Answer To My Life

t w e n t y - f o u r

When I tell Elliot everything that happened, he's shocked. When it came to the topic of Marina, he was always firmly against me getting back together with her.

He had even been the one to bring me a bucket of icecream and sweets the day after I told him everything that had happened. We had spent the day listening to Taylor Swift albums and crying over my bad luck in the romance department. He had been there to remind me that I didn't need her and I was better off alone than with her.

Now, his opinion has changed and he's telling me that I should give her a second chance. He said that what she did was romantic.

I remind him of how he had been against her before, and he simply shrugs in response. I don't want to brush off his judgement toward this. I've always relied on him to give me some support in, well, everything.

He had given me the support and courage to continue on even after everything went wrong.

I will always value his opinion, but right now I'm questioning it.

It certainly feels strange to think about being with Marina after everything that happened. It feels like too much time has passed.

I roll my eyes at the last thought. It was only a few months, not a thousand years.

Still, that's a long time for me.

I start to think about how Marina and I had gone nearly a year without meeting or actually knowing each other. Yet, we were fine. We ended up being fine. Before everything happened, of course.

I think that I still know who Marina is. A part of me will always know because a piece of my heart will always be with her. You don't just fall in love with someone and get over them easily. I think I'm a firm believer in that your first love will always be important to you, whether you stay with them forever or don't.

Marina had left her mark on me. I haven't forgotten the person she is. We all have negative qualities, so does everyone else on Earth. She can get angry and I can be extreme, but most human beings do.

I forgive her for what happened. I think that part of me can understand where her sudden anger come from. She was never a very expressive person. While I poured out my love for her in every action I did, she was more reserved. Calm, I suppose. That's why I assumed that she never felt much of anything about the bad times in life. Or that it didn't affect her very much.

When I went on a date with Zara and unknowingly hurt her, when we had a small stupid fight in our first month of dating about some nonsense, her parents' divorce, and other events. She was always quiet about it. She never made a huge show of emotions.

Until my argument with her about her being Sea. All of her bottled emotions came out for show and they were only a small portion of everything she's been keeping up inside.

I feel a sense of pity for her in that way, which I know she wouldn't want to know about. She didn't know how to communicate or show what she was feeling.

For that though, I don't blame her.

How can you show what you're feeling when you have no idea what you're feeling?

Some emotions are indescribable. During our fight, she showed an entire set of feelings that were like what an actress would play out in a movie. Her sadness, denial, anger, and such all came out.

I remember calling her out on what she did, and I certainly won't forget it. I don't think that either of us can forget what went down that day.

But, I forgive myself and her for our mistakes. I forgive myself and her for having flaws. I forgive myself and her for trying to defend ourselves.

If I get back together with her, it won't be the same.

It never will be.

It will be better though.

We'll work through our mistakes together and become better people, both of us.

In our relationship, we won't deal with those same problems. There won't be another issue about who we are.

That's what I seriously believe.

When I tell Elliot some of my thoughts about that, he agrees. He cheers me on and excitedly tells me that he's proud of me. He does add though that if Marina does do something to hurt me again, he will not be able to hold himself back from attacking her.

I don't what exactly he means by attacking, but I hope that he doesn't mean physically punching her or something along those lines. I don't bother reminding him that he never really did talk to her in the first place, so whatever he does wouldn't make much of a difference.

I start to feel a bit more confident in my decision. I'll try to hold on to that courage when I tell her that.

Maybe I'm just thinking this for the hope of it all. I don't mind that. I rely on hope to get me through my darkest moments and I will continue to rely on hope to steer me through dating Marina.

I don't care if I'll regret it. I'll just hope that I won't regret it.