Straight-ish (Hwang Hyunjin Fanfic)

41

Seungmin nodded and left the office, closing the door carefully. He dropped the façade the moment the door closed, allowing his shoulders to slump forward and feel the dread of Hyunjin diving back into his insecurities. He took the elevator down to the first floor to give them some time to talk. He ordered an Americano and took a seat by the window. He pulled out his phone and began reading a book he had downloaded.

"Hey, Sexy," a voice sounded, next to his ear. Seungmin cringed and recoiled toward the window.

"What do you want, Leo?" he asked, not bothering to maintain a civil tone.

"Where's your little..." Leo began and stopped with the look on Seungmin's face.

"What do you want?" Seungmin repeated, now slightly angry, even though he wasn't sure of what Leo was about to say. He just had a feeling it wouldn't be anything complimentary about the man he loved.

---

Hyunjin watched the door close and sighed softly, not really wanting to have this conversation. "Would you like to tell me about how you processed this?" Dr. Adesina asked.

"It was hell. I was in complete denial. But what's worse is that I still don't know a word that applies to me, or if I even need one," Hyunjin mumbled, flipping his hair back away from his face.

"Whether or not you need a word is ultimately your decision, Hyunjin. It's in the question, you said, 'if you even need one'. Tell me about what happened during this time," she prodded.

"This time?" he asks. "My whole life was this time. I've thought there was just something wrong with me. I thought I was just completely asexual. I had no physical interest in girls, but I didn't have any interest in boys either. People would just give me so much crap because I didn't talk about the cute girl in class, or if I wasn't flirting. It became self-defense to flirt, for crying out-loud. If I wasn't flirting, they'd start saying I was gay or a freak or prude, it was just ridiculous." Hyunjin was rambling, letting go as if he had pulled a plug from a leaky dam wall.

"What was the atmosphere like at home?" Dr. Adesina asked gently.

Hyunjin laughed, the sound void of humor. "My mom just wants me to find a nice girl and get married. My dad is pretty sure I'll never get married and provide him with a son so he can carry on the family name."

Dr. Adesina scribbled a few notes while he was talking. "What do you want?" she inquired.

Hyunjin sat quietly for a second and answered truthfully, "I just want to love someone and be able to enjoy a normal relationship. Before Seungmin, that just didn't happen. I'd build friendships, but I could never feel anything more than that. The one time I did, there was very little physical attraction. She was beautiful, and she definitely tried, and any normal guy would have been a wreck. But not me. But I do love her, in a different way than my other female friends. It's so hard to understand."

Dr. Adesina tilted her head, following his story and asked him to elaborate. He had her incredibly curious.

"I've gone on a lot of first dates. There's usually not a second. I just don't connect. Seungmin has been by me for more horrible dates than I can count. Eventually, I realized I looked forward to the time with him more than the time with whoever I was with. I began to come to terms with the idea that I had feelings for him when our friends started teasing me. They all saw it. It went on for months, but I just couldn't accept it. That's not who I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be "normal".  Then I started seeing Maria. She was different. It didn't start as a date. We were friends and I just sort of realized that I cared about her. We went out for a little while. Everything was great until the physical part came into play. I felt like something was wrong with me, I should have wanted her. I enjoyed kissing her, just sharing that connection, and being able to show her how I felt about her. Anything past that though, and I felt like I was playing a part. It wasn't fair to her," he finished softly.

---

Leo sighed and asked, "May I?" pointing to the empty chair at the table, sitting down before Seungmin had an opportunity to tell him no. "I'm sorry. That's all. You won't take my calls, you won't answer my texts, and now, I can't even catch you at work. Did you quit?" Leo rambled.

"I don't answer because I don't want to talk to you. You went from being a decent guy to being a possessive asshole," Seungmin answered quietly, his lips tight and his teeth clenched. He was a smaller man, and usually resembled a puppy, but when angry, Seungmin was slightly terrifying.

"I wasn't possessive. I was... cautious. I didn't like the way he looked at you. I didn't like the way you looked at him. I felt like I was losing you. I was obviously right to be pissed off about it," Leo answered haughtily.

Seungmin couldn't argue with that. He sat back in his seat and sighed deeply. Leo looked at him and asked simply, "Did I ever even stand a chance?"

Dropping his eyes, actually ashamed of letting Leo think otherwise, Seungmin finally looked up to him with a much gentler gaze and whispered, "Not really." The look in Leo's eyes betrayed the mask he wore and made Seungmin feel worse. "I wanted to make it work. I was tired of being rejected and tried to convince myself that it was just wishful thinking that he'd feel the same way about me. I didn't mean to hurt you, Leo."

"Why did you even text me that night?" Leo asked quietly.

He'd been honest so far. He might as well throw salt on the wound. "I was lonely. I knew you wanted me and I was pissed off at Hyunjin."

Leo nodded slightly. "I was supposed to be a hook-up, wasn't I?"

Seungmin blushed hotly, stammering in response, "It... I... I didn't think..." He sighed, pulling the words together. "I didn't think you'd want anything else. I didn't know you then. I'm sorry that I thought that way of you."

"I pestered the bartender in a restaurant until he gave me his number. Why would you think anything else of me?" Leo responded, softening just a bit. He had released the tension in his shoulders. He asked softly, "Just... tell me it wasn't just a move to make Hyunjin jealous, please?"

Seungmin shook his head, "I honestly didn't think Hyunjin would care in the slightest. I was just so tired of the loneliness."

Leo nodded and paused, pursing his lips before asking his next question. "Did he notice?"

Seungmin laughed softly and nodded, "Yeah. He definitely fucking noticed."

Leo chuckled quietly, then sobered and asked, "Are you happy with him?"

Seungmin smiled gently, his eyes sparkling as he whispered, "I've never been so happy in my life