Answer To My Life

t w e n t y - t h r e e

On Sunday, I tip toe quietly into her backyard where she's already waiting for me.

Thousands of twinkling lights are present, both in the night sky and in her darling eyes. She gives me an uneasy smile and holds out her hand for me, but I let it fall.

I look down to the ground, as if I'm trying to steady myself. Then, I turn and face her directly. We stay silent for a moment, both trying to figure out what to do next.

"I'm here," I say awkwardly, because saying anything is better than this long silence.

She's standing carefully and her calmness reminds me of the person I thought she was. Kind and delicate. Not the angry and word-violent person she had turned into.

I don't think that either of us are proud of who we became that cold day from the past though.

"What do you want?" I ask her.

"I messed up," Marina tells me.

She takes a deep breath, as if waiting for me to give her the approval to continue. I tilt my head, and face her directly again.

So, she continues, "I refused to think about the consequences of what I did. Over the past few months, I've missed you. So much. Without our conversations on Tumblr and in person, I'm not the same. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I did. For that, I am so sorry. Maybe I'm just another stupid kid in love while saying this, but I was so scared of the world, and if I'm being honest, I think I still might be. What I learned while being with you though, is that it's okay to be afraid. The world is scary. You make it a better place though, and I think that you've become my world."

I try not to focus on the word "love" that left her mouth. I try to instead focus on her apology.

"Why did you say those things to me that day?" I ask.

"I don't think that any explanation I give will be what you deserve to hear. I was angry in the moment because I could feel you slipping away. I didn't want it to happen. I don't want to deal with any problems so I wanted to avoid it."

"You were avoiding it by encouraging me to leave?"

"I know how that sounds," Marina says, wincing at my words. "That's why I admit that I'm not a very good person. I'm stupid and keep all of my anger inside until it comes out all at once."

"It hurt, you know that, right?"

"I know, and I'll regret that forever. You didn't deserve that. Those words are not who I am, please know that," she tells me.

"I won't forget what you said, but I also need to apologize. I could have figured it out much sooner than I did, and at the very least, I shouldn't have reacted that way. I look back on what I said and everything else, and I hate that person. I promise that I'm not her anymore. . . I really do think that's something I'm sure of."

That's the truth. I haven't forgotten the painful words. But, we both said things we shouldn't have. Our actions that day affected us, and even ended our relationship at that point.

She says, "I believe you, and I know you're being genuine. I forgive you, but I just wish that I could change everything that happened back then just so we could be brought to some amazing place in our relationship. As to my actions, I want to make it up to you. As long you know that that was the past me. Not current me."

She's kind and it even takes me back to our old time together from some naive past where neither of us could ruin anything.

"Look, I just want you to know, this is me trying. This is me stepping out of my comfort zone, and doing what I never could before. This is me- asking you for your forgiveness after everything I did," she tells me.

That gets me emotional.

"It's been months. You can't do this to me," I say, and at that point, I already feel as if the tears are ready to make their appearance. "I was barely getting used to the idea of not having you in my life. I was starting to move on."

"Don't move on," she pleads. "You can't. If anything, just promise me that you'll think about it. Don't give up on us so easily."

I shrug, and tell her, "I don't know what to do anymore."

"I know it's been practically forever since we last talked, but I've realized that I can't live without you. You're everywhere. Even when I look up at the fucking sun, I'm reminded of you."

Hearing her words makes everything so much more real. The past few months, I've been trying to erase her from my memories, as if I'll somehow complete the impossible.

For two years, she had been part of my support system. She had become everything to me. I had shared some of the sweetest memories with her. She had given me the feelings of hope that I couldn't anywhere else.

That doesn't mean that I'll give in easily though, so I tell her, "I'll think about it."

After months of trying to let go, I was not going to pull her back in. I was going to see if it was worth it. If it's worth risking my heart again.

Is it worth the possible pain it may bring both of us?

Like that, I'm transported back to that near winter day at the football field behind the school. Her words had gotten to me, right in my already vulnerable heart. Since then, every time I had seen her- it felt like she was still stabbing me. Stabbing me with the reminder of everything that had happened.

I had been doing everything I could to take out the knife and find myself. It seemed that despite everything, I still couldn't find my old self again.

I was tainted by her presence.

Now, to think of doing the unthinkable- actually getting back together with her, was strange. It felt like a wanted release from the pain I had been going through since last year. It also feels like I would be risking my heart again and willingly letting myself get stabbed again- except this time it wouldn't just injure me. . . it would actually kill me.

I don't want to experience that again, but isn't love about the risks? You're putting yourself in a vulnerable position by dating anyone because they know you so well and they can use that against you.

Marina seems sincere. I don't want to just brush it off.

So, this time, I reach out to hold her hand.

In that moment of quiet, I start to learn a little more about love and what exactly I've been feeling since I met her.

I look directly into her eyes as I say, "I fell in love with the version of you on the Internet."

She's shocked at my confession, but I continue with my completely unplanned speech.

"I loved you and gave you everything. I gave you the key to the door but the day we broke up, it just felt like you threw away the key and locked me out. I don't think I'll ever completely get over it. So, I may forgive you but I can't forget it."

"Is that your way of saying you love me and that you forgive me?" She questions.

I ignore the part about love.

"I will always forgive you, but that doesn't mean everything is going to go back to normal. It can't."

"What do you mean?"

"I need time. That could be a day or even a month. I don't know, but I need some time."

It certainly feels ironic for me to say that, considering how I had spent the past few months just wanting to be with her. Now, it doesn't exactly feel right.

"I'll wait. I'll do anything for you," she says.

And again, I know she's being honest. I finally feel some peace of mind at getting that all out there.

We tightly hug, say goodbye to each other, and I leave.

Meeting her had been the solution.