I dont know why I am doing this. I know im playing a very dangerous game by even agreeing to spend time with Olivia. Not just because I'm unbelievably attracted to her but also because if my mama were to catch me talking to my professor she'd surely not hesitate to beat me until I'm unable to move.
Olivia and I are currently sitting at a small cafe three blocks from college. We had walked here in silence and strangely the silence wasn't uncomfortable. Something about her mere presence soothes me a little. Quieting the anxiety that seems to roll through me constantly. I'm sipping on a hot chocolate while she nurses a chocolate late. Not much has been said between us since we sat down 20 minutes ago. The conversation has been light. Sticking to the topic of class work and her passion for the English language. Much to my relief Olivia has done much of the talking. I've nodded and asked questions where appropriate all the while trying to hide the blush that has crept up upon my face as the minutes have ticked by.
She's gorgeous and the close proximity of her body to mine has me feeling things ive never felt before. I long to be closer to her, to feel her pressed against me, for her arms to be around me again as they were not too long ago when she held me briefly in her classroom. A flaming heat settling itself deeper in my core everytime she flashes me one of those glistening smiles. Her eyes bright, lips rosy, teeth immaculately white as she talks. I'm captivated. Even the way she talks with her hands has me imagining what she could do to me with them. The way she could caress my skin, hold me tight as she fucks me with those long delicate fingers.
The mere though has me slightly horrified with myself. Its not that I'm nieve or even unaware of sex, attraction or all that it entails, but with mama's ever present control of me i've never been allowed to date let alone be intimate with anyone, especially anyone of the same gender and I'm struggling to understand why this woman, my professor no less is illiciting such a strong reaction in me. Mama would be furious to realise that after all these years and all these beatings I still can't seem to help the attraction I feel for other woman. After all its the very reason the beatings all started, when she walked in on me and my best friend Casey about to kiss.
"Amanda, did you hear what I said?" I'm startled by her voice as I suddenly realised I'd zoned out of the conversation while I shamelessly fantasised about her.
"Sorry what" I blush as I look at her and the slight smirk pulling at her lips has me blushing harder, she's caught me staring at her I'm sure.
"I need to go now and wanted to know if we could make this a regular thing? I've enjoyed spending some time with you" she murmurs leaning in and brushing her knuckles over my cheek. I feel my breath come to a stand still and have to brace myself against the sudden urge to lean into her hand.
Get it together Rollins, you shouldn't be drooling over your professor. I inwardly scold myself. "Yeah sure" I hear myself reply and curse myself quietly for agreeing. This is dangerous yet when it comes to Olivia Benson I'm some how unable to fight the urge to be close to her, to spend time with her and I can't help but feel hopeful at her suggestion.
It changed after 5 weeks because Olivia and I have spent almost every other afternoon together im that same cafe, enjoying a hot chocolate, coffee or tea depending on our moods. To start with I was filled with apprehension at each get together. Terrified thst Olivia wouldn't stick to her word about not asking questions. Thankfully she hasn't and as the days have gone by i've found myself beginning to relax more around her.
Our afternoons together have become a safe heaven for me. A place where I can quite simply be in the moment with her. Free from the anxiety of my life, free from the threat of my mama's violence and free from the horrors that accompany living in her home. Somehow Olivia seems to sense just what I need and I find myself laughing more and more around her. Enjoying the warmth and security I've come to associate with her. She makes me feel alive and I know without a doubt that I'm falling helplessly in love with her.
She's the very picture of perfection. She's physically fit, her muscles toned, breasts full. She's always impeccably dressed. Her gorgeous brown hair is healthy and always immaculately styled and her eyes. God her eyes are the colour of honey and everytime I look into them I feel myself getting lost in her gaze, she's gentle, smart, courageous. Kind, intuitive and undeniable passionate.
In all the time I've had in this world I dont think I have ever met someone quite like her. Something tells me I never will again.
Its a Friday afternoon and we are both sitting outside the cafe sipping iced coffees. Its too warm for anything hot and the day seems like its going to continue being so pleasant. We've spent the past half hour talking about animals. Her favourite animal is a horse. She likes to ride at the weekends. Has done since she was small. She owns her own ranch and promised to take me up some time.
She's wearing a short sleeved button up shirt with a black pencil skirt. Her hair pulled up into a tight pony tail and in the sunlight her eyes are sparkling. Her smile grabs at my heart and as she looks at me now I feel a sudden rush of warmth rush towards my cheeks.
"Can I ask you one thing, Amanda?" She says, holding my gaze with her own. My heart beats faster and I'm instantly on edge. What is it she wants to know? She said she wouldn't ask questions of me? She promised. My head is swirling and suddenly I feel as if my heart is going to burst out of my chest. Fuck I'm terrifed because at this point I dont think I could possibly lie to Olivia if she asked me for the truth, not now. Not after how much she's managed to worm her way into my heart and behind all my defenses.
A sudden warmth on my arm snaps me out of my internal panic, I glance towards it to find Olivia's hand resting gently there, grounding me to the moment.
"Do you.. I mean.. would you like to be my... my girlfriend?" She murmurs quietly, glancing at me sheepishly and as our eyes meet I can see the apprehension behind her gentle brown eyes. "I.. I like you Mand and really think we have something special here" she continues. I feel myself smile at her, a genuine ear splitting smile as I'm filled with a strange sense of elation as her words sink in.
Olivia Benson. The Olivia Benson. Wants to date me? She's attracted to me? If it wasnt for her hamd resting on my arm I could almost convince myself that this was a dream.
"Yes.... yes" I nod. "I've never wanted anything more" I whisper as she pulls me into a hug. Laying my head on her shoulder I hold her tight, feeling her hold me just as tightly as a sigh of contentment escapes my lips. I could honestly lie here with her forever.
