Answer To My Life

t w e n t y

Over the past few days, I've been heartbroken.

I've done everything I can to avoid Marina. I've blocked her number and I've blocked her Tumblr page. I skip English class just so I can avoid her, much to the dismay of my mom who assumes that I'm acting out each time she gets a call from my school for skipping class.

I feel like I've shut down.

I was so infatuated with her and how she made me feel, that I didn't even realize it was possible for her to hurt me.

That's the thing about falling for someone.

You get caught up in the moment and hardly focus on the future. All you're focused on is your unconditional adoration for this person.

You never think about how they could break your heart. Or how they could make you question every single thing you've ever known.

You're theirs to keep and theirs to lose. Except, you never think about it in that way. You don't want to believe that they could willingly set you loose.

What are you supposed to do when the unimaginable happens?

I wasn't prepared when Marina broke my heart, tearing up each part of me and creating this new person.

The worst thing is that, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how I should react. My solution so far has been to isolate myself and get away from her.

Is that the right choice? What should I be doing?

It seems that despite my best attempts to erase her from my mind, I still want to go back to her. I can go anywhere I want, but I would still choose to go back to her.

Isn't it strange how the human mind is wired?

Even if someone hurts me, I still try to see the best in them. Marina broke my heart, but I still remember our late night conversations and the way she made me laugh as if nothing else in the world existed. I remember our first date and how we had kissed, awakening this new person inside of me that had been waiting to come out. I remember our nights together, and how at peace I felt while next to her.

I hold on to our sweet memories, rather than just accepting the truth. She's doesn't care about me and I should treat her in such way.

I should be mad. I should be angry.

Both at myself and her.

That's what my head keeps telling me, but it seems as if my heart has chosen a different path.

My soul has consumed this huge glass of guilt and regret. And it seems as if I'm still not done drinking it, because as soon I think it's over, in comes another gulp of shameful emotions.

Each time, I like to recall the times where she had been kind to me. Apart from every single second in our relationship, she had done the most for me.

I would spend the night with her whenever I would get into ridiculous arguments with my dad during his poor moods. She would always split her lunch with me whenever I would forget mine at home. She always made me feel better.

Then, I'm filled with regret. Regret as to why I had to bring it up. I could have approached it in a different way. . . I should have talked about it in a less extreme manner.

Isn't she the one to blame? She couldn't admit that what she did was wrong. Even if her reasons felt right to her, it still hurt.

It hurt so much.

She still strongly believes that what she did was okay and that it was justified despite what it could do to me.

Was it justified?