Answer To My Life

n i n e t e e n

When I walk over to the football field, it's strangely cold and the weather is overcast. There's no sight of anyone since all of the sports practices have been cancelled because of the expected snow. I decide to sit on one of the hard grey benches that offer little comfort for sitting.

I sit my backpack aside and wait in silence for Marina to arrive. Inside of my head though, I'm a mess of thousands of speeches and thoughts that I'll never actually say to her. I try to figure out how best to approach the subject.

Should I lead into it? Should I say it right away?

Before I know it, I spot Marina walking over to me. Her long brown coat covers her figure, but I still take note of how stiff she is. Her face is empty of any emotion, as if she somehow knows how scared I am to tell her the truth.

"Thanks for meeting me, " I tell her when she's finally in speaking distance.

"I wouldn't leave my girlfriend hanging around," is all she says before she takes a seat next to me.

"I don't know how to say this, but I found something out. It's about Tumblr. I think that-"

"You know I'm Sea," she blurts out.

"What?"

"You took forever to figure it out," she says cheekily.

She maintains a calm aura, without even realizing the gravity of what she's just said. Her smile has good intentions, but I feel as if some kind of egoistic darkness is spilling out of her. She stands up and is about to just walk away, but I pull her back.

She's surprised as I stand up, yelling with whispers, ". . . what the fuck?"

"What?" She asks innocently.

"You can't just say that and leave. Explain!"

She's now clearly uncomfortable and she drops her bag to ground, then launches into her tragicically short explanation, "I knew you were Sun. You didn't know I was Sea. Isn't it nice to finally have that all out in the open?"

"No, it isn't fucking nice," I tell her mockingly in her same cheerful tone. "How long have you known?"

"Since the day I moved here and saw you in the classroom. Hearing your name as our teacher called out for attendance and eavesdropping on your conversations with Elliot only confirmed it."

I feel like yelling at her for not telling me. Grabbing her stupid bookbag and throwing it across the field as if I were a football player. Except I don't.

At least not yet.

Everything feels like it's moving so quickly even though it's not. I'm not sure how to react.

It takes everything within me to then say calmly, "you've been lying to me this entire time."

She starts to say, offended as she is, "no! I just didn't tell you. I never even mentioned it."

"Withholding the truth is still lying. Also, you did lie. All those times I asked you online if you knew who I was. When I confronted you in person about Sea. You could have told me the truth. You chose not to tell me."

Is it? Am I right? Am I wrong?

"I didn't do anything wrong, " she tells me firmly.

Based off of the look on her face, I know that she actually believes it.

With a few words, my heart has been completely shattered and my magnificent castle has been defeated. The troops used to defend my soul have all been killed. I, the queen of it all, have been severely injured.