Miracles did occur, because, Al Pollock had answered her call on the third ring, and an hour later Amanda had bundled the kids off with him to be dropped at their various locations for the day. Amanda had ignored another call – from Olivia this time, and now she was alone in her apartment all she could focus on was the sick feeling deep in her gut. She hadn't lied to Olivia for years. But getting showered, going to work, facing the day...it was insurmountable. She opened her message thread to Olivia.
Won't make it in today. I'm sick. Sorry.
Amanda's hand shook slightly as her thumb hovered over the send button. She felt like a failure. She hit send before she could think about it for too long. The longer she made Olivia wait for any sort of contact from her, the worse the consequences would be. Her heart stated to race, but before she could switch her iPhone to silent and avoid looking at it – avoid Olivia's response – it started to ring in her hand. Olivia Benson's name flashed up at her. Amanda swallowed, paralysed between her two choices: the one she should make, which was to answer Olivia's call, and the one she wanted to make, ignoring Olivia. In the end, she hesitated too long and the shrill ringing died down. There was silence now, save the ticking clock on her mantle.
The text message that buzzed through a second later was to the point: Call me.
Ignoring Olivia's request, Amanda wandered into the kitchen, where she dumped Jesse's rejected cereal into the trash. She wasn't hungry anymore. She poured out some food for Frannie, and the dog dived in with gusto. Now, there was a chance of some peace for a while. Amanda headed back to her bedroom and crawled under the covers of her unmade bed. She noticed Jesse's stuffed penguin on the pillow beside her. Her little girl must have brought it through with her when she had come in to wake her mother early. Amanda pulled the covers up around her shoulders and hugged the penguin close to her chest. Closing her eyes she sighed, hoping like hell sleep would help.
Despite the fact Amanda spent a lot of her nights after climbing exhaustedly into bed lying awake, staring at the ceiling whilst her racing mind prevented her from falling asleep, she must have drifted back off fairly quickly. She concluded this because she felt like only a few minutes had passed before she was being woken once more – by her iPhone ring tone this time, instead of her daughter. She really ought to have put it on silent. She was surprised at the time: 13:20, but unsurprised at the caller.
Olivia.
With a reluctant huff, Amanda swiped her answer icon. She couldn't avoid her forever.
"Liv, I'm sorry-"
"Amanda?" Olivia interrupted, "I've been trying to talk to you all morning – why didn't you call me?" she asked.
"I, uh...sorry," Amanda faltered, "I meant to call-"
"Well I'm outside your door," Olivia interrupted again, "Can you let me in?"
Amanda's heart sunk. She didn't need Olivia to see her having woken up less than a minute ago in her night clothes. She didn't need Olivia to see her apartment still cluttered with untidied breakfast dishes. But it wasn't like Olivia was going to go away, so Amanda pulled herself out from under her warm blankets and trudged to her apartment door, shivering slightly when she opened it and the colder air from the corridor hit her.
She was ashamed to stand before Olivia as she was, dishevelled and half asleep when Olivia looked as perfect and beautiful as ever. Amanda could feel Olivia's eyes on her, intense, studying her closely.
"Jesus, Amanda, you look like hell," Olivia said after a moment, concerned.
Well, that was something, Amanda thought. At least Olivia wouldn't know she had called in sick when she was perfectly well.
