Answer To My Life

s e v e n t e e n

Despite my urges to ask Marina if she's Sea, I decide against doing it right away. I head to Marina's home and am led to her room, hand in hand.

She attempts to kiss me and I give in, but my mind is elsewhere. She seems to notice my stiffness after a few minutes, and she sits back.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No!" I tell her. "It's just me. I think this friendship drama with Elliot is starting to get to me."

"I'm sorry that it's hurting you this much. You should talk to him," she suggests.

"No, I always try to fix things with him. This time, he needs to make a real effort."

"What do you want to do then?" She asks.

"I don't know," I admit, and as I say the next part, I start to get all smiley and blushy like an idiot, "being here with you is more than enough. I like spending time with you."

"I do too," she tells me.

She leans in for a kiss, and this time, I'm not held back by any of my thoughts.

I push those ideas away. For now, at least. I just want to focus on Marina for more time before I put all of my energy into my new conspiracy theory.

With her, all of my worries and bad memories are forgotten. I'm simply focused on her in the moment.

I put all of my energy into kissing her as if nothing else exists.

Except, I pull away again. It doesn't feel right. She immediately gets up and decides to sit next to me on the bed.

"Did I do something wrong?" She asks curiously.

"No," I tell her out of comfort. "I'm just feeling a little off today."

"That's fine. We can just be together."

She's genuine and I smile, feeling glad that she's not angry. With my ex-boyfriend, he hadn't taken kindly to any kind of rejection.

Luckily, I got out of that relationship with Elliot's help. I feel another spark of gratitude toward Elliot and what he's done for me, but I'm still not going to reach out to him first. I want to see some more effort from him.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" She asks.

We lay back together in bed, and start to cuddle. She starts to play a movie on the TV screen, but we're so wrapped up in each other that we barely watch it.

My mind wanders back to Elliot and what he had said about the topic of sex. It had caused us to argue, so I feel a need to think about it.

Or rather, I felt the need to think about how much I didn't need to think about it.

As a matter of fact, I've never thought about it in the same way as others had. Especially not how Elliot views it.

I've always felt indifferent when it comes to that. I start to reevaluate my life entirely and make a newfound discovery, like a child who's just figured out their favorite flavor of ice cream. In the matter of 30 minutes, I'm able to come to a conclusion about my very own identity.

"I think I'm asexual," I tell Marina.

She stays silent, and sits back up.

"Is that okay?" I ask.

"You shouldn't even have to ask that. It's obviously okay. I care about you no matter what and I want to be with you. I like all of you, including your personality and your features, and especially you being asexual. I'm happy that you were ready to tell me that."

"Yeah, well, the thought just popped into my head. It makes sense though. For me," I explain.

"I'm proud of you," she says warmly.

We lay back down together, and start to cuddle again. She grabs the necklace around my neck and plays with it, opening and closing the small heart locket repeatedly.

I allow myself to twirl a strand of her hair around my fingers. I run my hand through her hair and pull her in, using it as some tactic to kiss her again.

That's how the night goes. Peaceful and magically simple, but so complex at the same time.

Later that night once she's fallen asleep, my mind starts to wander back to my theory about Marina and Sea.

I keep telling myself that I've moved on. Honestly, I had moved on but now I feel like I've pulled myself back in.

It seems like it's essential to figure out who she is for some peace of mind. I'm constantly going back and forth when it comes to this topic.

As I look at her peacefully resting body, I start to feel more of an urge to figure it out. I decide to send Sea a message through the Tumblr app. After hesitating, I finally send the text that greets her and asks how she's been.

Sure enough, Marina's phone lights up with a notification the moment I hit send.

A/N: I hope that I brought in enough hints throughout the story that successfully led to this buildup of her admitting she's asexual. If you feel like I've made any inaccuracies when it comes to her experiences and thoughts regarding it, please tell me!