Answer To My Life

t w e n t y - o n e

A few months later, things have mainly remained the same.

My state of heartbreak hasn't improved that much.

I've resorted to deleting the Tumblr app off my phone because every time I log in, I have the strongest urge to unblock Sea and send her a message. I should stop referring to Sea as well, Sea, because of who she actually is but I can't help it. I've gotten used to it.

I haven't gotten used to not having Marina around. I miss her presence. Her smile, her kisses, and her ethereal laughter.

Sometimes, I'll go the diner where she worked at and see if I'll find her there. Except, I never do find her because she doesn't seem to work there anymore. I had asked another employee and they said Marina had quit. I'm proud of her for taking the initiative to quit her job. I just wish that I could have been there to help her.

I might be pathetic for saying this, but I don't know if I can live without her. Though we awkwardly see each other in the halls and in our classes, we never talk. I miss the late night conversations and the random cringe-worthy text exchanges we would have for laughs.

I just miss having her around.

I've lost hope of ever talking to her again. I don't think that she'll ever see the wrong in her actions.

So, I try to miserably carry on with my life. My final year of high school will soon be coming to an end.

Then, I'll be thrown into another summer and university later on. I'll be forced to move on, because of the distance and the fact that I won't be reminded of Marina with her strong presence every single painful day at school.

I try to look forward to that.

My goal is to only look forward rather than back to the past. My relationship with Marina was old news, and our fight should be forgotten. Our unsaid but official breakup was long ago.

Other things had happened within the past year.

Strengthening my friendship with Elliot. Improving my bond with my mom after she accepted me. Getting stellar grades at school for once because I had thrown myself into schoolwork as a distraction, which made my dad fantastically happy.

So, not everything was bad. If I didn't think about Marina, then I would actually consider this to be a good year. Well, an amazing year.

Time to stop focusing on the past and start focusing on finishing senior year for now. Isn't it strange how I keep repeating that but then keep returning to the thought of Marina?

Yeah, that's what the year has been like. I see one good thing and suddenly I'm asking myself why Marina couldn't be here to share the moment with me.

This time, I'm serious though. I'm currently in my English class and have just turned in my final essay for the year. My teacher smiles sadly, probably disappointed that he won't be able to torture students with extra schoolwork anymore.

I pull my backpack on, ready to head to my next class. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Marina also packing up her things and I roll my eyes.

I will not focus on her.

I will focus on walking to my next class.

Except, because of my bad luck and how Marina almost bumps into me in a rush to leave the classroom, my mind wanders back to the thought of her.

She hasn't changed a bit. Still the same smile that holds a spiral of emotions, blonde hair that reaches below her shoulders, and a usual patterned shirt paired with a short skirt. Just with her style alone, she's unique amongst the crowd of basic teenagers, but once you see her blue eyes. . . that's when you see what makes her stand out.

Her eyes are like a firework show, you can't help but look.

When I get out of my thoughts and try to find her again, she's already out of sight. She's probably already in her math class right now and has forgotten about me.

Meanwhile, I'm here. Still stuck on the idea of her. When the bell rings, I realize that I'm late for my next class.

I walk over to an unenthusiastic security guard who's supposed to walk me to my next class as an excuse for being late. I had built up a small friendship with her, but it seems like today she's just done with my bullshit. She wordlessly leads me down the hall and instead of walking me to my class, she tells me to get into the janitor's closet.

"What?" I ask, as everything inside me is questioning if my security guard-turned-friend is planning to lead me in here to murder me.

She's clearly annoyed and responds, "the things I do for you and the other kids here. Just go in. You'll be excused from class."

I want to ask her another question, but she practically runs away from me. My curiosity takes control and so, I impulsively walk inside.

The janitor's closet is dark, so I reach over to turn on the light switch. After I rub my eyes to get used to the burst of light, I refuse to accept that the person who tore me apart is right in front of me.

She's standing still, her arms tightly hugging herself and a distant expression on her face.

"No," is all I say before I rush out of the closet.

I feel the door open so I quickly put my back up against the door, so that Marina can't get out. The thoughts in my head are only telling me that I'm acting immature and I'm no better than her for doing this, but I do it anyway.

It's not exactly my proudest moment. At all.

I hear her pounding on the door and yelling to get out, but I stay still against the door. The security guards walking nearby think I'm doing a prank so they silently walk past me.

Finally, Marina stops and I take it as a chance to run away. I don't even realize that in the process, something falls out of my pocket.

I get a late pass from the hall monitors and head back to my class. The teacher is unamused, like always, with the fact that I'm late but chooses not to tell me anything.

Halfway through class, I start to get extremely bored. I decide to grab my phone to send Elliot a quick text, except my phone isn't in my backpack.

I shuffle around my items and my sweater, but it isn't anywhere.

Marina has it.