Answer To My Life

t w e n t y - f i v e

By the next week, I'm finally able to get a chance to talk to her. There simply wasn't enough time during school to talk about everything. Outside of school, I had been grounded by my dad because I yelled at my two brothers for being annoying brats. I hadn't been allowed to go out, until now.

I'm approaching her backyard, and I feel all of my fears and worries coming to the surface. I've been trying to hold on to my confidence but it's not helping me stay calm.

I almost crash into the gate that I've passed through millions of times before. I slowly open the garden gate and head into her backyard, ready to see where destiny will take me.

"Hey," she says softly when she spots me.

Though it's dark outside, she shines against everything else. Like how the ocean sparkles with the sun's appearance on it. I start to wonder if that metaphor is actually literal, considering how she was Sea and I was Sun. I'm not a huge literature person though, so I don't give much thought to it.

Her smile is present and her eyes are as blue as ever. I never noticed, but it seems as if now her eyes are full of life and as bright as ever. I quickly rub my own eyes to make sure that I'm not going insane.

I'm the kind of person that thrives on noticing small details. I'll take note of every single feature in a person or notice everything they do, but I'll never comment on it. Right now though, I decide to voice my thoughts.

"Fuck you and your blue eyes," I tell her.

I don't know what exactly what I was planning to say, but it certainly wasn't that. I start laughing as soon as I say it, and Marina just grins as if she has nothing to say. She says a lot with her eyes though, and right now she's telling me that she loves me.

Once again, I start to question if I'm crazy.

"Was that what you wanted to tell me?" She asks.

I take a deep breath before I launch into my explanation.

"I fucking miss you. For the past few months, I've been trying to convince myself that I was going to move on. Except, how can I move on from something that isn't over? What we have isn't over."

She softly tells me, "I drove myself crazy because I just wished that I could reverse everything I did. No matter what though, the memory will always be there. I knew that the truth would hurt you at that point so far in our relationship, but I chose not to say anything anyway on purpose because I wanted to keep the secret to myself as if it only belonged to me. I was selfish, and I messed up."

"I messed up too, but things won't be the same," I remind her. "We've both changed."

"I know. I'm not going to repeat the same mistakes. Especially when it's about you. I pledge to never hurt you again."

"That's not possible," I tell her.

She knows that.

Like me though, she wants to rely on hope. Hope that we won't fuck up and ruin everything. Hope that we won't make the same mistakes. Hope that everything will be fine.

It's unrealistic, because humans are bound to mess up. Whether it's on accident or on purpose. That's just the way life is. I don't really care though. I'll remain focused on the present, and what I have with Marina right now.

"I love you," I say.

Despite everything that happened and all of my fears and worries and thoughts about it, I love her. We can't necessarily choose who we love. We can choose what we do with that love though. We can choose to let the other person know or we can bottle up the feeling forever.

I've chosen to let her know. I've willingly decided to be vulnerable and honest.

Isn't it strange how three simple words when said properly for the first time can change everything?

She's easily able to tell me, "I love you too."

It's the words that we already know we feel, but it somehow feels refreshing to hear them said out loud.

It slowly starts to rain, but we stay put. I look into her eyes, and I realize that she's mine. Not in a creepy property way, but as in a relationship. She's my girlfriend once again.

My heart feels as if it's been repaired. The wounds will leave faint scars. They'll impact me, but they will not define me.

I feel at peace about that.

Marina pulls me in, and we kiss. We show our love for each other through that simple action, but it somehow feels monumental. I'm finally able to hold onto her touch after what felt like forever.

It feels as if nothing else exists. Even when the rain starts pouring, we stay. Standing there, caught up in each other.

I feel like I'm living in some cheesy fairytale, but I don't mind it. In fact, I love the idea of it too.

Marina kisses me in the pouring rain, and it somehow feels like everything is right. Like everything led to this exact moment. Like we're meant to be.

I don't care if I get a cold after this. What matters is that I'm here, with her.

We pull away, still staring into each other's eyes. I get lost in the ocean that is her eyes.

We laugh together, like we have an inside joke that no one else knows about. We smile, because nothing else matters right now. We kiss, as if it'll be our last time.

After a while, the rain stops. The random rain storms are common for my city, as it'll rain for ten minutes straight and then the bright blue sky will come out.

We outlast the rain, and that's what happens. The sun shines through the clouds, illuminating the entire area.

Marina's hair is disastrously wet and her clothes are soaked. I look at myself and touch my hair, realizing that I probably like a mess.

We spend a moment just looking at each other.

We're comforted by the silence.

I think that some of the best feelings don't have to be said out loud. Sometimes, it's more meaningful when you can communicate without words.

Two more chapters left!