Answer To My Life

f i ve

All I can think about throughout the entire class period is Zara, and when she turns around and makes eye contact with me, I'm overcome with the grand urge to just get my plan over with.

"Woah, Idalia," Elliot whispers to me. "Zara has been staring at you for practically hours."

  "Stop!" I scold him, honestly bothered with him.

"Make a move," he tells me.

  "Maybe I will."

"Make a move!" He repeats encouragingly.

"I'm too much of a loser for that, and I don't really want to."

"C'mon. Do you think that Isaac and I would be dating if I hadn't made a move?"

He loves to go on and on about that story of how they started dating. They were at a random house party, and Isaac was a known player. . . For the football team and for the girls at my school.

It seems like he wasn't truly much of one though, because when Elliot talked to him, he ended up coming out and they've been dating since then.

I can't imagine that it would ever be so simple for me, but I suppose nothing is ever what it seems.

  "I don't know," I tell him as I shrug.

"You can do this! You do you."

"I don't know," I repeat.

The bell rings as he questions, "do I have to do everything myself?"

  He links his arm into mine, and practically drags me over to where Zara is standing. Zara is clearly annoyed with Elliot but smirks when she looks at me.

"Hey, Zara!" Elliot says dramatically.

  She rolls her eyes in response and turns to me, telling me, "hey there."

I nervously say, "hi."

"Oh, look at the time!" Elliot exaggerates. "It is late and I must be going!"

"Is he always like that?" Zara asks once he leaves.

  "Yes, but I love him anyways," I tell her.

  She laughs, and says, "I was wondering when you were finally going to come up to me. I like you."

"Th-thanks?"

"That's cute," she tells me.

"We can talk about what else you like about me at my house on Thursday night?" I suggest.

  "Let's make it my house instead and you've got a deal."

"Sounds good," I say.

Based on her tone, I can infer what she wants but if she's actually interested in me, she won't act like this. I hope.

"See you then," I tell her before I put my backpack on and walk out of the classroom, feeling Zara's longing stare over me.

Elliot immediately catches up with me in the hallway and asks, "how did it go?"

"She finds you annoying."

"Yeah, yeah. Most people do," he says.

"We're meeting on Thursday."

"Really? Exciting!" He yells loudly.

"I don't know. I feel like I should be more excited about this."

"Why aren't you excited?" He questions. "You're going to get laid!"

"No, I'm not," I snap at him.

Again, I'm bothered by his disturbing idolization of sex. It's always annoyed me. I mean, we're both teenagers? Shouldn't we be focused on more important stuff?

"Why ask her out then? You know what she wants."

Because I want to see if she's Sea.

"I don't know," I mumble.

"That's your response for everything nowadays," he says as he rolls his eyes. "I have to go."

He leaves me alone in the hallway to walk to my next class. I ignore the few stares I receive as I turn to all of the couples that take up space. Though they're quiet irritating since I want to get to class, I find myself wishing that I could have that with Sea.

  I think about Zara possibly being Sea and that energizes me, making me excited to see what'll happen Thursday. The rest of the day, I'm bored out of my mind but when I see a text from Sea, I immediately feel better.

seaofhearts | 12:02 pm
school is so boring

daylightful | 12:04 pm
it would be better if you were with me

seaofhearts | 12:05 pm
yeah.. wouldn't it

daylightful | 12:07 pm
meet me in the lunchroom! please

seaofhearts | 12:09 pm
i don't think i should. . .

daylightful | 12:10 pm
why not?

seaofhearts | 12:11 pm
you already know i'm not ready. and i don't even know who you are.

daylightful | 12:13 pm
i would be willing to tell you if you wanted to meet.

seaofhearts | 12:18 pm
i'm sorry. i can't

Though I expected that kind of response, I'm still disappointed. All I wish for is to know who she is, but it feels as if she doesn't even want to find out who I am.

I don't bother responding, and I simply turn off my phone.

When the bell rings, I march out and decide that I'll go to the lunchroom anyways, and see who's there. She might have decided to show up anyways and I can figure out who Sea is.

When I walk in, I feel crowded and small in the filled room with people running around me and shoving me out of their ways. I look toward everyone and do a complete circle, as if I'll somehow just know who Sea is.

I catch a glimpse of Marina walking around the cafeteria and my heart does a backflip, but she doesn't spot me. I turn around and find Zara standing in a line, waiting for her food, which surprises me.

Is this a sign? It's her?

I feel hope surge through me and instead of talking to her, I leave the lunchroom. I send Sea a message telling that I was sorry. She responds with a question mark, but I simply ask her if we can change the subject which she gladly does. We spend the rest of the class period texting and I feel calmer, thinking that I've figured out who she is.

Zara is definitely not what I expected, but maybe unexpected is good.