Amanda looked at Liv, she didnt want to talk. She sure as hell didnt want to look weak to Liv. But these damn feelings of hers were betraying her by letting tears fall. She honestly didnt just want to be fucked. She wanted someone to take the time and make love to her. But how did one voice that when all they have done so far was have a night where it was unattached sex. She was thinking she was just a damn fool for even wanting this hell even more so for thinking she actually deserved for someone to care that much. Liv just kept watching the blonde. Something happened that changed everything. She didnt like seeing Amanda upset like this and doubting herself. She took it upon herself to pull the blonde into her arms. She hated using her 'victim voice' but she used it with her. Amanda couldnt bring herself to ask. She spoke in a tone that let Liv know she was hurt "Liv it just might be best if you go back to your place tonight. I dont know what is all going on with me. I cant put you through all this." Liv's heart broke for this woman who was clearly hurting deeply. She hugged the blonde a lil tighter. "Sweetie, is that what you want? Do you want me to leave or do you want me to stay? We dont have to do anything, we dont even have to talk if you dont want to. I just want to be here for you." Amanda got up. She was hurt and aggravated and Liv was bout to see that all come out. Amanda scowled. "Why now Liv? Where were you when I needed you? Oh thats right you gave me that fucking card to see a therapist when it came out about Patton. I didnt want the therapist. I wanted to talk to you, but you couldnt be bothered. But you wanna be here now? Why?"
Liv knew in her heart that this wasnt going to end well. "Ill take that as you want me to leave. Just know Amanda I dont regret us being intimate. Never did. Was actually looking forward to being intimate with you again at some point. I just saw a different side of you that I wanted to get to know. But you keep building that wall up higher and higher." Amanda hung her head, she wasnt good at voicing things and this wasnt easy. The tears in her eyes and her feelings were completely raw. "This is me. I've been told many times that I'm cold and unworthy." Liv got up and reluctantly proceeded to gather her things to leave. She looked at Amanda, who had sat back down, holding a pillow and crying. Liv looked at her. She couldnt leave her. She couldnt just walk out on Amanda. 'Fuck this' she thought, 'i'm not leaving her.' She sat back down next to Amanda. "Im not going to leave Amanda. I'm staying right here. We can talk, we can do whatever it is you need for me to do, except leave you alone like this."
Amanda looked over at Liv, her eyes red from the tears that seemed to want to keep falling. She didnt want to open up, but Liv hadnt left. Liv had stayed even when she stayed in that bathroom. She hadnt laughed or mocked her strip tease, she was actually into it from what Amanda saw. Why was it so different now? She spoke softly "What is making you care now Liv? Please just tell me." She started to play with her fingers, her nervousness kicking in. Liv got up to go make them some tea. She figured they were gonna need something. Amanda was letting her guard down and she wanted to be there.
Amanda calmed down a bit. She really didnt know what caused her to break. Maybe Liv actually being into her lil show? Maybe Liv actually being there? She hadnt really had anyone. But why the hell was she having hangups with sex? She never had that before. She was remembering Nate laughing, asking her what the hell she was doing. He just wanted his fuck and leave. He didnt want to see her, just wanted to feel her, get his rocks off and leave. Nick had been the same way. Noone had ever cared bout her feelings. She wondered if she should tell Liv the whole thing about Patton? But her thing was could she trust her?
Liv still stayed. She wanted to know what was up with Amanda. She wanted Amanda to know that she had the time and the patience for her. Amanda looked up at her as she took a sip of her tea. "Liv, alot of things have happened in my past, hey it helps to make the happy go lucky fucked up person I am today. Are you sure you want to really get involved and know me?" Liv spoke as understandingly as she could. "Look Amanda I know we have had our share of differences but I dont want to stay at odds with you. I would like us to be able to trust each other and get along. We are the only two women on the squad." Amanda bit her lip. "Why though? Noone has ever wanted to. Im the one that is favored to fuck over." Liv gently grabbed her chin when Amanda tried to look away. "Because Amanda, I dont want you to feel like that. I'm showing you that I want to." And with that Amanda let go. She propelled herself into Liv's arms. Those simple words 'I want to' did it. Noone had wanted to before. Liv could feel the tears, she just held the blonde. She didnt want to make her talk but she wanted to let her know that if she wanted to talk she could, and that she would be there to listen.
Amanda was comfortable in Liv's arms. But what did this mean for them? Would she feel differently if she knew the truth? "Look Liv, I dont just wanna have random fuck nights when we meet up at the bar. Thats all that has ever been done. Pretty much a no name kind of deal, go home fuck and leave before the sun comes up or the lights go on. No names, no attachments just fulfulling a need. I just cant take that anymore. I do have feelings and I do get hurt." Liv who had begun rubbing her back grabbed her drink after taking a drink she carefully asked Amanda a question. "I can understand that. Actually that is quite easy to understand to be honest Amanda. My question is, what is it that you want though?" Amanda got stiff in Liv's hold. "I certainly dont want random fuck nights, thats for sure. I can't be numb anymore." Liv sat silent, whatever Amanda was feeling she needed to let out, and she needed the patience to be able to let it out.
After sitting for what seemed like forever, Liv still there which was mindblowing to Amanda. Amanda finally said what she needed to say. Choking on her words cause her voice was full of emotion and tears. "I want to be made love to. There I said it. Ive never had anyone make love to me. Never had someone be gentle to me, never had anyone want to explore me and let me explore them. I want that, though I dont deserve it. I want to be able to make love with someone. So my question to you is 'will you make love to me?'"
