Answer To My Life

e i g h t e e n

That night, I leave abruptly and practically sprint back home. I ignore every past warning and reminders that run through my head of my parents telling me that being alone in the dark is dangerous.

When I arrive home, I quietly head to my room. Luckily, no one sees me. I immediately sit on my bed and just start crying.

I'm in complete shock. A million emotions are flying around in my mind but the one I feel the most is pure betrayal.

I start to type a text out to 'Sea' online on her familiar Tumblr account, calling her out on being a pathetic liar. At the same time, I want to send a message to Marina, telling her that we're done.

Something holds me back though.

I remind myself that Marina doesn't know. I can't blame her for this when she hasn't figured it out either. I've never known how to act with a first love, and I can't mess up now.

I take some comfort in knowing that she'll find out the truth soon. I'll make sure to tell her.

I want to see the look on her face when she realizes I'm her internet friend. I'm the one that she's poured her heart out to online. I'm her friend, but also her girlfriend.

I start to steady my breaths and wipe my leftover tears away. I try to level myself so that I don't feel as if I'm drowning in an ocean of senseless thoughts.

I look to my phone again and finally erase the dramatic texts I was almost going to send her. It would have ruined everything we've built together.

I switch to my old conversation with Elliot and I want to message him.

I need to message him. I need his opinions. His charming humor that somehow allows him to twist anything into something marvelous. His ability to give advice that somehow makes everything in the world make sense.

I shouldn't though.

I shouldn't be the one to always make an effort and I shouldn't be the one to text first.

I practically slam my phone on my white nightstand next to my bed. I lay down, and my mind wanders through the parallels and similarities between Sea and Marina.

Of course, they're the same person, so I find that they share everything in common. The only differences were that Sea had opened up to me much quicker.

She had also shown her true dramatic and fun loving self quicker. Marina, in contrast, had taken longer to let her walls down. Her public image was different and though she has the traits that her reputation show, I've found that there's so much beyond that when it comes to her.

When I fall asleep, I'm dreaming of the future with Marina.

When I approach my school the next day, I realize that it's so much smaller than it used to be.

It hasn't shrunken in size, but somehow the people that I've known for over a decade and the dull teachers with fake smiles on their faces seem smaller.

Now that I know Sea was Marina, it feels even tinier. I had beat the odds of meeting online friends and had achieved the impossible feat.

I was somehow dating her too.

It feels so impossible and unlikely in my hopes that now, I start to doubt myself.

Am I living in some dream?

The thought leaves me wonderstruck.

It felt like some kind of miracle which was shocking, as I'm not a lucky person. I've lost every single contest I've ever tried to win. When you play stupid games like those though, the rewards are meaningless.