myself as I walked back toward my temporary home. When I got in the door I texted our director and said that I would need that nights show off as well and to let one of the swings take it over. I could barely process my current emotions, let alone portray the emotions of someone who lived their life 200 odd years ago. The rest of my day was spent on the couch, curled up into myself, watching trashy soap operas.

I must have dozed off at some point as I was woken by my phone ringing. My eyes fluttered open and I glanced at the phone left on the table. Daveed was calling. My heart stopped. My stomach turned.

What are you going to say? What are you going to do? What if he doesn't want it? What if he just ghosts you?

My subconscious took over and ignored the call, my finger pushing firmly on the big red option on the screen. My subconscious also decided that this was the perfect time to let those bottled up emotions come forth. My bottom lip started to tremble, my eyes started to sting, I held my breath as my heart rate picked up and rattled in my chest. Then the waterworks started. I cried for at least a full episode of whatever was on the TV, hiccupping breaths escaping me as I sobbed. Once my eyes were swollen from rubbing at them and the tears, I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. I balled up some toilet paper and started to blow my nose. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Damn, I look utterly pathetic.

I don't know what made me do it, but I slowly pulled up my shirt. I turned sideways in the mirror and looked at myself. No bump yet, obviously, yet I still placed my hand softly on the skin of my stomach. A small grin cracked across my face and sigh escaped my lips as I felt somewhat calm for the first time since waking up this morning.

"I don't know what we are going to do...but I do know we have each other." I spoke softly, letting the words fall into silence.

I knew I had to tell someone, so I texted Hannah and told her when the show was over she should come over and spend the night so I could update her on the "flu situation". While I waited for her to show up I decided I should probably try to get some food in my system. Toast with cinnamon-sugar was my go to when I wasn't feeling well. I snacked away as I typed a text to Ivy, setting up a Skype meeting for tomorrow morning so I could fill her in and make a plan on how this was all going to pan out

******

Shortly after 11 there was a light rap on my door, followed by a creak as the door opened. Hannah peaked around the door and smiled before coming in and shucking off her shoes.

"Hey, how was the show tonight?" I asked as I shut the TV off and made room for her on the couch. Her shoulders shrugged gently.

"The usual, it's never the same when you aren't there." she pouted as she plunked down beside me on the couch and threw her head back. I smiled softly, I always hated missing shows. "So, what was the doctor saying? Flu? Cold? Something else?"

I collected my hands in my lap and looked down and shook my head gently. "I guess you can put it in the 'something else' category..." I trailed off, unable to even look her in the face. Why am I embarrassed? As she placed a hand softly on mine I felt myself starting to tear up again. What the hell? I thought got rid of all this crying earlier.

"What is it?" Hannah asked, her face showing concern as my eyes finally met hers, tears just lightly seeping out of the corners.

"I'm pregnant..." I managed to get out, barely above a whisper. It was the first time I had said it out loud and it felt good to actually have it out in the air in front of someone else. Her eyebrows raised in surprise as she shook her head gently, no doubt making sure she heard me right.

"What? For real?" she asked with a bit of skepticism in her voice. I nodded my head and pulled out my phone to show the picture I had snapped of the positive test after I had taken it.

"This is a good thing, right? You're happy aren't you?" a smile broke softly on her lips as she looked at me. I couldn't help but shrug.

"Well I have always wanted to have children, raise a family. This is just not the way I had expected it to happen, especially with the state of my relationship at the moment..." I trailed off. The tabloids had continued to speculate about Daveed and I and what our relationship was. They went from saying I was a new girlfriend, to just a friend, to a side-piece, back to girlfriend, and one source even said we had secretly eloped all because I worse a simple ring on one of my fingers. He had posted another photo from our photoshoot on his Instagram last week and the fan comments continued to be mixed. We tried to ignore it the best we could, though he did a way better job than I did. I was just relieved that when I wasn't with him and was with the tour cast that I wasn't being bombarded by anyone. My identity had yet to be completely revealed.

Hannah bit her lip, obviously thinking to herself about how the situation would be handled. I filled her in on how I had set up a meeting with Ivy tomorrow via Skype to discuss how this would affect my place in Hamilton and what could be done through the pregnancy and then afterwards.

"So Daveed knows then?" she asked the question I had been dreading to answer.

I looked away and toward my phone, which now had 10 missed calls and about double the amount of unopened text messages. I still had no idea what to do about him, how to tell him, if I should even tell him. I didn't want to negatively impact his career because of this. He was already busy enough and he didn't need my making it harder or busier.

"I haven't said anything yet. And I don't know when I will...I feel like it's something I need to do in person. So I guess its a matter of finding the time to get him here or me to get there."

Hannah grabbed my hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

"It will work out Soph, I know it will." she smiled as she pulled me into a strong, comforting hug.

It would work out...right?