This was always the worst part. The withdrawals. I couldn't stop sweating, my muscles ached, I can't sleep, and my anxiety was through the roof. "Yes Michael?" Dr. Taylor answered after I pressed my call button. "I-I think I'm getting sick. I think I have a cold or a virus." I said shaking. "Michael. You're having withdrawals. You don't have a cold." She said calmly. "C-can you give me something? I'm in pain." I begged. She sighed and gently grabbed my wrist looking me in the eyes, "remember this pain and suffering the next time you think about picking up a needle." She said then leaving.
"Fuck!" I hollered as i was throwing up. "I want my wife!" I hollered as the nurses helped me up. "Get the fuck off of me!" I said getting mad. "Dr. Taylor, he's getting extremely angry." A nurse said in her ear piece. Vomit came up my throat again, I collapsed puking all over the floor. Again. Two more people came into the room, "Angel help them." Dr. Taylor said. "He's been yelling and cussing at us." A nurse said. "Fuck you! Get off of me!" I hollered again. I was covered in fucking vomit and I was beyond pissed. "Michael. Take a deep breath." Angel said. "I can't! I keep throwing up." I said mad. I started to feel lightheaded and couldn't stand. "He's passing out Angel, Tiffany help her." Dr. Taylor said.
I've been here for a week and i miss my life. My kid, my wife, my perfect life, that I just had to fuck up. I'm not Hallucinating as bad this time. I'm just very irritable. At times I get really angry at Dre for putting me in here, then next thing I know I'm angry at myself for pushing my wife to this point. Dre doesn't deserve this. Me. A fucking mess. She deserves better.
I sat in the therapy room, and i just feel destroyed. Defeated. A loser. "What's going through your head?" Dr. Taylor asked. "I'm a complete loser." I said not even looking at her. Just staring off into space. "You're not a loser Michael. You're human." She said. "I've abandoned my wife for 6 months, leaving her a single mother basically because I can't get my drug problem under control. I'm a loser." I said "You're bettering yourself to be a better husband and father. That's not a loser. That's someone who is trying to be the best they can." She said. "I don't feel that way." "Well of course you don't. We're always a lot harder on ourselves than anyone." She said. "Dre is going to leave. And I won't be mad at her." I said. "She isn't going anywhere. This woman has texted me everyday checking on you. She is rooting for you. Your biggest fan. She loves you and she now understands how hard this can be. Shes been in your shoes now Michael. She gets it." She explained. I didn't reply. "Michael. Do you want to tell me what led you to this?" She asked. Tears filled my eyes. "I just fucked up. Nothing happened. Just had a bad day then I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time." I said. "Elaborate please," she requested. "I was having one of my days. Dre and i hadn't slept. Jay screamed all night. Dre and i just kept fighting and fighting. I went to work, had to deal with a bunch of bullshit. Then after work Dre asked me to go to the CVS to get Jay some medicine. Well the medicine we needed was only at the CVS on the other side of town. The side where I use to always get my drugs. I got Jays medicine. Next thing I know Dylan was there and we were talking. He offered me some and..... and I did it." I said. "What were you thinking?" She asked writing everything down. "I just wanted to relax. I'm under so much stress and I just wanted to relax. I just thought, one time wouldn't hurt. I'll be fine. But i got hooked. Again." I said rubbing my face getting mad at myself. "Who's putting you under a lot of stress. Is this work or home stress?" She asked. "Both. Me. I just....... I can't be like my dad and I'm so afraid I'm going to be a bad dad, I can't be like my dad. But look at me. I'm a horrible father. I'm afraid I can't be the father jay needs me to be." I admitted for the first time ever.
I laid in bed, my withdrawals are getting better. I still feel the need to relapse. I still crave it. I still feel those itches where I feel like something is crawling on me. I hate those. "You need anything Michael, you haven't ate today." Angel asked coming into my room. "No." I said. "Come on, mike you have to eat. Dre is concerned that your not eating." She said. They always sue her. They know she's my weak spot. "Fine, but you guys can't always use her against me." I said sitting up. Angel walked me to the cafeteria. I hate eating here. Someone always tries to sit next to me and talk to me. "You can be a little more friendly you know," Angel said. "They're just like you, never thought they'd be back here." She said. I rolled my eyes.
